I always love September. But this year, September was kind of bittersweet.
First, I have finally submitted my thesis. It feels like I have taken off a tonne-weight of backpack that I have been carrying on my shoulder all along these five years of journey. No. It is more than that, I couldn't find a word to describe that feeling. Relief but tired at the same time. And it is surreal. I can't believe that finally I reached this point. A point that only existed in my dream all these while. Second, the emptiness. I feel empty. Like all these while my life has been revolved around this 'deep well'. I was trying every single way existed to climb the well, and now finally I'm out. Then like a pair of eyes that meet the first light after sleep, it is too bright that it can't see anything but white. I don't know what to do next or where to go. Third, I feel like I missed myself for these five years. Where have I been? I communicated, I did things with people, but actually it was only my body doing the job. Apparently, my soul was isolated from the whole world. I have been avoiding people, I shut the door up to any people that come and knock, except for the people that I really trust. And now I feel friendless.
Then, I have said the words that once I left unsaid. I used to believe that what I feel was not true. I have tried to deny it. I have tried to run away from it. I have tried to not thinking about it, pretending that I don't care. Or tried to make other distraction. But only I realized that feelings never lie. It came closer the farther I run away from it. Until it tore my heart open. I never thought I would get the strength to say it. I did thing that I never did in my whole life. I couldn't hide it anymore. I put down my ego and be the first to say it, although I realize the possible consequences. But I know for sure that I will never regret embracing this feeling.
And thank you.
Yes, you.
First, I have finally submitted my thesis. It feels like I have taken off a tonne-weight of backpack that I have been carrying on my shoulder all along these five years of journey. No. It is more than that, I couldn't find a word to describe that feeling. Relief but tired at the same time. And it is surreal. I can't believe that finally I reached this point. A point that only existed in my dream all these while. Second, the emptiness. I feel empty. Like all these while my life has been revolved around this 'deep well'. I was trying every single way existed to climb the well, and now finally I'm out. Then like a pair of eyes that meet the first light after sleep, it is too bright that it can't see anything but white. I don't know what to do next or where to go. Third, I feel like I missed myself for these five years. Where have I been? I communicated, I did things with people, but actually it was only my body doing the job. Apparently, my soul was isolated from the whole world. I have been avoiding people, I shut the door up to any people that come and knock, except for the people that I really trust. And now I feel friendless.
Then, I have said the words that once I left unsaid. I used to believe that what I feel was not true. I have tried to deny it. I have tried to run away from it. I have tried to not thinking about it, pretending that I don't care. Or tried to make other distraction. But only I realized that feelings never lie. It came closer the farther I run away from it. Until it tore my heart open. I never thought I would get the strength to say it. I did thing that I never did in my whole life. I couldn't hide it anymore. I put down my ego and be the first to say it, although I realize the possible consequences. But I know for sure that I will never regret embracing this feeling.
And thank you.
Yes, you.
