My personal brand of heroins

One, that guilty pleasure is now truthful, which once I'm afraid that it will really happen. It is like my personal brand of heroin now. Enough to make me restless if I don't have it for a day, yet painful if I have it too much.

Two, pleasure that kills. Bonding with stray cats. Cats always make my day. I love to give them food. But when they're gone, or I couldn't feed them, I'm so sad that I could cry a river. I had a cat once. The first day I saw her, she was dirty. She was wandering along my lab's corridor. She is so pretty and manja so we called her Manja. I fed her everyday until she hovered and wouldn't go away. She gave birth to two cute and playful kittens, Bulat and Sepet. I started to worry when the kittens started pooping everywhere. I knew then one day they have to be transferred to some other place. And the day came. I took them to the college where I stay so that I could keep feeding them. I could see on their faces that they were really scared, been in the place that was foreign. Manja started to ignore her kittens. On the second day, I couldn't see Sepet anymore. That night I cried pretty hard that I woke up with puffy eyes. I couldn't stop myself from feeling angry to people who made me to, but most of all I couldn't stop blaming myself. I think I was crazy. So I wrote a letter to myself.



Dear Hasmaliana,
Remember that not all people around you are like you. You could love cats like they are your own kids but not others. Don't expect people to be like you. You live in a society, please be considerate. Sepet may left for good. Maybe someone has adopted him. He will live a better life with his new owner, have faith in that. It's ok to cry, you know you always cry for cats. You are not crazy, it is normal for a cat lover. They have a special bonding with cats. Don't blame yourself for throwing them out. They sure can survive. They are predators in nature. It's in their gene. Don't worry too much dear, Allah will keep them safe. He's The Most Gracious to His creatures, He won't let them hungry. They need to learn, explore new place, how to protect themselves. It's good for them. Cry as much as you want. When you feel better, don't stop feeding stray cats. Remember that you want to build a cat shelter one day, it's in your bucket list. Go for it!



The other day, I found Bulat alone, separated from Manja. She was lost and cried with terror. I took her, cleaned her fur, calmed her down and brought her back to her mother. But it didn't last. I didn't see her with Manja anymore because Manja was still in shock. She didn't care about her kittens anymore. Then I never saw Bulat again.

I write this entry because I miss Manja so much. I kept this story to myself before, because I was too sad  to tell people. Last time I saw her was before I went back home for Eid. She was actually pregnant again and already gave birth to kittens that I never saw, being so protective mother she is. I never see her after coming back here. The only thing I could do is just praying that Allah will keep her safe :(

p/s: Please stop throwing away and abandoning your cats. If only they can speak, you will know how hard they are crying.

Treasure

There were a few times that I opened up the new post page, stare at it for a few seconds and then closed it because I decided that the thing I had in mind at that time was too personal to be written in the blog. Because I always forget things and I would like myself to one day remember that moment, so I wrote them in my private diary. It's just like I am getting ready for an Alzheimer. But off course I wouldn't want that. It's just that I'm afraid of not remembering those memories so better lock it in a diary or something. I'm working on a photo album too, just bought one and will fill in photos or movie tickets or receipts or anything that comes up with stories. Yeah, I'm treasuring my present life more than before. That's why the idea came up.

So fasting was great this year. I never feel so peaceful in my previous Ramadhans. Alhamdulillah. Because after it left, I can feel the difference. It's hard actually to focus on your prayer and consistently read the Quran at least a 'Juz' a day in months other than Ramadhan. I wish that was not my last one. And I had a few days to spend Ramadhan with my family too which I haven't had quite a long time that I couldn't remember how it feels like. And off course it feels like a heaven. Then, Eid was great too. I made cookies for the first time and Mak approved that all my cookies taste delicious (happy face!). Oh, and we had our family portrait for the first time I can't believe it. Because one, it's not really our family tradition, two, last year Abah never showed up after the Eid's prayer until afternoon because he went straight visiting his friends and three Abah did not really kind of enjoy or appreciate photography. But He do now. So there you go, family portrait!

