Sad end

There she goes again. Throwing herself from the cliff, with arms wide open. It's not like she doesn't remember the pain when her body hits the water. She knows, the pain is like having every piece of bones in her body cracked at the same time. But she is just being her. The same her. She wants to get rid of that feeling. She is trying all her might. But how could someone forget a thing, when they have to face it everyday. Even they don't face it everyday, how could someone ever erase a feeling? She could only pray that God will make the feeling dissappear.

She doesn't know what she did wrong to deserve this punishment. Her hopes are all gone. She wants to run away. She doesn't belong to that place anymore. She feels left out. The feeling when people surrounding you are making a distance with you. Then, there must be something wrong with yourself.

The only hope for her, is leaving that place cause she has been there for too long. All people she trusts have long been away from her. She has no one now. And that ground now seems like sick of her existence.

She has been wondering, one day, the day she would suddenly dissappear, no one would ever care. Because people go on with their life. That's how cruel life is.

Attached

Some day, may be soon, I have to leave this beautiful place and those beautiful people. This comfort zone is really a wonderful place, but they say nothing ever grows here. Leaving for a new surrounding excites me but at the same time, I know that I will never find a place like here again.

When you know the time you have to leave is approaching, you are juggling with these two things.

First, spending more time with people around you, be closer to them and create good memories. Second, you create some distance with them so that when the time comes, you would not hurt much.

Surreal

I always love September. But this year, September was kind of bittersweet.

First, I have finally submitted my thesis. It feels like I have taken off a tonne-weight of backpack that I have been carrying on my shoulder all along these five years of journey. No. It is more than that, I couldn't find a word to describe that feeling. Relief but tired at the same time. And it is surreal. I can't believe that finally I reached this point. A point that only existed in my dream all these while. Second, the emptiness. I feel empty. Like all these while my life has been revolved around this 'deep well'. I was trying every single way existed to climb the well, and now finally I'm out. Then like a pair of eyes that meet the first light after sleep, it is too bright that it can't see anything but white. I don't know what to do next or where to go. Third, I feel like I missed myself for these five years. Where have I been? I communicated, I did things with people, but actually it was only my body doing the job. Apparently, my soul was isolated from the whole world. I have been avoiding people, I shut the door up to any people that come and knock, except for the people that I really trust. And now I feel friendless.

Then, I have said the words that once I left unsaid. I used to believe that what I feel was not true. I have tried to deny it. I have tried to run away from it. I have tried to not thinking about it, pretending that I don't care. Or tried to make other distraction. But only I realized that feelings never lie. It came closer the farther I run away from it. Until it tore my heart open. I never thought I would get the strength to say it. I did thing that I never did in my whole life. I couldn't hide it anymore. I put down my ego and be the first to say it, although I realize the possible consequences. But I know for sure that I will never regret embracing this feeling.

And thank you.

Yes, you.

Second chance

Weariness crept in. The muscles in my whole body started aching, the effects of my routine Saturday morning swimming. My head was heavy. I could barely open my eyes. In no time, I fell asleep. The azan calling for Asar prayer woke me up, but I decided to take a little more sleep. Then, I woke up. It's already Maghrib. I felt so regret because I did not wake up straight away when hearing the azan. I missed my Asar prayer. I felt so bad. Suddenly I saw myself, leaned by the bed, staring at me with unblinking eyes. I stared back at myself. I thought it was my reflection. I yelled at it, I hate you! Three times. I pushed its head with my index finger. I could touch it! Wait! I thought it was just a reflection. Something was wrong. I hugged it very tight, tried to pull it back inside me, or pushed myself inside that thing. I failed. It was still there. My eyes started to fill with tears. No, it couldn't be. I missed my Asar prayer. I was not ready. I tried to lift it and hug it again. Please, merged with me. It fell on the floor. I tried to ignore. Pretended that nothing had happened. I walked to the door, I wanted to perform ablution for Maghrib prayer. I was still in denial that the body laid on the floor was me. I wasn't ready. Please!! Help me!! I wasn't ready.

Then I woke up. It was still Asar. Allah.... thanks, it was only a dream. T_T

Bold

A wound could always be healed, but a scar would never fade. So, that scar is bleeding again. I just knew that this moment will come. I have prepared myself for this, but it's not that easy. Although I have never placed any hope anymore, this heart is still shattered. Broken, loser, that is how I feel I am. But I know Allah is conveying His message. I'm grateful to Him for showing me this. And now I feel bold with my own feeling. No more doubt that I have to let go off the past. It is not meant to be, it never was.

p/s: where is my Ron..

Unspoken word

Hey. Do you know how much I like you?

Betrayal

"Walaupun kau bukan kekasih, namun bukan sekadar teman biasa, hadirmu..." Antara cinta dan kasih, Aishah.

The bright light from the window has woken her up. No different from her other ordinary weekends, she only get up from bed to the heat and light of the Sun. Like most of her Saturday mornings, she went to the pool first thing after waking up for a long bath, besides swimming. She never learnt that swimming at this hour would only burn her skin and leave freckles. But that's the only way for her to escape everything, except sleeping. If only human could live in the water, she will absolutely build a home underwater. She feels strangely calm in the water. Indescribable peace of mind that couldn't be interrupted.

Those words were like a blade. Her respect and friendship has been returned by a treason. They are being hated for a crime they don't commit. A crime that is happening only in their hearts, thoughts and dreams, how could it be judged. And even if they really do, it could never be called a crime. This has been bothering her, even she has been dreaming about it. She laid on the water surface, hoping that the thoughts will go away. She let her body float and drifted by the water flow. She couldn't hear anything except her own heartbeat. Fast. Maybe from the swimming, but very sedative it could lull her to sleep. Pacifying as if it was the most beautiful sound in the world. And right above her, the ocean of the sky and the scattered clouds. She could see a bird flying freely, then with its flock. The longer she gazed, the more they were coming. Flying right before her eyes as if they were dancing to the song of her heartbeat. She lost in this beautiful moment. The thoughts have vanished like it never step in her mind. Laying like this, she realized how small and how fragile she is. A creation called human. Like how the water could hold her body from drowning, how the clouds are floating in the sky, and how the birds are flying in the air against the gravity, that is how Allah is holding her life. The test she has been facing in her life, is no smaller than a tiny dust in the entire universe. It is nothing than that one day it would make her stronger, because it has been perfectly written by her Creator without a fault. And now she knows that they will go through this together one day, leave it all behind and never take a single glance back.