Summit

When I watched the film Everest, first thing that came to my mind was, what kind of fool were those people risking their lives to be on the highest summit for just not more than one hour. But then, I think I am no different than those mountaineers. Now I understand, the moment we acquire what we are fighting for, it is worth a thousand battles that we have fought for it. No wonder why so many mountaineers aimed to conquer all the seven summits although they are putting the lives at stakes, because the feeling of satisfaction is so addictive.

Alhamdulillah, I am very grateful for this blessing, for this feeling. This is the mountain I climb. The climb was never easy. The journey was too long. Sometimes in the middle, I felt I would never get to reach the top. I wanted to go back and choose a different road. I felt incapable. I felt too small and the peak was too high. I stumbled. I bled. I broke my leg. But all those pains were washed away the moment I reached the peak. I know I would have never been this strong if my journey was easy. This journey has taught me the meaning of patience and perseverance. This journey has grown me up. This journey has brought so many wonderful people to my life that stand together with me. This journey has taught me life lessons to prepare me in the future. All sweats, tears and bloods are paid off. This is the moment of my life that I would always proud of. A story that I would proudly tell my children, my grandchildren and great grandchildren, if Allah grants me with a long life.

PhD convocation, April 23, 2016, UTM

Sad end

There she goes again. Throwing herself from the cliff, with arms wide open. It's not like she doesn't remember the pain when her body hits the water. She knows, the pain is like having every piece of bones in her body cracked at the same time. But she is just being her. The same her. She wants to get rid of that feeling. She is trying all her might. But how could someone forget a thing, when they have to face it everyday. Even they don't face it everyday, how could someone ever erase a feeling? She could only pray that God will make the feeling dissappear.

She doesn't know what she did wrong to deserve this punishment. Her hopes are all gone. She wants to run away. She doesn't belong to that place anymore. She feels left out. The feeling when people surrounding you are making a distance with you. Then, there must be something wrong with yourself.

The only hope for her, is leaving that place cause she has been there for too long. All people she trusts have long been away from her. She has no one now. And that ground now seems like sick of her existence.

She has been wondering, one day, the day she would suddenly dissappear, no one would ever care. Because people go on with their life. That's how cruel life is.

Attached

Some day, may be soon, I have to leave this beautiful place and those beautiful people. This comfort zone is really a wonderful place, but they say nothing ever grows here. Leaving for a new surrounding excites me but at the same time, I know that I will never find a place like here again.

When you know the time you have to leave is approaching, you are juggling with these two things.

First, spending more time with people around you, be closer to them and create good memories. Second, you create some distance with them so that when the time comes, you would not hurt much.

Surreal

I always love September. But this year, September was kind of bittersweet.

First, I have finally submitted my thesis. It feels like I have taken off a tonne-weight of backpack that I have been carrying on my shoulder all along these five years of journey. No. It is more than that, I couldn't find a word to describe that feeling. Relief but tired at the same time. And it is surreal. I can't believe that finally I reached this point. A point that only existed in my dream all these while. Second, the emptiness. I feel empty. Like all these while my life has been revolved around this 'deep well'. I was trying every single way existed to climb the well, and now finally I'm out. Then like a pair of eyes that meet the first light after sleep, it is too bright that it can't see anything but white. I don't know what to do next or where to go. Third, I feel like I missed myself for these five years. Where have I been? I communicated, I did things with people, but actually it was only my body doing the job. Apparently, my soul was isolated from the whole world. I have been avoiding people, I shut the door up to any people that come and knock, except for the people that I really trust. And now I feel friendless.

Then, I have said the words that once I left unsaid. I used to believe that what I feel was not true. I have tried to deny it. I have tried to run away from it. I have tried to not thinking about it, pretending that I don't care. Or tried to make other distraction. But only I realized that feelings never lie. It came closer the farther I run away from it. Until it tore my heart open. I never thought I would get the strength to say it. I did thing that I never did in my whole life. I couldn't hide it anymore. I put down my ego and be the first to say it, although I realize the possible consequences. But I know for sure that I will never regret embracing this feeling.

And thank you.

Yes, you.

Second chance

Weariness crept in. The muscles in my whole body started aching, the effects of my routine Saturday morning swimming. My head was heavy. I could barely open my eyes. In no time, I fell asleep. The azan calling for Asar prayer woke me up, but I decided to take a little more sleep. Then, I woke up. It's already Maghrib. I felt so regret because I did not wake up straight away when hearing the azan. I missed my Asar prayer. I felt so bad. Suddenly I saw myself, leaned by the bed, staring at me with unblinking eyes. I stared back at myself. I thought it was my reflection. I yelled at it, I hate you! Three times. I pushed its head with my index finger. I could touch it! Wait! I thought it was just a reflection. Something was wrong. I hugged it very tight, tried to pull it back inside me, or pushed myself inside that thing. I failed. It was still there. My eyes started to fill with tears. No, it couldn't be. I missed my Asar prayer. I was not ready. I tried to lift it and hug it again. Please, merged with me. It fell on the floor. I tried to ignore. Pretended that nothing had happened. I walked to the door, I wanted to perform ablution for Maghrib prayer. I was still in denial that the body laid on the floor was me. I wasn't ready. Please!! Help me!! I wasn't ready.

Then I woke up. It was still Asar. Allah.... thanks, it was only a dream. T_T

Bold

A wound could always be healed, but a scar would never fade. So, that scar is bleeding again. I just knew that this moment will come. I have prepared myself for this, but it's not that easy. Although I have never placed any hope anymore, this heart is still shattered. Broken, loser, that is how I feel I am. But I know Allah is conveying His message. I'm grateful to Him for showing me this. And now I feel bold with my own feeling. No more doubt that I have to let go off the past. It is not meant to be, it never was.

p/s: where is my Ron..

Unspoken word

Hey. Do you know how much I like you?