The gift

My first and only mail while I was in Melbourne; my birthday present! Received on the 12th of November 2011. It traveled 10496.09 miles (16891.36 km) down to Australia. It is the most valuable and meaningful gift I've ever got :)



p/s: I've been wearing it day and night, so it will always close to my heart, as you are.

Paint a smile

The feeling strucks me again. It is uneasy. Like wanna throw up. The feeling of hating myself. I wrote it on a paper, crumpled it up and threw it away, hoping the feeling can go away.I am confused. Sometimes I am hesitate, am I doing the right thing? If it is, why am I keep feeling so bad? Why am I not getting it right from the beginning? Lord please give me strength. A bit strength to fight with myself. To endure this feeling and to love what I am doing.

Pause

It's November. How time flies, I feel like yesterday I was stepping my first step up in Australia land. Yeah, I know my latest post before this was on mid of September. And yeah I know that I was 'dead' for the last 2 and a half months. If you could recall, I did say that writing keeps me alive, so it means not writing makes me die. Yes, it's actually kind of true in some sort of ways. The lab keeps me busy and cause me flat all the time at home. The pressure is even dragging me out to the lab during the weekend. So, even though there were piles of ideas in my mind to write, how could they be translated into words when my fingers refused to touch the keyboard. This happened when all ATPs have been spending out for thinking and reacting to find the answers to 'why my protein doesn't refold, why my protein's peak doesn't appear, why my protein isn't active' and others unsolved mystery of this 'guy'. Since I have chosen this less traveled path, my life have been haunted by this guy at all time. It's not that I didn't know the guy is waiting along the road when I chose to travel through it. So, I shouldn't complain as this is what I choose myself.

I love to quote this, 'To live in the world without becoming aware of the meaning of the world is like wandering about in a great library without touching the books'. Somehow this quote reminds me, as if that is what I have been through since that day I chose the path. I'm actually in the process of searching the meaning of the world, without realizing it. This sort of soothes me a little bit. hehe.

There's not much time left here. This weekend I feel like stop for a moment and catch a breath before continuing this marathon. Giving myself a little me time to so-called organize myself, re-arrange my mind as well as packing things to be shipped back home and celebrate eid tomorrow. Yay we are making rendang and ketupat again. And I reckon that this probably is my biggest 'Qurban' (sacrifice) in my life. Going away from home to study, and celebrating both eids away from family. I'm hoping that this sacrifices will grant me His blessing, as that is what we all need after all.

Fitzroy Garden, Spring 2011, Melbourne.

p/s: I'm currently reading 'The Lost Symbol' by Dan Brown, inspired by someone whose has always been inspiring me from the day I met him. And I know now he's reading this. I know you're my devoted 'stalker' right? (he called it fan) hehe. And by the way, the quote is taken from that book.

Blow the sadness away

I never give so much thought of me going places and seeing spectacular scenery like on the desktop wallpapers, posters and tv. Never dream of that though. Well, just couple of days ago I went to the most magnificent place that I have ever been in my life. It is called the Great Ocean Road, a 243 km stretch of road along the south-eastern coast of Australia. No words can describe how stunning the scenery, how beautiful the earth, and ultimately how great the Creator is. Throughout the drive, I saw a lot of things that I have never seen before and somehow I was lost in my own thought, feeling like I was in a fantasy world. And being close to the nature, I feel strangely calm and peace. Because all creatures always praising Allah, we'll absolutely feel very peaceful when being around them. Feeding the parrots, seeing the cute sleepyhead koala, feeling the freezing-cold breeze blowing through my face and blowing the sadness away (how I wish it will be blown off forever) ans witnessing the live breathtaking scenery like a really large painting on a canvas, it was a priceless experience.

p/s: hoping for a piece of rainbow after a long rainy day.

I really want to go home :(

Is it wrong to hate myself? Because that is what I've been feeling these days. I don't know whether that's a normal feeling. I hate myself for being so stupid, I feel like I don't know a thing. I'm asking too much, each works need to be guided, I work very slow, and always doing mistakes. I feel really dumb. Even I had been trained, I still can't remember to do it myself, I'm too dependent, and I hate being that kind of person. I'm stressed out in that lab, I have no friends, I don't know how to start a conversation, I don't know how to respond, I know nothing! I smile but crying inside. I want to go home badly. I don't wanna be here anymore :(

Setting with the Sun

"Sun, please give me a ride for just 2 hours. I really want to see him."