And that is our new-born Naura Tihani.

I had quite a long holiday this time and I had a chance to see my childhood friends which I haven't seen for like 13 years. It feels so good catching up with them. Then I attended a few engagement ceremonies of my cousins and friend where people kept asking when's your turn or when will you finish study. I'm sick of those questions but I know I couldn't shut their mouth up. So I'm back now in the lab, and I promise the next time I'm back home I will say a different answer for that question. Miahaha.. 

p/s: I want to finish lab work in December. Pray for me guys please!

p/s2: Lets just keep personal things personal. Yes sometimes it hurts to hide what you feel inside. It is like there's a large beautiful mouth watering cake in front of and you are trying so hard to hold yourself from eating it. But I'm not hundred percent sure of it either. I'm somewhat scared of finding out, yet at the same time I want to know more. Just let the time tell shall we?

Sueño - la secuela

I had found the dress I loved. But I decided not to rush things. Only then the next day I found that it was gone to someone else's hand. The only things left were the old-fashioned dresses. I regretted that. I should have quick and firm in making decision and believe in my own choice.

It was supposed to be a big day. But I was in denial. I didn't want to be at that place, do that thing. It's just that I have to, with no reasons I can remember of. I wanted to cry, but nobody seemed to care about my feeling. It was used to be my biggest hope not so long time ago, but now no more. It has now became the thing I'm most afraid of. Then things were like being fast forwarded and the last thing I knew, I was smiling contentedly. I didn't have to do it anymore. Those feeling was so real, like a bird being released from its cage. And the flock was waiting. Then it flew freely to its flock, to where it should belong.

I know dreams don't stay long. That was when I opened my eyes. It was five past four in the morning. My heart was pounding. I have never woken up from a dream where I could recall every single moments of it. And the feeling remained. I was like stupefied for a minute or less or more. What are all these mean? I don't know why, but I have a strong feeling that it was not just an ordinary dream.

My bucket list

I am 25 this year and I haven't made a bucket list. So, here we go. My bucket list:

1. Learn to play an instrument. I would love piano.
2. Master a new language besides English and Malay, visit the country and talk to the native speaker.
3. Get married and go honeymoon to one of the most beautiful island in the world.
4. Open a shelter for stray cats.
5. Get a PhD.
6. Buy a house with a mini library and huge wardrobe.
7. Perform Hajj and visit the land of the prophets.
8. Take my parents for Hajj.
9. Travel the world.
10. Take dancing lesson.
11. Camp in a jungle.
12. Try a business.
13. Go to a spa like a rich women.
14. Ride a hot air balloon.
15. Make and release a sky lantern.
16. Sleep under the star.
17. Sail on a yacht.
18. Play in the rain, or just enjoy standing in the rain.
19. Go skydiving.
20. Bake a cake.
21. Run a marathon.
22. Go ice-skating.
22. Experience weightlessness.
23. Gardening.
24. Do major renovation on my parents's house.
25. Try a niqab.
26. Design my own house and decoration.
27. Write a book.
28. Scream on top of a mountain.
29. Break a rule.
30. Kick negative habits.
31. Go hiking.

And I think the list will keep growing..

Ignite

I never thought it would be that hard. You, me and that little space. I was trembling yet my body was heating. I tried so hard to act and breath normally despite those feelings, but you are always cool in your way. You know how to neutralize the situation, making me comfortable. Then I woke up, still shaking and a bit lost. I wonder how much my blood was pumped as seconds go. I hope it was just a dream. Obviously something is wrong with me.

Morning thought

Yesterday, in our weekly lab talk, one of our friends started her presentation with a verse in the Qur'an which as far as I was in the lab, none of us have ever done that before. It's in Surah Yaasin:

All-Glorified is He (in that He is absolutely exalted above having any peer or partner), Who has created the pairs all together out of what the earth produces, as well as out of themselves, and out of what they do not know. (36: 36).

