Hey folks.. I know.. I know.. I know.. Okay stop. Yes I'm pretty sure that the last time I checked on myself, I'm still breathing. I was landed safely in this lovely warmed-home country on 30th December 2011. It feels soooo good to be home! (at least I still remember how it felt back then, like I've never felt that way before) So about the silence..*sigh*..I swear I don't want to explain that (I don't even know how to though). Yeah it was me, I'd rather say that I was protesting. Repelling to everything. I didn't want to write because there was something in me whispering that 'you are the loser'. I've tried not to listened but I failed each time. But then I realized, people do make mistakes, choose the wrong way and proud of themselves when they make their first step on the most hindered way, while they don't realize that will take them to nowhere.
But, I was actually still thinking, what if I was about an inch to success but because I looked back, I lose it forever. And one day it strikes me when I remember about Thomas Edison who said that he has just found 10000 ways that won't work to make a bulb rather than saying he has failed. And me, I'm willing to say out loud that I has not even tried 100 ways to easily quit and start another project. That day when I felt like I'm a loser. Then a friend of mine said that 'you can't make that comparison because at the end of the day you just want to get your PhD unless you can stay years with your microbes to get that massive Dr in front of your name'. Then I was like, 'yes you are right'. Then I started to blame myself for being so confident in the first place to take the project that had sacrificed two students before. Sometimes I hate a part of myself. The part that always being so optimistic, that always tell me as if nothing's gonna happen, believe in yourself, just stay calm, relax and smile. I swear I would do anything if I can chase that part out of me.
So, another couple of years to struggle for getting that Dr in front of my name. I'm starting to believe that I'm not a loser. It's just the protein won't change, the nature makes them that way. And I feel relief when both of my supervisors (home's and Aussie's) said, 'we can't predict what might be happened, sometimes we want them to follow what we order them to but we can do nothing if their nature say don't follow'. But now I feel like I am the cruel huge-giant who orders all tiny little things to do this and that, and the former protein might be the one who were willing to die to protect their species. But no I shouldn't think that way. The reason is the same as you can't feel sorry for the chicken that will be slaughtered to become your dish for dinner.
Pray for me guys. many loves!
On my way back home.
