Paint a smile

The feeling strucks me again. It is uneasy. Like wanna throw up. The feeling of hating myself. I wrote it on a paper, crumpled it up and threw it away, hoping the feeling can go away.I am confused. Sometimes I am hesitate, am I doing the right thing? If it is, why am I keep feeling so bad? Why am I not getting it right from the beginning? Lord please give me strength. A bit strength to fight with myself. To endure this feeling and to love what I am doing.

Pause

It's November. How time flies, I feel like yesterday I was stepping my first step up in Australia land. Yeah, I know my latest post before this was on mid of September. And yeah I know that I was 'dead' for the last 2 and a half months. If you could recall, I did say that writing keeps me alive, so it means not writing makes me die. Yes, it's actually kind of true in some sort of ways. The lab keeps me busy and cause me flat all the time at home. The pressure is even dragging me out to the lab during the weekend. So, even though there were piles of ideas in my mind to write, how could they be translated into words when my fingers refused to touch the keyboard. This happened when all ATPs have been spending out for thinking and reacting to find the answers to 'why my protein doesn't refold, why my protein's peak doesn't appear, why my protein isn't active' and others unsolved mystery of this 'guy'. Since I have chosen this less traveled path, my life have been haunted by this guy at all time. It's not that I didn't know the guy is waiting along the road when I chose to travel through it. So, I shouldn't complain as this is what I choose myself.

I love to quote this, 'To live in the world without becoming aware of the meaning of the world is like wandering about in a great library without touching the books'. Somehow this quote reminds me, as if that is what I have been through since that day I chose the path. I'm actually in the process of searching the meaning of the world, without realizing it. This sort of soothes me a little bit. hehe.

There's not much time left here. This weekend I feel like stop for a moment and catch a breath before continuing this marathon. Giving myself a little me time to so-called organize myself, re-arrange my mind as well as packing things to be shipped back home and celebrate eid tomorrow. Yay we are making rendang and ketupat again. And I reckon that this probably is my biggest 'Qurban' (sacrifice) in my life. Going away from home to study, and celebrating both eids away from family. I'm hoping that this sacrifices will grant me His blessing, as that is what we all need after all.

Fitzroy Garden, Spring 2011, Melbourne.

p/s: I'm currently reading 'The Lost Symbol' by Dan Brown, inspired by someone whose has always been inspiring me from the day I met him. And I know now he's reading this. I know you're my devoted 'stalker' right? (he called it fan) hehe. And by the way, the quote is taken from that book.

Blow the sadness away

I never give so much thought of me going places and seeing spectacular scenery like on the desktop wallpapers, posters and tv. Never dream of that though. Well, just couple of days ago I went to the most magnificent place that I have ever been in my life. It is called the Great Ocean Road, a 243 km stretch of road along the south-eastern coast of Australia. No words can describe how stunning the scenery, how beautiful the earth, and ultimately how great the Creator is. Throughout the drive, I saw a lot of things that I have never seen before and somehow I was lost in my own thought, feeling like I was in a fantasy world. And being close to the nature, I feel strangely calm and peace. Because all creatures always praising Allah, we'll absolutely feel very peaceful when being around them. Feeding the parrots, seeing the cute sleepyhead koala, feeling the freezing-cold breeze blowing through my face and blowing the sadness away (how I wish it will be blown off forever) ans witnessing the live breathtaking scenery like a really large painting on a canvas, it was a priceless experience.

p/s: hoping for a piece of rainbow after a long rainy day.

I really want to go home :(

Is it wrong to hate myself? Because that is what I've been feeling these days. I don't know whether that's a normal feeling. I hate myself for being so stupid, I feel like I don't know a thing. I'm asking too much, each works need to be guided, I work very slow, and always doing mistakes. I feel really dumb. Even I had been trained, I still can't remember to do it myself, I'm too dependent, and I hate being that kind of person. I'm stressed out in that lab, I have no friends, I don't know how to start a conversation, I don't know how to respond, I know nothing! I smile but crying inside. I want to go home badly. I don't wanna be here anymore :(

Setting with the Sun

"Sun, please give me a ride for just 2 hours. I really want to see him."

If only I could say it to the Sun..

Shed the tears away, have a little faith.

Having faith in someone is hard. It may take years. But losing that faith is even harder. Cause I believe that years of knowing that someone is long enough for building invulnerable core of the trust. I know that my faith in someone is being tested. Yes, I do admit that initially I felt doubt, uncertain and like betrayed. And being far away from home, it just like makes thing worse. I felt so alone, like being ignored and like I wanna do reckless things. At this time, I felt so close to Allah. There's might be no one beside me, but I know that He's always there. I pray for the best and to show me the right way. With that little faith, I shed the tears and chose to confront instead of trusting other people or digging the truth if I want. Because I have encountered so many obstacles, cried so many pains and learnt so many things along this way. I just hate to let that little bug ruins every single blooming flowers. It's just too unfair to totally believe in what people say without giving a chance for the person to defend her/himself. So, I just follow my

heart and I'm pretty sure that was the best thing to do. I'm hoping that this happened for some unpredictable good reason that will come at the right time.

p/s: I believe in fate, and to Him I rely on. Please give me the strength.

Same, old pain..

I really can't think of what should I do. Do I have to believe on what they say? Should I just ignore and pretend that I've never heard anything? But the pain is just hardly to be ignored. I really don't know what to do :'(