If only I could say it to the Sun..

Shed the tears away, have a little faith.

Having faith in someone is hard. It may take years. But losing that faith is even harder. Cause I believe that years of knowing that someone is long enough for building invulnerable core of the trust. I know that my faith in someone is being tested. Yes, I do admit that initially I felt doubt, uncertain and like betrayed. And being far away from home, it just like makes thing worse. I felt so alone, like being ignored and like I wanna do reckless things. At this time, I felt so close to Allah. There's might be no one beside me, but I know that He's always there. I pray for the best and to show me the right way. With that little faith, I shed the tears and chose to confront instead of trusting other people or digging the truth if I want. Because I have encountered so many obstacles, cried so many pains and learnt so many things along this way. I just hate to let that little bug ruins every single blooming flowers. It's just too unfair to totally believe in what people say without giving a chance for the person to defend her/himself. So, I just follow my

heart and I'm pretty sure that was the best thing to do. I'm hoping that this happened for some unpredictable good reason that will come at the right time.

p/s: I believe in fate, and to Him I rely on. Please give me the strength.

Same, old pain..

I really can't think of what should I do. Do I have to believe on what they say? Should I just ignore and pretend that I've never heard anything? But the pain is just hardly to be ignored. I really don't know what to do :'(

collecting jar of words

Hey people. Its been a while right, how's it going? I wasn't feeling so well last week, so the driving force for writing in here was ZERO. And now, I feel like writing again, cause this is the only thing that keep me alive and wake me up from this long long sleep. Haven't written for these few days was long enough for making me feels like DEAD. Actually I can't believe it myself, probably because I never take writing blog very seriously. But after all, I might re-think that writing is actually something that instead of just for fun and maybe a way for keeping my friends up to date with what's going on in me, it is something that refreshing my mind and may be I can say as a way of conveying my feelings and ideas. Then, there's a feeling, a positive one, that comes when I click on the 'publish post' button. It's kind of satisfaction or relief I guess. Yeah. Correct. Now I'm falling in love with writing! haha.. freak!

The first thing that I was hoping for when I arrived in Australia was, I don't wanna get sick. So, I made the first two weeks up with very excellent health, though my room mate got flu, my antibody done a great job killing those antigens. However, when all people in the house started to get infected, means that the antigens were now growing into a huge strong group of army soldiers until my antibody were lost in the battle field. So, I sickly sick and lab works were crap cause my head had been spinning like 13000rpm at 4deg. But alhamdulillah, now I'm getting better cause I took the pills. Yeay! For the first time in my life, I took the medicine without hesitate. (p/s: that will only happen if I am in the other continent, far from family + don't wanna waste dollars on hospital bill).

Been tested with sickness actually makes me realize that I own nothing in this world. And because of that, it makes me think and think, am I grateful enough for the gifts that have been showered to me? Sometimes there are times that I don't actually think, or remember all that I have ain't actually mine. But when one of them is taken, even for a sec, then we'll naturally be waken up. That's the beauty of Allah's way of testing us, not to make us suffer instead to wake us up and obviously shows that He loves us. I'm grateful that I'm a muslim, because we know what is our ultimate aim. And when we are suddenly off the right path, He will show us the way. Only it will depend on us, ignore the sign, then you will be astray.

p/s: love the barakah of Ramadhan.

The contrary

In Australia, I notice a lot of things that is wayyy different from my country:

1. Drivers will responsibly stop their car if they see you want to cross at the zebra. So, apparently it's safe to cross the road without looking at the right and left and right again, as long as it's on a zebra cross ~ I will definitely have to change the habit after going back to Malaysia.

2. People will greet you whenever you are making transaction with them (eg at the bank, cafe, stores, even the cashier will ask 'how're you doing today') ~ a little bit awkward at first, like, err do I need to answer that to the perfect strangers?

3. Birds and cats here are so BIG ~ I feel like wanna catch and bring them home.

4. No wild cats or dogs are left wandering on the streets ~ never see one.

5. You can find a tree with nothing left but only branches, or a tree with only the fruits left. And they're so beautiful.

6. You can't throw the rubbish just like that, you need to separate things that are reusable and recyclable from the things that are non.

7. Foods left on the table during winter won't spoil even for a week! ~ so, save your time and energy by cooking for a week..hehe..

