Two great things on the leap day!

Yesterday was leap day, 29th February, which occurs once in four years. Usually people will do something weird, special, or unusual on this special day. But I'm not that kind of person who appreciate special numbers especially dates much because I just don't really care. However, it turns out that several good things happened yesterday (off course without me planning it obviously). First, I got a phone call from shipping company telling that my goods a.k.a. my 'catch' from 6 months stay in Melbourne will be delivered. I was pretty excited because I have waited ages for that. Finally it arrived and thank God I was so satisfied with how they handled the boxes because they were delivered perfectly in the same condition as I had given them. So half of the hall in our house is filled with my 11 boxes and I have no idea where on earth to put those things. *sigh*

We really never thought is there still any room in the wardrobe to put new clothes and where to keep new things during shopping right, cause it is so addictive and satisfying. Yup, typical women!

Secondly, right after the boxes have been delivered, I have got a text from the bank, to inform that my car loan has been approved. Alhamdulillah, I was like so not ready to receive this two great news in a day and I was like mumbling to myself, am I dreaming or what. At the same time, I was so nervous to face today, as I will sign my first loan's agreement (which means another responsibility) and I feel like so grown up! hehe..

So, the moment I opened my eyes this morning, I have no idea what's going to happen today and I was so nervous to get up. It was such a weird feeling that I never felt before. Funny right. But I have made the decision to have my first car, and this is happening right now. And I have to face it anyway. So, the long and tiring day begins. It was soooo long as if I had traveled to KL from JB and I have got a strong headache at the end of the day and ended up sleeping from 7pm to 9pm. But I'm not going to write it up now cause it will be a looong story, so I will post it on the next entry. However thank God everything have been settled down. Indeed, good things always come after the hardship.

p/s: 'Verily, with hardship there is relief. 94:6'

A magical place!

I know one magical place. A miraculous place where if I place one step in it, it feels as if someone has chanted me 'obliviate' charm like in the Harry Potter. I can't remember a thing about the lab, books or anything related to lab, I even never ever tried to remember a thing off course. And one thing that I love most about this magical place is it is filled with people that love me unconditionally. I could never find any places like that magical 'HOME' on this Earth I guess. My home isn't big. Isn't beautiful either. It is heated up to desert temperature during the day cause the roof is made of zinc and cooled down to the temperature of Antarctica during the night. But it is heaven for me, and for other creatures as well because every night we will have several guests from the jungle like the mosquitoes, the grasshoppers and other insects. Sometimes there comes the giant bug and riang-riang (cicada in english, a big insect that sings with a very annoying voice) and when they come and flying around the lamp they scare the hell out of me. Usually when they come I will be hiding behind my mom, or screaming and run to my room and turn off the light. Gosh I hate those guys. Seems like very uncomfortable but believe me it is the most comfortable place I've ever been in this Earth.

But apparently the good place is where the least time I spend at. In 365 days, I'm only allowed to take 25 working days off but usually less than that. How cruel the reality is. However, those 25 days will be the best and the most quality days. So last week I spent 4 days at home. Though short, but it was long enough to make me feel homesick when I went back. My family has just grew bigger when my nephew was born. If you know me, then you will automatically know that my family isn't the noisy type. Maybe my dad was a little bit fierce person when we were little (coz he was a soldier), so we never complained except listened to every word (and it is actually continuous until now). Now my nephew was 1 year old plus and she brings more laughter and noisiness to the house. Everyone seems like to play with her, and even tease her until she cry. And we are always being entertained by her cute behavior. And now I miss her so much*sigh*.

So, I'm waiting for the next chance for me to step into that magical place again. But now I should gain as much yield as possible from my labworks so that it will be the most precious reward for myself.

with nur qisya arissa

p/s: home is where my heart is...

I'm homeee!!!

Hey folks.. I know.. I know.. I know.. Okay stop. Yes I'm pretty sure that the last time I checked on myself, I'm still breathing. I was landed safely in this lovely warmed-home country on 30th December 2011. It feels soooo good to be home! (at least I still remember how it felt back then, like I've never felt that way before) So about the silence..*sigh*..I swear I don't want to explain that (I don't even know how to though). Yeah it was me, I'd rather say that I was protesting. Repelling to everything. I didn't want to write because there was something in me whispering that 'you are the loser'. I've tried not to listened but I failed each time. But then I realized, people do make mistakes, choose the wrong way and proud of themselves when they make their first step on the most hindered way, while they don't realize that will take them to nowhere.

