Unspoken word

Hey. Do you know how much I like you?

Betrayal

"Walaupun kau bukan kekasih, namun bukan sekadar teman biasa, hadirmu..." Antara cinta dan kasih, Aishah.

The bright light from the window has woken her up. No different from her other ordinary weekends, she only get up from bed to the heat and light of the Sun. Like most of her Saturday mornings, she went to the pool first thing after waking up for a long bath, besides swimming. She never learnt that swimming at this hour would only burn her skin and leave freckles. But that's the only way for her to escape everything, except sleeping. If only human could live in the water, she will absolutely build a home underwater. She feels strangely calm in the water. Indescribable peace of mind that couldn't be interrupted.

Those words were like a blade. Her respect and friendship has been returned by a treason. They are being hated for a crime they don't commit. A crime that is happening only in their hearts, thoughts and dreams, how could it be judged. And even if they really do, it could never be called a crime. This has been bothering her, even she has been dreaming about it. She laid on the water surface, hoping that the thoughts will go away. She let her body float and drifted by the water flow. She couldn't hear anything except her own heartbeat. Fast. Maybe from the swimming, but very sedative it could lull her to sleep. Pacifying as if it was the most beautiful sound in the world. And right above her, the ocean of the sky and the scattered clouds. She could see a bird flying freely, then with its flock. The longer she gazed, the more they were coming. Flying right before her eyes as if they were dancing to the song of her heartbeat. She lost in this beautiful moment. The thoughts have vanished like it never step in her mind. Laying like this, she realized how small and how fragile she is. A creation called human. Like how the water could hold her body from drowning, how the clouds are floating in the sky, and how the birds are flying in the air against the gravity, that is how Allah is holding her life. The test she has been facing in her life, is no smaller than a tiny dust in the entire universe. It is nothing than that one day it would make her stronger, because it has been perfectly written by her Creator without a fault. And now she knows that they will go through this together one day, leave it all behind and never take a single glance back.

Stagnant

She curled up on the road she decided to travel a long time ago. Despite the miles of distance she had walked, her pace is getting shorter, slower. Her feet are becoming weaker. She can now see where the path leads her to. Crystal clear. Unlike before when the future was hidden by a thick fog. Yet it seems so far to her eyes. Something is holding her back. She once used to think that the path she has chosen was right, the less traveled path. She used to believe in herself that she could go through the obstacles. Yes, she has gone through that. This journey has torn her clothes, fouled her, bleed her, broken her leg, until the scars made her appear like she has no more fears on everything. But now, she is fatigued, too tired to move on. Everyone has gone, too far for her to catch. But she is stationary, as if she is standing still on a busy road, gazing aimlessly forward, while people are busy walking yet all she could do is staring in blank. She is afraid to walk this path alone. She is waiting for a hand, that at least would pat on her back. Or a strong hand that would push her from behind, so she could move again. Or someone that would hold her hand and lead her steps till the end. Or perhaps just a little voice that would whisper, 'get up dear! you have to move on!' Just that. Only that.

Pencuri

Someone said to her, if you really love someone, you don't expect anything from that person in return. She has chosen that way. Despite everything that had happened to her in the past, She couldn't help but giving herself another chance. When she made that decision, she realized the consequences that she might  face. She have tried her best to not putting so much hope and not expecting to much. But it was hard. Day by day, she was starting to forget all that. Her hope, her expectation on it, was growing like nothing can ever stop it. When something really happened, she felt so terrible, even the simple things. But she know she doesn't even has the rights to feel like that. Because it doesn't even exist. It is something she created in her mind and in her dreams.

Getaway

There was one day, that I felt like going far away. Off from reality that sometimes makes life too hard. I felt like getting away from people I know. Just me surrounded by complete strangers, getting lost and finding way back. But it would be too challenging if I escaped alone because my sense of direction is totally hopeless. I would end up lost and never find way back. So I need a travel partner. Though her sense of direction just as the same level as me, maybe just a little bit better than me, but at least we lost together. Lol! It was actually Kak Tim's idea for the getaway. And it seemed like I need a getaway too. So here we go, Singapore!

Actually, it was like an impromptu trip. We didn't really research too much about Singapore and we didn't even have specific location to go. We were just the two backpackers, travelling on buses and trains, seeing people and places, trying their food and taking lots of photos. We first headed to Orchard Road.

Orchard Road

Where we had our lunch.

Then we headed to Bugis Junction (like the Petaling Street in Malaysia). We were looking for a Masjid here when we stumbled upon a sweet girl (a Muslim) that was on her way to her school. She offered us to follow her to her school's musolla. She's a fashion design student and it was my first time going to art school and I really like the building concept.

