My personal brand of heroins

One, that guilty pleasure is now truthful, which once I'm afraid that it will really happen. It is like my personal brand of heroin now. Enough to make me restless if I don't have it for a day, yet painful if I have it too much.

Two, pleasure that kills. Bonding with stray cats. Cats always make my day. I love to give them food. But when they're gone, or I couldn't feed them, I'm so sad that I could cry a river. I had a cat once. The first day I saw her, she was dirty. She was wandering along my lab's corridor. She is so pretty and manja so we called her Manja. I fed her everyday until she hovered and wouldn't go away. She gave birth to two cute and playful kittens, Bulat and Sepet. I started to worry when the kittens started pooping everywhere. I knew then one day they have to be transferred to some other place. And the day came. I took them to the college where I stay so that I could keep feeding them. I could see on their faces that they were really scared, been in the place that was foreign. Manja started to ignore her kittens. On the second day, I couldn't see Sepet anymore. That night I cried pretty hard that I woke up with puffy eyes. I couldn't stop myself from feeling angry to people who made me to, but most of all I couldn't stop blaming myself. I think I was crazy. So I wrote a letter to myself.



Dear Hasmaliana,
Remember that not all people around you are like you. You could love cats like they are your own kids but not others. Don't expect people to be like you. You live in a society, please be considerate. Sepet may left for good. Maybe someone has adopted him. He will live a better life with his new owner, have faith in that. It's ok to cry, you know you always cry for cats. You are not crazy, it is normal for a cat lover. They have a special bonding with cats. Don't blame yourself for throwing them out. They sure can survive. They are predators in nature. It's in their gene. Don't worry too much dear, Allah will keep them safe. He's The Most Gracious to His creatures, He won't let them hungry. They need to learn, explore new place, how to protect themselves. It's good for them. Cry as much as you want. When you feel better, don't stop feeding stray cats. Remember that you want to build a cat shelter one day, it's in your bucket list. Go for it!



The other day, I found Bulat alone, separated from Manja. She was lost and cried with terror. I took her, cleaned her fur, calmed her down and brought her back to her mother. But it didn't last. I didn't see her with Manja anymore because Manja was still in shock. She didn't care about her kittens anymore. Then I never saw Bulat again.

I write this entry because I miss Manja so much. I kept this story to myself before, because I was too sad  to tell people. Last time I saw her was before I went back home for Eid. She was actually pregnant again and already gave birth to kittens that I never saw, being so protective mother she is. I never see her after coming back here. The only thing I could do is just praying that Allah will keep her safe :(

p/s: Please stop throwing away and abandoning your cats. If only they can speak, you will know how hard they are crying.

Treasure

There were a few times that I opened up the new post page, stare at it for a few seconds and then closed it because I decided that the thing I had in mind at that time was too personal to be written in the blog. Because I always forget things and I would like myself to one day remember that moment, so I wrote them in my private diary. It's just like I am getting ready for an Alzheimer. But off course I wouldn't want that. It's just that I'm afraid of not remembering those memories so better lock it in a diary or something. I'm working on a photo album too, just bought one and will fill in photos or movie tickets or receipts or anything that comes up with stories. Yeah, I'm treasuring my present life more than before. That's why the idea came up.

So fasting was great this year. I never feel so peaceful in my previous Ramadhans. Alhamdulillah. Because after it left, I can feel the difference. It's hard actually to focus on your prayer and consistently read the Quran at least a 'Juz' a day in months other than Ramadhan. I wish that was not my last one. And I had a few days to spend Ramadhan with my family too which I haven't had quite a long time that I couldn't remember how it feels like. And off course it feels like a heaven. Then, Eid was great too. I made cookies for the first time and Mak approved that all my cookies taste delicious (happy face!). Oh, and we had our family portrait for the first time I can't believe it. Because one, it's not really our family tradition, two, last year Abah never showed up after the Eid's prayer until afternoon because he went straight visiting his friends and three Abah did not really kind of enjoy or appreciate photography. But He do now. So there you go, family portrait!

And that is our new-born Naura Tihani.

I had quite a long holiday this time and I had a chance to see my childhood friends which I haven't seen for like 13 years. It feels so good catching up with them. Then I attended a few engagement ceremonies of my cousins and friend where people kept asking when's your turn or when will you finish study. I'm sick of those questions but I know I couldn't shut their mouth up. So I'm back now in the lab, and I promise the next time I'm back home I will say a different answer for that question. Miahaha.. 

p/s: I want to finish lab work in December. Pray for me guys please!

p/s2: Lets just keep personal things personal. Yes sometimes it hurts to hide what you feel inside. It is like there's a large beautiful mouth watering cake in front of and you are trying so hard to hold yourself from eating it. But I'm not hundred percent sure of it either. I'm somewhat scared of finding out, yet at the same time I want to know more. Just let the time tell shall we?