But, I was actually still thinking, what if I was about an inch to success but because I looked back, I lose it forever. And one day it strikes me when I remember about Thomas Edison who said that he has just found 10000 ways that won't work to make a bulb rather than saying he has failed. And me, I'm willing to say out loud that I has not even tried 100 ways to easily quit and start another project. That day when I felt like I'm a loser. Then a friend of mine said that 'you can't make that comparison because at the end of the day you just want to get your PhD unless you can stay years with your microbes to get that massive Dr in front of your name'. Then I was like, 'yes you are right'. Then I started to blame myself for being so confident in the first place to take the project that had sacrificed two students before. Sometimes I hate a part of myself. The part that always being so optimistic, that always tell me as if nothing's gonna happen, believe in yourself, just stay calm, relax and smile. I swear I would do anything if I can chase that part out of me.

So, another couple of years to struggle for getting that Dr in front of my name. I'm starting to believe that I'm not a loser. It's just the protein won't change, the nature makes them that way. And I feel relief when both of my supervisors (home's and Aussie's) said, 'we can't predict what might be happened, sometimes we want them to follow what we order them to but we can do nothing if their nature say don't follow'. But now I feel like I am the cruel huge-giant who orders all tiny little things to do this and that, and the former protein might be the one who were willing to die to protect their species. But no I shouldn't think that way. The reason is the same as you can't feel sorry for the chicken that will be slaughtered to become your dish for dinner.

Pray for me guys. many loves!

On my way back home.

The gift

My first and only mail while I was in Melbourne; my birthday present! Received on the 12th of November 2011. It traveled 10496.09 miles (16891.36 km) down to Australia. It is the most valuable and meaningful gift I've ever got :)



p/s: I've been wearing it day and night, so it will always close to my heart, as you are.

Paint a smile

The feeling strucks me again. It is uneasy. Like wanna throw up. The feeling of hating myself. I wrote it on a paper, crumpled it up and threw it away, hoping the feeling can go away.I am confused. Sometimes I am hesitate, am I doing the right thing? If it is, why am I keep feeling so bad? Why am I not getting it right from the beginning? Lord please give me strength. A bit strength to fight with myself. To endure this feeling and to love what I am doing.

Pause

It's November. How time flies, I feel like yesterday I was stepping my first step up in Australia land. Yeah, I know my latest post before this was on mid of September. And yeah I know that I was 'dead' for the last 2 and a half months. If you could recall, I did say that writing keeps me alive, so it means not writing makes me die. Yes, it's actually kind of true in some sort of ways. The lab keeps me busy and cause me flat all the time at home. The pressure is even dragging me out to the lab during the weekend. So, even though there were piles of ideas in my mind to write, how could they be translated into words when my fingers refused to touch the keyboard. This happened when all ATPs have been spending out for thinking and reacting to find the answers to 'why my protein doesn't refold, why my protein's peak doesn't appear, why my protein isn't active' and others unsolved mystery of this 'guy'. Since I have chosen this less traveled path, my life have been haunted by this guy at all time. It's not that I didn't know the guy is waiting along the road when I chose to travel through it. So, I shouldn't complain as this is what I choose myself.

I love to quote this, 'To live in the world without becoming aware of the meaning of the world is like wandering about in a great library without touching the books'. Somehow this quote reminds me, as if that is what I have been through since that day I chose the path. I'm actually in the process of searching the meaning of the world, without realizing it. This sort of soothes me a little bit. hehe.

There's not much time left here. This weekend I feel like stop for a moment and catch a breath before continuing this marathon. Giving myself a little me time to so-called organize myself, re-arrange my mind as well as packing things to be shipped back home and celebrate eid tomorrow. Yay we are making rendang and ketupat again. And I reckon that this probably is my biggest 'Qurban' (sacrifice) in my life. Going away from home to study, and celebrating both eids away from family. I'm hoping that this sacrifices will grant me His blessing, as that is what we all need after all.

Fitzroy Garden, Spring 2011, Melbourne.

p/s: I'm currently reading 'The Lost Symbol' by Dan Brown, inspired by someone whose has always been inspiring me from the day I met him. And I know now he's reading this. I know you're my devoted 'stalker' right? (he called it fan) hehe. And by the way, the quote is taken from that book.

Blow the sadness away

I never give so much thought of me going places and seeing spectacular scenery like on the desktop wallpapers, posters and tv. Never dream of that though. Well, just couple of days ago I went to the most magnificent place that I have ever been in my life. It is called the Great Ocean Road, a 243 km stretch of road along the south-eastern coast of Australia. No words can describe how stunning the scenery, how beautiful the earth, and ultimately how great the Creator is. Throughout the drive, I saw a lot of things that I have never seen before and somehow I was lost in my own thought, feeling like I was in a fantasy world. And being close to the nature, I feel strangely calm and peace. Because all creatures always praising Allah, we'll absolutely feel very peaceful when being around them. Feeding the parrots, seeing the cute sleepyhead koala, feeling the freezing-cold breeze blowing through my face and blowing the sadness away (how I wish it will be blown off forever) ans witnessing the live breathtaking scenery like a really large painting on a canvas, it was a priceless experience.

p/s: hoping for a piece of rainbow after a long rainy day.