Bugis Junction and the art school

Then we went to the Vivocity at Harbour Front cause Kak Tim wanted to eat the Max Brenner's chocolate. We ordered a glass of chocolate hazelnut milkshake and a large plate for sharing and had so much trouble finishing it all. But it was a very worth of try for a chocolate lover. The milkshake was so thick, creamy and rich in flavour. And the chocolate dip was super delicious!

The Max Brenner's.

The China Town. I don't remember how we got here. I think we were lost. Hahaha.

The Harbour Front.

The Harbour Front was our last place. After eating chocolate we went to Masjid for prayer. Alhamdulillah, though it was actually quite hard to find a prayer room, but it seemed like Allah had showed us the way. First we met the Muslim girl, then at the Harbour Front I thought the worst case I have to pray under the stairs. Then it turned out that there was a Masjid just about a walking distance from the Vivocity.

This whole Singapore visit is a total new experience to me. Like expected, we have lost, found way back, took a lot of selfies (lol!), walked by the company strangers. We left all our problems behind, laughed, talked and laughed again. Actually I got a call from my supervisor, and decided to ignore it. Haha! And we learnt the struggle experienced by the Muslim community here. The prayer room at the art school was actually just a very small compartment at the basement that can accommodate less than 10 people at a time, with the horrible large strands of electrical wiring with a 'Danger' sign on the ceiling. Can you imagine that? And a Mak Cik from the Vivocity said every day she just performs her prayer under the stairs because the mall didn't provide a prayer room. And I felt so blessed living in my country, we're so comfortable yet still forget to be grateful. Thanks for this feeling, Allah.

p/s: just so you know, my travel partner is single. She's a PhD holder, currently a lecturer. If you're interested leave a comment :p

p/s2: kak tim, ampunkan saya!

Letter

I have been writing to my best friend, Fizah through e-mails these few weeks because she's now in Japan. She wrote me first because at the first place she wanted me to check on her English. So we have been changing few e-mails. Somehow at this point, I'm becoming in love with writing to her because first, we don't have time for gossiping like the old days anymore because she's way too far. Second, there's more and more confessions are being made like why I did that to her and why she did that to me back then before she got married and moved to Japan. And that was really interesting. Third, it inspires me to write in this blog again (after the long silence). So I would love to share one of my e-mails to her (she would kill me if I show you what she wrote me..hehe). Just to remind myself too, that when the time comes where I need advice, I would come here again and see the words I have written to someone before, because I might need it for myself.

Waalaikummussalam nenek,

Unfortunately i dont like dark chocolate but milk chocolate also counts right?

 

I'm glad that you have come to your right mind now. So, somebody has got a fossil watch, damn i feel like i wanna have a husband too. hahaha.. i know that feeling when your friend is ahead of you on something. it happened to me on the day you told me that you're getting married and back then i was just being dumped by that jerk. sorry about that. i know i have been too mean by showing 'stone' face to you, because honestly, i just can't even smile at that time. i'm so jealous of you. you just came at the wrong time, the time when my heart was being crushed to pieces and eaten by cat (haha that is too hyperbola). anyway, i was still feeling guilty about that, i'm sorryyy. i didnt mean to, i swear. you know, after that, i knew you were very mad at me. and you never tell me anything about your wedding anymore. i felt sad, and i regretted that i have done that to you. but i'm very bad at apologizing, i'm sorry. as a friend, off course i want to know everything about it, how your husband finally decided to marry you, your wedding planning, and all that small stuffs. but that's okay, i didnt blame you if you didnt want to tell me anything because that was the price i have to pay for hurting you at the first place. huhuhu. 

so the point is, in our lives, we all see other people's successful and happiness. off course the jealous feeling is inevitable, but it doesn't mean that we have to locked out ourselves in a room, think about people's achievement, then feel that we are nothing compared to them. make it as inspiration, and take action for ourselves. don't just think that you don't have what other people have but instead remember that there is something in you that other people don't have.

i just finished reading 127 hours, a true story where aron ralston had to make a hard choice by cutting his own hand after being trapped and crushed by a very large stone for 5 day without food or water. i think you should read that. i can give it to you when you come home later. the story is very inspiring. it teaches me that no matter what happened in our life, even if it is the door to your death, dont ever give up. keep trying even if it means making a hard choice and leaving it in the past. because 'saying farewell is also a bold and powerful beginning' (aron ralston).

Have a nice day friend,

Hasma.

Bilik kecik, lab atas bukit.

p/s: I miss how we used to sing 'come on barbie, let's go buddy, ah ah ah yeah'  when we wanted to go somewhere.. hahaha..