This is a common verse, I heard about this several times before but what crossed in my mind when I heard/read this was Allah has created a partner (jodoh) for each of us in this world. But I never thought the meaning of the later words which are '...and out of what they do not know'. So, our friend has actually related this verse with the protein that she is working on, which needs a partner to execute its function. Otherwise it is useless.

I'm working in a biology lab, by biology it means I work with the living things, and natural compounds produced by them, nothing's synthetic. Nothing's made by human but Allah. But I can't remember myself, like really think about Him when I'm working. And I rarely think that what I did and discovered has actually been written in the Quran, only I never search for it and relates it to my work.

I'm very grateful that I was born as a Muslim. Because I think Islam keeps me wise. I can feel it because when I had a long 'menstrual leave', I'm happy at the first couple of days when I don't have to pray, so I have more time to do my work and sleep too (haha.. this is so bad attitude). But then, I feel like deviated. Jauh dari Allah, although I never did anything too sinful. So, the first prayer I perform after a 'menstrual leave' will usually be the most high quality (khusyuk) prayer that I have ever performed in my life because somehow I miss doing it. I feel so calm, a kind of feeling like there's a light touching your heart and I feel so contented sometimes I can cry.

And another thing that make me grateful is the Quran. Quran is not an ordinary book because it is Allah's word. Whenever I feel sad or lonely, I love to read the Quran. I can't describe the calming effects. Reading the Quran, sometimes I feel like reading an amazing story book because there's a lot of stories in the Quran. Sometimes my imagination can be so wide when I read about the paradise (although the pictures of paradise can never be reached by human thoughts). Sometimes when I feel like I'm a bad person, I always stumble upon a verse that say Allah is the most forgiven as long as you seek for His forgiveness. And of course there's a lot of science facts inside the Quran I feel like reading a science book.

I felt disturbed yesterday for reasons I can't think of. Maybe, I'm worried about my research work, the more I did and discovered, the more I see the dead end. And I feel my destination is far far way to go. Or maybe because I have been slapped in the face a day before, when a friend helped me to see a point of view which I never think of before, about something that I keep hoping. So, last night I decided to do nothing more than reading a novel, watching TV and sleeping. Then enjoying this lovely morning, blogging and swimming. And finally hoping for great days ahead.

A lonely girl

I’m a person with few friends. It’s not that I hate making friends, but I’m definitely not the one that will start a conversation with strangers. Actually I’d like to but every time I intend to, I can feel my cells expressing adrenaline; I feel nervous, dizzy and that sort of things. I’m not sure if that is normal because if it’s not, I’m definitely an abnormal person. So I would rather forget it and stay quiet. I also don’t like to hang out with a group of people because I don’t know how to interrupt a conversation. So I will be the one who are just sitting in the group, being a great listener and making a lot of smiles and laughes. But I don’t like to be alone either cause it is so awkward to eat alone, shop and walk alone. So, all my life there were always be a person that will stick beside me and I call them ‘best friends’ though we never declared. I never asked them to stick with me though, so I always curious about it too.

So, my best friend has got married, alhamdulillah. I am the happiest person on earth because I know that she had been through a lot all these years. So it’s now the time for her to be happy. But I’m starting to feel so lonely now. I live alone in the hostel, my best friend has gone and I don’t have special someone that will check on me every hours. My phone never rings. I don’t get any texts except the ads from the provider. With no internet in my room, I’m officially an absolute lonely girl. It feels so awkward especially when I went to Jusco and do the shopping alone. You know the feeling when you are walking alone you feel like people are staring although they are actually not. Two routines I can not do alone in this world; shopping and having lunch or dinner. Oh, for your record I’m afraid of making decision alone. I need assistance even as simple as to decide which pair of shoes or piece of shirt I should buy. I shall get use to it though. Care to be my shopping and eating partner? ;)