8. Smokes coming out from your mouth when you speak ~ excited at first..hehe

9. Lots of chocolates!! Cheap and taste great!

10. Kissing couple in public (even in the campus)..errk!

And in the lab:

1. All standard buffers are prepared by the technician and you just have to pick up a bottle and pour it and use it. ~ what? I feel so excited to go to the lab everyday, and finish my PhD.

2. You won't need to wash the used glass apparatus cause there will be somebody clean up for you. Put your dirty lab coat in the right place and they will do laundry for you. ~ heaven! they even have a 'labmaid'

3. You will be given a lab coat, a bench, a set of pipette and an office desk with computer (except for us) ~ I can offer myself to work forever at lab like this!

4. Lab manager will do all the ordering for you ~ frequent cases of fighting with suppliers can be avoided.

5. Order a set of pipette today, will receive it tomorrow!

6. Falcon tubes, weighing boats are thrown away after used ~ what a waste! I want to collect it all and bring it to my lab.

Wayyyy too different doesn't it? Now I know it's true that we will discover and learn so many things as we travel the world.

At my favorite spot. Love the trees :)

Nerve-wracking moment

We have been facing many first time moments in our lives and for me it is always a nerve-wracking moment though it is full of curiosity. And tomorrow, I'll be facing another first time moment in my life, but the feeling is totally different this time cause I'm facing it in a different country, with different culture and people. I'm a little bit afraid when thinking about working with people in here, can I cope with their way of working? And one thing that I'm most afraid of is can I understand what they are talking? Because from my experience for the past 5 days communicating with Australians (during custom checking, when making payment at the mall, when opening a bank account etc.) It's quite hard to understand their accent, cause they talk so fast that I can't catch the words. Then it would be so shame to say pardon all the time, all over again *sigh*. I really hope that this will past over time.

So tomorrow will be my first time at school, maybe at the lab too, and I'm kind of excited too when dreaming that I want to solve my research problem here, InsyaAllah. I'm hoping that my research will progress faster, and that dream is the only reason that I'm looking forward to go to the lab tomorrow :)

p/s: Ya Allah, mudahkan urusan kami...

Australia

It's been a while since my last post in here. Lots of things came up for the last few weeks. My life have been so hassle and everything just happened so quickly. And now, I can't even believe myself that at this moment, as I write this, I'm here in Australia! I feel like I'm dreaming. What? Aussie? Am I really here? yeah.. I'm here..

So, what had happened last week, I got a phone call telling that the 16th airplane ticket was sold out. We have only 2 choices, whether to board earlier which on 12th or later which on 25th. Then my supervisor encouraged me to go on the 12th. What? I was told on 7th and I have to board the plane in the next 5 days? First thing to do is cry! Oh crap, how am I gonna face this. I'm not ready yet. I just have 5 days to settle everything. You know at that moment, I'm so grateful that I have friends that couldn't be more understanding. They helped me out as much as they could. I owe my roomate, kak tim, who has been spending all day accompanying me to make the travellers cheque, though she's so tired and at the end of the day the mission was not accomplished. I owe Nuar for driving me to uptown to buy winter jackets. And I owe my best friend Fizah for helping me sending my samples to Monash University, I know that's the biggest help of all and I owe you the biggest. Thanks to my lab mates for helping Fizah with the courier process. I don't know how to thank all of you. I love you all!

On 9th, I packed, I put just everything in the bag cause I have no time actually to think about the weight. Then, the night I boarded plane to hometown, my bag was overweight, 10kg than allowed. And I have to pay RM300 for that! WHAT! Oh my god, that was the first time ever happened. My head have been so messy and I'm tired and I want all of this to end. I have no idea, and I just paid it. That was a really big waste, but I don't want to think about it anymore. At least I have my friends at that time, Kak Iza, Kak Atul, Kak Tim, Kak Faiz, Fizah and Laura that sent me to the airport. Thank you guys, you made me forgot about the wasted money on the bags.

So, Australia. Can't say more about it yet. I'm in the middle of adapting to the culture, people and off course weather. One thing I can say, it's COOOLD! I'll be freezing to death if there's no heater in this room. And I'm so grateful that I met Kak Naz, whose allowing us to stay in her house which is very perfect! I have no idea how we're gonna find a room if we didn't meet you. And it's so fun to have your adorable 2 years old daughter around the house, she's darn cute!

