Surreal

I always love September. But this year, September was kind of bittersweet.

First, I have finally submitted my thesis. It feels like I have taken off a tonne-weight of backpack that I have been carrying on my shoulder all along these five years of journey. No. It is more than that, I couldn't find a word to describe that feeling. Relief but tired at the same time. And it is surreal. I can't believe that finally I reached this point. A point that only existed in my dream all these while. Second, the emptiness. I feel empty. Like all these while my life has been revolved around this 'deep well'. I was trying every single way existed to climb the well, and now finally I'm out. Then like a pair of eyes that meet the first light after sleep, it is too bright that it can't see anything but white. I don't know what to do next or where to go. Third, I feel like I missed myself for these five years. Where have I been? I communicated, I did things with people, but actually it was only my body doing the job. Apparently, my soul was isolated from the whole world. I have been avoiding people, I shut the door up to any people that come and knock, except for the people that I really trust. And now I feel friendless.

Then, I have said the words that once I left unsaid. I used to believe that what I feel was not true. I have tried to deny it. I have tried to run away from it. I have tried to not thinking about it, pretending that I don't care. Or tried to make other distraction. But only I realized that feelings never lie. It came closer the farther I run away from it. Until it tore my heart open. I never thought I would get the strength to say it. I did thing that I never did in my whole life. I couldn't hide it anymore. I put down my ego and be the first to say it, although I realize the possible consequences. But I know for sure that I will never regret embracing this feeling.

And thank you.

Yes, you.

Second chance

Weariness crept in. The muscles in my whole body started aching, the effects of my routine Saturday morning swimming. My head was heavy. I could barely open my eyes. In no time, I fell asleep. The azan calling for Asar prayer woke me up, but I decided to take a little more sleep. Then, I woke up. It's already Maghrib. I felt so regret because I did not wake up straight away when hearing the azan. I missed my Asar prayer. I felt so bad. Suddenly I saw myself, leaned by the bed, staring at me with unblinking eyes. I stared back at myself. I thought it was my reflection. I yelled at it, I hate you! Three times. I pushed its head with my index finger. I could touch it! Wait! I thought it was just a reflection. Something was wrong. I hugged it very tight, tried to pull it back inside me, or pushed myself inside that thing. I failed. It was still there. My eyes started to fill with tears. No, it couldn't be. I missed my Asar prayer. I was not ready. I tried to lift it and hug it again. Please, merged with me. It fell on the floor. I tried to ignore. Pretended that nothing had happened. I walked to the door, I wanted to perform ablution for Maghrib prayer. I was still in denial that the body laid on the floor was me. I wasn't ready. Please!! Help me!! I wasn't ready.

Then I woke up. It was still Asar. Allah.... thanks, it was only a dream. T_T

Bold

A wound could always be healed, but a scar would never fade. So, that scar is bleeding again. I just knew that this moment will come. I have prepared myself for this, but it's not that easy. Although I have never placed any hope anymore, this heart is still shattered. Broken, loser, that is how I feel I am. But I know Allah is conveying His message. I'm grateful to Him for showing me this. And now I feel bold with my own feeling. No more doubt that I have to let go off the past. It is not meant to be, it never was.

p/s: where is my Ron..

Unspoken word

Hey. Do you know how much I like you?

Betrayal

"Walaupun kau bukan kekasih, namun bukan sekadar teman biasa, hadirmu..." Antara cinta dan kasih, Aishah.

The bright light from the window has woken her up. No different from her other ordinary weekends, she only get up from bed to the heat and light of the Sun. Like most of her Saturday mornings, she went to the pool first thing after waking up for a long bath, besides swimming. She never learnt that swimming at this hour would only burn her skin and leave freckles. But that's the only way for her to escape everything, except sleeping. If only human could live in the water, she will absolutely build a home underwater. She feels strangely calm in the water. Indescribable peace of mind that couldn't be interrupted.

Those words were like a blade. Her respect and friendship has been returned by a treason. They are being hated for a crime they don't commit. A crime that is happening only in their hearts, thoughts and dreams, how could it be judged. And even if they really do, it could never be called a crime. This has been bothering her, even she has been dreaming about it. She laid on the water surface, hoping that the thoughts will go away. She let her body float and drifted by the water flow. She couldn't hear anything except her own heartbeat. Fast. Maybe from the swimming, but very sedative it could lull her to sleep. Pacifying as if it was the most beautiful sound in the world. And right above her, the ocean of the sky and the scattered clouds. She could see a bird flying freely, then with its flock. The longer she gazed, the more they were coming. Flying right before her eyes as if they were dancing to the song of her heartbeat. She lost in this beautiful moment. The thoughts have vanished like it never step in her mind. Laying like this, she realized how small and how fragile she is. A creation called human. Like how the water could hold her body from drowning, how the clouds are floating in the sky, and how the birds are flying in the air against the gravity, that is how Allah is holding her life. The test she has been facing in her life, is no smaller than a tiny dust in the entire universe. It is nothing than that one day it would make her stronger, because it has been perfectly written by her Creator without a fault. And now she knows that they will go through this together one day, leave it all behind and never take a single glance back.

Stagnant

She curled up on the road she decided to travel a long time ago. Despite the miles of distance she had walked, her pace is getting shorter, slower. Her feet are becoming weaker. She can now see where the path leads her to. Crystal clear. Unlike before when the future was hidden by a thick fog. Yet it seems so far to her eyes. Something is holding her back. She once used to think that the path she has chosen was right, the less traveled path. She used to believe in herself that she could go through the obstacles. Yes, she has gone through that. This journey has torn her clothes, fouled her, bleed her, broken her leg, until the scars made her appear like she has no more fears on everything. But now, she is fatigued, too tired to move on. Everyone has gone, too far for her to catch. But she is stationary, as if she is standing still on a busy road, gazing aimlessly forward, while people are busy walking yet all she could do is staring in blank. She is afraid to walk this path alone. She is waiting for a hand, that at least would pat on her back. Or a strong hand that would push her from behind, so she could move again. Or someone that would hold her hand and lead her steps till the end. Or perhaps just a little voice that would whisper, 'get up dear! you have to move on!' Just that. Only that.

Pencuri

Someone said to her, if you really love someone, you don't expect anything from that person in return. She has chosen that way. Despite everything that had happened to her in the past, She couldn't help but giving herself another chance. When she made that decision, she realized the consequences that she might  face. She have tried her best to not putting so much hope and not expecting to much. But it was hard. Day by day, she was starting to forget all that. Her hope, her expectation on it, was growing like nothing can ever stop it. When something really happened, she felt so terrible, even the simple things. But she know she doesn't even has the rights to feel like that. Because it doesn't even exist. It is something she created in her mind and in her dreams.