Fear

She’s been doing a lot of thinking these days. Drown in her own river of thoughts that sometimes she lost her breath, suffocated. And that’s when she hardly had any sleep.  It has been approaching a year, unbelievably. She has lost her sense of hope since that day. She has promised herself that she would stop expecting too high on people. But being herself, it isn't easy. She trusts people easily, loves people too easily, that’s in her gene. So when she did, she didn't realized that she started to expect more and more. Till it cut right on her eye, and bled in her heart. Then she realized that she hasn't kept her promise all this while. Then she realized that she has been expecting too high. Was it too late now for her to go back on the empty, hopeless path that she has promised herself to walk through till the end? Because now she found the current trail is too appealing, irresistibly attractive. Yet she’s afraid, too afraid that the path would again lead her to same high cliff once she used to fall off..

Sweet September

They say good things take time, but great things happen in a blink of an eye. Alhamdulillah. September is being so nice to me. I always love September. Despite it is the month of my birth day, lots of good things happen too.  I know some people won't believe me if I say that I'm quite a daydreamer. Yes.. I really am. So, on the day that my lab mates bought me a cake, I was actually had an imagination beforehand, that I would be the happiest person on Earth if they bought me a cake when we were having raya dinner at Kak Shal's place. But I thought I could only dream it because there would be a lot of other people too and there would be lots of food. But when the cake came out, it was just like a dream come true. I swear my heartbeat stopped for a few seconds and when I woke up the cake was already in front of me. I had no idea when or how it traveled. Lol!

Then, my friend Anis came way from the North. So when girls meet up, the world is ours. It was great to catch up. We hung out, window shopped, watched movie, went to lots of places and brought up all the memories during our undergrad school. It has been four years unbelievably, yet it feels like yesterday we went to the classes together and took exams.

And guess what, I have found Manja! And omg omg shockingly with her four kittens! I was really really grateful because all this while I have been praying to God to keep Manja save (okay feel free to laugh now, I won't be offended). And I'm totally impressed as she was able to rise her kittens healthily and they are playfully cute! Subhanallah!

And this week I got another surprise. A birthday present flew all the way from Japan! It was a Fossil watch. I love you Fizah! I swear I'm gonna cry when I opened it. I was actually feeling guilty because I have been busy lately. And I have less time chatting with her, then I feel like I'm a bad friend. I wanna buy a plane ticket to Japan right now!!! Huuuu... Actually it came at the right time cause currently all my watches' batteries were dead. Lol. Arigato gozaimas Fizah!!

Well apparently, I was like actually thinking, why all these great things happened at once. I couldn't take it anymore (okay this is tipu.. hee..). Indeed great things happen when you least expect it. Alhamdulillah, I feel so grateful for this great feeling, for having damn good people surround me. I pray that we will always be blessed, and this bond will never be broken. May Allah guide us all to Jannah :)

 

p/s: don't wake me up when September ends. September please don't leave.

The bosom buddies

I feel lucky to have a circle of people who always be so kind and sweet to me. They are the reasons I smile. The reasons for me to get on with life when I'm at the very deep bottom. The reasons for me to keep walking in this difficult path of my life because I know they are always there behind me. The reasons I treasure friendship more than ever.

p/s: They got me a birthday cake! Thanks guys. It did surprise me, I didn't expect it to come really. That was really sweet of you guys and I couldn't stop smiling :)

(credit picture to kimi)

25

What I love about birthday:

1. Mother's prayer is the first thing I love to hear.
2. Waiting for who is gonna be the first person wishing me 'Happy Birthday'.
3. People wishes and prayers really make my day. It shows that lots of people care for you isn't it?
4. When I don't allow Facebook to remind my friends when my birthday is, there are still few friends wish 'Happy Birthday'. That's really sweet. It reminds me that when someone really care for you, they don't need anything to remind them.
5. Birthday never just an ordinary day. Even how much you want to pretend it to be, it will always come to mind that today is a special day for you.
6. Perhaps when lots of people pray for you, you will feel blessed. And you will be going through the day with no difficulties, works seems easier, time seems to move slow and it will be the most productive day in your life.
7. When the sun is about to set, you will finally realized the special day would end soon and if only you could stop the time, you would not let it ends.

Yes, it was a great day. Even without cakes or presents.
Happy 25th birthday to me!

Wish I have this..

..or this! ^^,

My personal brand of heroins

One, that guilty pleasure is now truthful, which once I'm afraid that it will really happen. It is like my personal brand of heroin now. Enough to make me restless if I don't have it for a day, yet painful if I have it too much.

Two, pleasure that kills. Bonding with stray cats. Cats always make my day. I love to give them food. But when they're gone, or I couldn't feed them, I'm so sad that I could cry a river. I had a cat once. The first day I saw her, she was dirty. She was wandering along my lab's corridor. She is so pretty and manja so we called her Manja. I fed her everyday until she hovered and wouldn't go away. She gave birth to two cute and playful kittens, Bulat and Sepet. I started to worry when the kittens started pooping everywhere. I knew then one day they have to be transferred to some other place. And the day came. I took them to the college where I stay so that I could keep feeding them. I could see on their faces that they were really scared, been in the place that was foreign. Manja started to ignore her kittens. On the second day, I couldn't see Sepet anymore. That night I cried pretty hard that I woke up with puffy eyes. I couldn't stop myself from feeling angry to people who made me to, but most of all I couldn't stop blaming myself. I think I was crazy. So I wrote a letter to myself.