It's a long first entry in Australia I guest. haha. So guys, who read my post, please pray for me. Hope everything's going well here, especially my lab works. Little bit nervous to think of my new supervisor which is very very strict person. huhu. As my supervisor said, I'm coming here as representative to mosti and MGI, so it is very important to show the best first good impression to them and I know that is the biggest responsibility that I ever take in my life. And I will try my best, insyaAllah. So, photos are coming soon in the next entry :)

The list

Finally the date is set. I feel relieve on one side, yet on the other side I literally feel that I'm not quite ready for this. Scared, worried, happy, sad, excited, I can't describe my feeling right now, it's all mixed up causing this pressure build up in my head. So many things to do on this restricted period of time, and I hope that I can stand the pressure till the time comes. But one thing that keeps disturbing me, causing me feel uneasy all this while; will I survive in that environment which is far more challenging? Can I give them the best first impression of this group? It's like I will be carrying heavy loads of all trust and hope from the group. It is a massive responsibility, and I can't simply take it easy, never at all.

I'm hoping that this last few weeks are lively and memorable for me. And I'll absolutely be enjoying all hours, minutes and seconds to the fullest. Like be kind to all my friends, cooking them food, appreciating all their kindness, won't start a war, laugh more, cry less, eat as much as I can, go shopping till the purse empty, capture the view of every corners in the LAB and many more which I'm not sure will I have enough time for all of that. So now, I'm making the lists of important things to do and that list makes me feel even worst! urghh.. Maybe I'm worried too much. Hope everything's gonna be fine.

p/s: thanks for helping me making the list. it really helps :)

Towards a dream!

As I write this, I'm laying on my bed listening to Delta Goodrem's songs blast at me through the headphone. What a lazy day, I call it no-purpose day, as for example, today I go to Jusco with my house mates looking for anything to buy. So, apparently, we walk and walk until we find something to buy. Then we end up at the shoes compartment and guess what, we're all buying the same sandals, only different in colors. And then, my room mate (k.tim) suggests, "lets make it a present to ourselves." Just so you know the mall offering free wrapping service, so we ask the worker to wrap it all. What a crazy idea. Oh, there's a funny thing happens while we're waiting the worker, somehow k.tim says, "yeay, I got a present from myself!" very excitedly and just as loud as for a man beside us to hear that, and then he gives us kinda weird look and finally smirks. He must be thinking that we are sort of out of mind, buying ourselves present. Then we just ignore him, like, who cares! hahaha..

So recently, I've been keep repeating Delta Goodrem's songs and my head has been spinning with it since. I'm kind of easily fascinated to singers that play piano in their songs. Like Vanessa Carlton's A Thousand Miles, Lady Antebellum's Need You Now, Westlife's You Raised Me Up, Written In The Stars and many others. I just can't help to admiring their piano skills and I always dream that someday I could play it. Then, it was one day on last week, it triggered something in me, an idea of how I can start learning piano without going to class (which may require a little of a PhD-student's time) nor buying a keyboard so I could practice playing (which will require some big amount of money). And the idea was; through VIRTUAL PIANO! *ting* the idea came just like that. Why it never came out of my mind before. But actually the idea came after I watch a YouTube video where they were playing songs using the Google Doodle Guitar. So, I was curious, if there's virtual guitar, there might have virtual piano too! Never mind. It's better late than never right. So I started playing the simple songs for beginners like Happy Birthday, Brother John, Twinkle Twinkle and I can't help feeling so excited that finally I'm now on my first step towards that dream! But playing with virtual piano is a little bit difficult though, as you need to remember which keys on the keyboards represent the notes, but I don't mind, as long as I can play it! hehe..

p/s: I've always wanted to learn how to play the piano and read sheet music so I can play my favorite songs.

Unconditional love

They say, a mother's love is the greatest, beyond any comparison. It is unconditional and forever. I learn that while I grow up, but I have never really contemplated how great my mother's love to me until last week. For the first time in my life, I realized that if that kind of love doesn't ever exist in this world, there's no way I could stand where I am today.

