Epiphany

I think yesterday was the most productive day in my entire life. Started after the sunset, I've sort of had an epiphany. My spirit was like being lifted up and ideas were coming like a water flow, I had no idea where those were coming from. This moment is really hard to come, so I would never waste a second. So, I was so motivated to continue writing my first paper. That productive state actually wasn't stopped when I woke up in the morning. I have no idea where's in my body cells those energies were stored. So I have been working like an ant in the lab. And finally, I'm totally collapsed now. Where's those epiphanies? Where have they gone?

As I was rushing through works, how I wish I have more hands, more brains and more me. And the day seemed too short. Was it really 8 hours? I feel like 4. But alhamdulillah, how amazing Allah is, when I was wishing that I have more hands, He lent me some hands to help. They were my friend's. My tons of works were actually run smoothly with the help from them. Kak Iza made the gel for me, Abbas made the loading dye ready for me, Kak Aishah helped me with the new sonicator, Bai bought the ice and Fizah bought me lunch. Oh how really I want to hug them tight! 

So it is true, the time has a magic spell. Everyday I was given 24 hours. However, how I spend the time is actually making it longer or shorter. Because I notice, when I am procrastinating the time seems to move very fast, but the time seems longer when I am reading and doing work. It's not actually a magic spell, the time is blessed when we spend it right. Remember Al-'Asr?

May your hours be blessed!

Nuisance

Human always forget the ocean-wide gifts that Allah has showered upon them. A dust-tiny test can make them surrender. Astaghfirullah. God, please forgive me.

I woke up to a sad dream this morning. It was really disturbing I can still feel the sadness around. Then, as routine I went to the lab to find out that the electricity went off last night. My column!! For your record, I have been running a HPLC since 7 days ago. So when the power suddenly gone, the machine was shut down and it might damage the column. And I don't know what came over me, perhaps the dream, I was feeling so down. And that feeling hits me again, the feeling of how useless I am. I'm in my final semester yet my experiment hasn't brought any great data as PhD deserves. I envy people who started PhD along with me that have stopped their experiment and now writing their thesis. I wonder when will be the time when my supervisor will tell me to stop the experiment and start writing a thesis. I am writing now though, but I need a time when I can focus and don't have to worry about the lab works anymore.

Allah, please show me the way. 

Small dots

So there was one day, me, Fizah and Kak Tim have been wondering about why our supervisor has always wanted us to go early to the lab and indeed he could turn to be a monster if he doesn't see his student by 8.30am. Kak Tim came out with her theory of the early birds, the early birds got to catch more worms. But somehow, whenever we relate it to the real situation, we found a dead end. Like students that arrive at the lab at 10am, they still graduate and get the scroll. Birds that go out at 10am still get the worms.

Then, this sort of 'discussion' was dragged to another curiosity. What is the significance of the people like us (I mean the molecular biologists) to the world. We did feel like we don't contribute anything to the society. Because apparently people like doctors and teachers are very much needed by the society. It's kind of sad when we come to think about this actually. Then Fizah came out with the idea of small dots that make a dot portrait. We are the small dots that constitute the portrait. While doctors are the large dots which if missing will do a big damage to the portrait. No. No. Something was so wrong here. This  doesn't make us feel better at all. Small dots are just like acnes and blackheads on the face, better without it. Again, we found a dead end.

We were so not happy, so we bring this up to the lab on the next day. Hoping that someone could explain it. So Kak Shal's thought was kind of answering everything. She said, people like us are not an inventor that their contributions are something seen, perceived. But without people like us, we would still be driving the steam-engined car, and I won't be typing in this sleek and thin ultrabook. Research will improve the current invention and it will never stop because it is the nature of human, never felt satisfy and always want to make things better. We are actually the indirect contributors for making this world a better place.

Suddenly I just realized I do have a role in this world and I'm not just a nobody. It feels like I have been given a new spirit. Just like the fog has lifted and finally I see the light. I am happy knowing that people need me and I'd just love to keep that in mind because every time I do, I enjoy my work. Thanks mate for lifting that fog out of my sight!

p/s: No one can explain the early birds theory yet. Don't have a gut to ask my supervisor though. So anyone?

Delusion

I dreamed last night.
It was my wedding,
But the groom did not show up.

Off course he won't.

A dandelion seed

Yesterday I have been asked a question which I haven't heard for quite a while; 'what is your ambition Hasmaliana?'. And by ambition it means what I want to be after graduate. I was like, gosh! I  never thought someone would ask me this question again at my age. I'm quite surprised and a bit disappointed with myself, cause I actually find that it is hard to answer that question. I don't even know what I want to do after grad school. Sometimes I imagine myself as a lecturer, being in the lecture theater and having my own lab conducting research. Sometimes all of these lab work's hardship makes me feel that I will never doing research again. That is when I imagine myself as a housewife, taking care of my children at home.

Yes, when I have been asked this question during my childhood, I won't hesitate to say that 'I want to be a teacher' cause I feel that being a teacher is so cool. Or sometimes 'I want to be a housewife' cause my mom is so cool. Our answer will solely dependent on our life's perspective at that time, the people around us that make us comfortable. When I have been asked the same question during the high school, when I have been exposed to the wider world and I feel like being a doctor is much cooler than a teacher. And surprisingly, when I have been asked the same question at this age, when I am doing my PhD, I don't know what I actually want to be.

As I age, I become more uncertain of what I want to be. I'm not sure if that happens to other people too, but I'm not happy with that and that is not a good thing off course. Sometimes I feel like I am a dandelion seed, blown up by the wind and I'm just letting the wind takes me to wherever it goes until it stops. And that will be the place where I will grow and live again.

p/s: The person who asked me was my English teacher during high school. He reminded me of a funny story, when he asked us to write an article a day, I translated a Malay idiom 'katak bawah tempurung' as 'a frog under the coconut shell'. He just smiled when he corrected it for me but I bet he must be out of breath laughing before that. Haha it was hilarious when thinking of how silly I used to be. Oh, for your record, I hate English language subject.

Bittersweet

The sky was clear today. As clear as my mind. I couldn't remember, when was the last time that this feeling struck me. Or maybe I never felt like this before, I'm not sure of it too. But the feeling is very soothing, and I didn't realized that suddenly I smiled for no reason. 

I am a person who is good at recovering from a sudden emotional disturbance. I love that part of me. Even I will become more productive when I'm stress. So I have been thinking a lot recently. I was trying to find the reason of everything that happened. And I feel bittersweet. Somehow I feel like this new life I'm living now is more ample, like running on a very wide spring meadow. And I'm kind of like it. The best part is I can stalk anyone I like without feeling guilty which I haven't done it for years. Plus, thinking about him, missing him and checking on him on facebook (which I do everyday) without him knowing is bittersweet too (though sometimes it hurts).

I have done a lot of thinking about myself too. I realized that sometimes I find it's hard for me to give the right response when people talks to me, so I'd rather keep quiet. Plus, I have lack of facial expression and I know it annoys or most of the time it hurts people. I don't blame my friend who would rather not telling me their stories cause I know they will feel like talking with a stone (yes, I'm stone). I want and I am trying to improve that. I will learn how to give response and appreciate them more. I promise to myself!

So I'm enjoying my single life now. Cause I know I'll never ever experience this life again once I get married one day. Indeed everything's happen for reason cause Allah is the All-Knowing, knower of the unseen and the seen. Till then.