Dear Hasmaliana,
Remember that not all people around you are like you. You could love cats like they are your own kids but not others. Don't expect people to be like you. You live in a society, please be considerate. Sepet may left for good. Maybe someone has adopted him. He will live a better life with his new owner, have faith in that. It's ok to cry, you know you always cry for cats. You are not crazy, it is normal for a cat lover. They have a special bonding with cats. Don't blame yourself for throwing them out. They sure can survive. They are predators in nature. It's in their gene. Don't worry too much dear, Allah will keep them safe. He's The Most Gracious to His creatures, He won't let them hungry. They need to learn, explore new place, how to protect themselves. It's good for them. Cry as much as you want. When you feel better, don't stop feeding stray cats. Remember that you want to build a cat shelter one day, it's in your bucket list. Go for it!



The other day, I found Bulat alone, separated from Manja. She was lost and cried with terror. I took her, cleaned her fur, calmed her down and brought her back to her mother. But it didn't last. I didn't see her with Manja anymore because Manja was still in shock. She didn't care about her kittens anymore. Then I never saw Bulat again.

I write this entry because I miss Manja so much. I kept this story to myself before, because I was too sad  to tell people. Last time I saw her was before I went back home for Eid. She was actually pregnant again and already gave birth to kittens that I never saw, being so protective mother she is. I never see her after coming back here. The only thing I could do is just praying that Allah will keep her safe :(

p/s: Please stop throwing away and abandoning your cats. If only they can speak, you will know how hard they are crying.

Treasure

There were a few times that I opened up the new post page, stare at it for a few seconds and then closed it because I decided that the thing I had in mind at that time was too personal to be written in the blog. Because I always forget things and I would like myself to one day remember that moment, so I wrote them in my private diary. It's just like I am getting ready for an Alzheimer. But off course I wouldn't want that. It's just that I'm afraid of not remembering those memories so better lock it in a diary or something. I'm working on a photo album too, just bought one and will fill in photos or movie tickets or receipts or anything that comes up with stories. Yeah, I'm treasuring my present life more than before. That's why the idea came up.

So fasting was great this year. I never feel so peaceful in my previous Ramadhans. Alhamdulillah. Because after it left, I can feel the difference. It's hard actually to focus on your prayer and consistently read the Quran at least a 'Juz' a day in months other than Ramadhan. I wish that was not my last one. And I had a few days to spend Ramadhan with my family too which I haven't had quite a long time that I couldn't remember how it feels like. And off course it feels like a heaven. Then, Eid was great too. I made cookies for the first time and Mak approved that all my cookies taste delicious (happy face!). Oh, and we had our family portrait for the first time I can't believe it. Because one, it's not really our family tradition, two, last year Abah never showed up after the Eid's prayer until afternoon because he went straight visiting his friends and three Abah did not really kind of enjoy or appreciate photography. But He do now. So there you go, family portrait!

And that is our new-born Naura Tihani.

I had quite a long holiday this time and I had a chance to see my childhood friends which I haven't seen for like 13 years. It feels so good catching up with them. Then I attended a few engagement ceremonies of my cousins and friend where people kept asking when's your turn or when will you finish study. I'm sick of those questions but I know I couldn't shut their mouth up. So I'm back now in the lab, and I promise the next time I'm back home I will say a different answer for that question. Miahaha.. 

p/s: I want to finish lab work in December. Pray for me guys please!

p/s2: Lets just keep personal things personal. Yes sometimes it hurts to hide what you feel inside. It is like there's a large beautiful mouth watering cake in front of and you are trying so hard to hold yourself from eating it. But I'm not hundred percent sure of it either. I'm somewhat scared of finding out, yet at the same time I want to know more. Just let the time tell shall we?

Sueño - la secuela

I had found the dress I loved. But I decided not to rush things. Only then the next day I found that it was gone to someone else's hand. The only things left were the old-fashioned dresses. I regretted that. I should have quick and firm in making decision and believe in my own choice.

It was supposed to be a big day. But I was in denial. I didn't want to be at that place, do that thing. It's just that I have to, with no reasons I can remember of. I wanted to cry, but nobody seemed to care about my feeling. It was used to be my biggest hope not so long time ago, but now no more. It has now became the thing I'm most afraid of. Then things were like being fast forwarded and the last thing I knew, I was smiling contentedly. I didn't have to do it anymore. Those feeling was so real, like a bird being released from its cage. And the flock was waiting. Then it flew freely to its flock, to where it should belong.

I know dreams don't stay long. That was when I opened my eyes. It was five past four in the morning. My heart was pounding. I have never woken up from a dream where I could recall every single moments of it. And the feeling remained. I was like stupefied for a minute or less or more. What are all these mean? I don't know why, but I have a strong feeling that it was not just an ordinary dream.