The school holiday has just begun, so I took the chance to go back home again, although I just went home on two weeks before. The desire to meet my family this time was driving me mad actually. I don't know why, do human often get homesick as we get older? I'm not so sure bout that either, but I'm really sure that it happens to me. So, this time the house was quite noisy as everyone were there, except my brother and his family. It was like the other night, we sat together having dinner except that we still continuously chatting although each plates were already empty. Cause we talked about very interesting topic, which like flashing back of our childhood memories. Everyone had their own story, like my younger brother, he cried at all days of his first week at school refusing to enter the classroom, instead begging the teacher to sit with his sister in her class. And my sister, she fell of from her bicycle into a big drain which left her a permanent scar on her chin that remain until today. After that, my mom told a story of mine. A story that I nearly forget. She told me, how hard it was back then to make me go to school. Every morning, she had to wake me up at least an hour (I think) before I woke up. Then, she had to drag me up to the bathroom, bathed me while I was keep knocking her hand aside from pouring the water to me (and that caused my mom's clothes all wet too). Then, she wore me the school uniform, and while wearing me my socks, I kept kicking as a way of protesting cause I really didn't wanna go to school. And she said, as I cried, my mom cried too. When she told me that, I feel like wanna cry badly. All those memories were slowly coming back into my head along with others. And slowly I realized that how bad me as a daughter, did that to my mother. I feel like I want to go back on those time and change everything. Or at least, count how much pains that I hurt my mother, how many tears that she had cried, cause I want to hurt myself back the same pains and cry the same liter of tears. But I can never do that. I know that I can never make it all right.

I don't want to make her cry anymore. It's all enough, all the pain that she had been through, I will never let her go through again. It's a MOTHER'S LOVE, is why we are here today. Sometimes when we have succeed in life, we forget that behind the success there is a soft hands that have always supported us when we are about to fall down, a wrinkled face that has always threw a soothing smile when we're having a difficult time, and a best friend that always be there for us.

p/s: when I become a mother, will I be as strong as her? As patient, as determine and as loving as her?

Broken heart

It hurts so much. So much that I want to hurt myself with the broken glass. Why you're so mean to me. I have done everything, and I just don't get what else you actually want from me? All this while we are together, am I being bad to you? You break my heart to the pieces that are impossible to be picked up again. And all that left with me is a very little hope that one day you will love me back. Is it possible? You know how bad I need you cause I just couldn't live without you. Without you I won't graduate. My love amylase, I never missed our dates everyday at the lab, even on the weekend, but why you're so mean?

Hmm.. a little drama with my enzyme. Yeah, we were just having a big fight and I don't know how to face him again tomorrow..Arrgghh!! He never know how to please me. Indeed he never did! I've never been so upset with my study. From elementary school, high school and undergraduate studies, how difficult the subjects, I always passed the exam with flying colours. Except for some papers in my third year that dragged away my pointer back then, but still I graduated with first class degree. And now, everything's seem so difficult. Up to this point I have no positive result at all. I'm so worried, sad and disappointed. Everytime I did the assay, read the OD, I can't help to feel so depressed. Just like a broken hearted person. When will all this end? i'm tired..

p/s: dear Allah, please show me the way..

Moments at home..

That nervous moment when I left the unfinished works, bought airplane tickets, packed and went home.

...and finally realizing that that's actually the very best decision on that tensed week.

That wonderful moment when I can wake up and sleep whenever I want without feeling guilty.

...and really enjoying this moment to the fullest.

That refreshing moment when waking up in the morning with the harmonious sounds of crowing roosters and showering with the ice-cold water from the hill.

...and enjoying this moment too because I can never find it anywhere else.

That funny moment when I was hiding behind mum's back to prevent from crashing with the flying insects (often at night).

...cause I hate them especially bugs and roaches...euww!

That peace moment when there's no one in the house could make me angry.

...and thinking that I always know that my parents love me, but will never know how much.

That awkward moment when I was watching TV with my mum and the Mother's Day advertisement came out, yet realizing that I couldn't find a way to wish her happy mother's day.

...and finally it ended as I wasn't wishing her but instead requesting her marvelous 'laksa' :P

That odd moment when my mum trusting me to drive alone for the first time ever.

...but I knew that she actually worried so bad that she kept reminding me to not step on the gas.

That scary yet anxious moment when I was driving alone, at night, on the quiet, dark, long road on the way back home.

...but it was actually a great moment, imagining that I was driving my on car.

That annoying moment when my dad keep advising me the same point every time I went back home.

...yet realized I missed his advises so much that finally I regret to feel that way :(

That moment when all problems are vanished, only can be found in a very special place..

called.....

H.O.M.E.

The moment

You are so sweet in your own way. It's a beautiful moment that I've been waiting for. I can feel your presence although you're not here. But like I said, you're not in front of me but you're in me. I just can't describe this feeling, cause I've never felt it before. But deep inside, I'm grateful that I met you. Thanks ♥

p/s: 02052011

Gratifying

You know it's nothing new

Bad news never had good timing

Then the circle of your friends

Will defend the silver lining

- John Mayer -

In life, laughing is equally important as finishing the pile of works. Indeed spending some time to relax and having fun with some friends can be the best remedy for stress. It's been a while, because everybody was busy so we didn't have time to leave the lab for a while and hang out like we used to (like playing rounders, badminton and barbecue at waterfall etc). Plus my head was overloaded with those craps, the ruined PhD evaluation, housemate crisis, visa problem that keep delaying the date. Hmm.. I think that all my experiments went rubbish cause I couldn't think straight with those loads. So, before this head explodes, let's get out of this. We were having girl's day at the royal garden, near the palace at JB. At first, jogging was the main agenda. However it turned out to be a photoshooting event. I laughed a lot, we laughed a lot, and I can feel all those problems flying away, far away. Thanks gals for making it happened :)

p/s: Pain throws your heart to the ground, love turns the whole thing around.

Demeanour

Humans are very unique creature. They might be looked physically same, but internally their feelings, behavior and thoughts are very dissimilar. We were raised in different ways, so sometimes the right for them isn't right for us. We were taught by our parents to do this and that, and not to do this and that. We were raised in those small community called a family and we were so comfortable with the culture created in it. However, as we grow up, we meet various kind of people and we socialize. At first, they seem mostly alike us, we have the same hair color and skin tone, speak the same language. But when this two different persons sharing their lives together, all those dissimilarities would then be revealed. Day by day, the differences are so obvious. We started to feel uncomfortable with them and worse case if we couldn't control our emotion, it will end up with argument and misunderstanding.

As I age, I started to learn that people are so different. There's no way we could expect that they will think and behave the same way we are. If they are, it's very rare. We might wait a lifetime to meet a person that behave and think exactly like us. Even soul mates argue too. So, how to build a happy, perfect relationship? It's all begin with negotiation. If we see with our heart, the differences are actually complementing each other. Say, one love to cook but very rejective when it comes to the cleaning part. And the other one is so not into cooking but very neat and hate the dirt. If we think in negative side, the neat person might piss off and think, "what the hell I should clean her/his plate, she/he's not a handicap." But think of opposite way, "she/he has done the cooking and I ate it to. Why not I do the cleaning for return."

Actually, I'm a little bit disturbed for what had just happened. I've never imagined we would end like this. I have started to love them like my own family. The note has really changed everything. And I can't deny that it keeps hurting me inside. Yeah, everything's happened with reasons, but I still couldn't see why is this happened. Maybe I just have to let it be and believe that some day I will see the hikmah that Allah has written for it.

p/s: sometimes we have to accept just the way he/she is cause nobody's perfect.

Loser like me

'Yeah, you may think that I'm a zero..but hey, everyone you wanna be probably started off like me'

Yesterday I had my PhD evaluation. It was suck. Suck like REALLY suck. I was like being shot and shot again, and finally slaughtered to death. Ok..that's too much. Anyway, ever since in my academic life, I had never been mentally tortured like that. I screwed up everything by not being able to answer the most simplest thing, the backbone of protein! I was totally blanked, like I never heard of it before. Then slowly I started to feel really really down and my self esteem drastically fell to its lowest level. If not because of I'm so good in bottling up my feeling, I would have cried in the presentation room, in front of the examiners. I felt like why I'm so stupid, that is the most fundamental knowledge that I should know. Then, when I was outside waiting for the examiners to discuss and come up with their decision whether to pass or fail me, the only thing in my mind was I'm ready to accept the fact that I don't deserve to study at the PhD level. My fundamental knowledge is too fragile. But then, I was a little bit shocked when the chairman said that I passed the evaluation and I can continue studying PhD. I bet that I didn't give the right facial expression when he said congratulations. I should have smiled, but probably because I was too ready to face the truth if I failed, so I just gave the expressionless face. And I think the chairman was giving quite a weird look to me.

But still I feel like I don't really deserve it. After a day, I still don't feel happy but the opposite. All this while, I just take for granted the chance of skipping the master studies. I don't study much, as much as a PhD student should have. I don't really organize my work and my time as a PhD student should. Now, I realize that I'm too comfort in my zone. What I can do is to go out of the zone and exploring the world. There is one quote that I love very much, and quite reflecting my situation right now, 'Yeah, you may think that I'm a zero..but hey, everyone you wanna be probably started off like me'. It's some part of lyric from Loser Like Me by Glee. At first I heard it, it really knocked me. I kept replaying the song again and again and it really hits me. The song is like consoling me and lifting up my spirit again, like come on, wake up. Everyone started off like you, from zero. So why bother, just wake up and live again and make yourself better. Yeah, I'll surely go for it!

I melt when he sings.

p/s: Grateful for being given another chance. Alhamdulillah.

I hate pills

When you start feeling the world is spinning and you walk like a drunker cause you can't feel your feet touching the floor, when your stomach makes funny noise like a growling sound but your tongue just can't accept any incoming food as it tastes them all bitter, and spending most of your time in a blanket seems like the only way could lead you to the heaven, then only you will be grateful for your health. Yesterday, I was tested. I had a strong fever which I haven't had for quite a long time. And been sick like that, I would just miss my mom so much. I felt like crying when I have to fight this sickness alone without having mom beside whose will always checking on my temperature and dab wet towel on my forehead. But then, it was just the miracle of mom's instinct, she called me. She might have some feeling that I was not feeling well. And yes, talking with her was always the best remedy (at least internally cured).

I hate pills. If you know me well you'll notice that. So I slept at least 15 hours, and skipped dinner (before that I just ate a plate of breakfast) hoping that my antibody would be strong enough to fight those bad bacteria or viruses. Plus the fact that our body will recover faster if we don't eat when sick because all our body's energy will go focusing on immune system to fight the antigens, so I thought I'll recover as soon as I woke up tomorrow morning (still refusing on taking pills). Unfortunately, I still felt the world was spinning though my temperature has reduced. There's no way I can go to the lab like this or else I would end up breaking the shake flasks. Thus, I have to now surrender to the drugs to continue the fighting. And for an "anti-pills person" like me, just one tablet of paracetamol plus some more sleep can be the most powerful grenade to win the battle.

I hate pills for reasons, first you know drugs are the number 1 killer of human. Second, my body is exposed long enough (8 hours a day, tell me is it long or short) with hazardous chemicals in the lab till I can't feel like they're toxic anymore because every day I play like "masak masak" with all those poisons and third, yeah, they comes in colorful and attractive shapes but off course none of them taste like strawberry. That's why I'm avoiding pills, unless for certain cases (in this case, I have the first stage evaluation for PhD this Thursday, so I need help from Mr Pills).

Pills, although you come in pink, you'll still be my nightmare..

p/s: appreciation comes only after the gift was taken back..alhamdulillah..

Just cry...

I was called to write about this. A friend had lost someone special in her life. Her bf called their relationship off. She told me quite a long time ago, but maybe because she didn't even drop a single tears back then, I was thinking that she was strong. And today, I don't know what drives me, I read her blog, and suddenly I can feel the hidden message inside her words, that actually she isn't that strong to face it all alone. I'm not good in pleasing people, nor giving advice, nor comforting cause I'm not good in words. But I hope this can help (if you read this, sis).

Love can be the sweetest thing, yet it can be the worse nightmare. It is never a bed of roses and there will certainly be times when we get hurt and experience unbearable pain. I had experienced the worse part of love, and at the same time when I kept it to myself, it ate me from deep within. I cried all night long and felt that life was never been so hard. Then slowly I realized that grieving couldn't ever change anything cause it had happened. How much tears I cried, I can never go back in time where it happened, pause and skip the sad scene. So I kept reminding myself that it was just a phase in my life that I have to hurdle to make myself a better and stronger person. As they said, everything's happened for reason. Allah knows what best for me. Maybe wanted us to learn from mistakes and be a better person. And now, I realize that it is true.

Whenever you feel like crying dear, do not hold back. Just cry and let all your pain flow out with your tears. Only then can you start picking up your broken self and start again. Remember that you still have people that love you, family and us, your friends if you need a shoulder to cry on. Don't keep it to yourself cause friends are meant to be burdened with our problem. Who else to be bothered besides friends? If you feel alone, remember that God loves you and He misses your prayers, kneel to Him cause He misses that. Bear in mind that you will survive this hardest phase of your life. But do not force yourself to move in just too quickly. Give yourself time, allow yourself to grieve, and every time you feel like crying, just cry.

p/s: Just cry. No person has ever drowned in his own tears.

The shortest March

One thing about me that annoys myself too, I 'LOVE' doing things at last minute. And the consequence is I have to stay awake all night, maybe get sleep for 2 to 3 hours only, and wake up with the big dark circles around my eyes. Actually, I didn't have even a seconds to check that dark circles up, I just realized it last night when I wore hijab to go out to my supervisor's house. I was a little bit shocked, and tried to cover it with some foundation so that it didn't seem too obvious I wrote the proposal all night. Hope my supervisor didn't notice that. Oh, you might wonder, meet supervisor at night? Yeah, you are not mistaken. It was 11 pm and he's only available at that time. He's just coming back from Perak and the next morning he'll depart to Bangkok. So, we sat for that valuable 2 hours discussing about my proposal. Then I was like thinking, doesn't he know what 'tired' means? Because I couldn't feel my feet anymore after doing the proposal straight from Friday to Saturday but it just only 2 days.

The proposal is for my PhD evaluation. And if I didn't do it my best, there's a chance that I might be downgraded to master. Who wants that? A big NO! The actual date for the proposal submission is on 25th but I have to submit earlier because my flight will be on 2nd of April. 2nd of April is too soon. I have too many unsettled things here. With the evaluation, the advance allowance, visa and 'course I want to spend some time with my family before going and never come back for 6 months (plus celebrate raya there). I feel this is the shortest month in my life. I couldn't even remember the passed days of March and finally there are only few days left to the end of it.

I can say that last week was the toughest for me. Emotionally unstable, with a rush to catch as much as lab works as possible that can be done here and unfortunately, the lab didn't cooperate with me. Maybe he wants me to stay longer or he don't want me to go. If I can talk to him, I'll kneel and beg. Then, I have to confront the so unprofessional staff at the Research Management Centre. Huh.. They never failed to piss me off! Not only me, but anyone who deals with them will say the same. Don't you have a heart to let people down when you're talking like that? Do you feel so satisfy to see people angry with you? What's wrong with giving a smile and try to simplify other people's work rather than talking impolitely and if possible to put all the blame on us? Aren't you realized that you're working at customer service where you need to entertain the customer? Do you know that I feel like crying after seeing you. That shows how good you are in making people sad and feel humiliated. Actually, I really don't want to waste my time thinking about people like that. There are many other important things to think of. And I promise that one day I'll report to the vice chancellor and I'll cheer louder than other people if you get fired. haha..

p/s: I really hope that April 2 is not the date.

The call

Have you ever experienced this; your phone's ringing when you are watching a night movie in the cinema, and your eyes are automatically wide opened when seeing the name on the screen, it's your boss! If never, then I know that I can't find any other bosses in this world as workaholic as my boss (a.k.a my supervisor). Learning from senior's experience, I knew that I MUST answer his call no matter what without making him realize that the background noise was coming from the movie. I didn't want to miss any seconds of the scene but if I didn't pick up, he will surely call my friend, which was sitting beside me and obviously she was giving me such a face like 'go out! answer that or he'll call me instead!' I've got no choice than went out of the hall and call him back. The moment I heard his tense voice, I relieved that I have made the right decision to call him back. Then the rest was bla bla bla..you should do this..you must remember that..bla bla bla..

My supervisor is a super duper busy young professor (and a lecturer and a dean too!) with tons of research projects under his management. His days packed with meetings and management works as a dean, but it will never be ended if he don't step himself in his lab, our lab. His days will only be flawless if he can spend some times with his postgrad students because research means everything to him (I think..hehe). Therefore, if he couldn't make it to go to the lab, or his mind was too crowded with faculty issues, the above situation will happen. When he starts to remember something (normally relating to research) at home, he'll call us whenever he wants so that he won't forget it later without considering to not calling the girl at night, or thinking what are we doing at that time. However, we're the most kind and understanding students, so we never reject his phone call even though we're still in bed (that case always happens on weekend).

This often happened to, instead not the groceries. LOL. :D

p/s: lots of things in mind. Lots of unsure things make me hard to make decisions. The last decision before that day comes. But actually its nothing compared to my supervisor's.

Marry me?

It’s a beautiful night,
We’re looking for something dumb to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares baby
I think I wanna marry you.

Well I know this little chapel on the boulevard we can go,
No one will know,
Come on girl.
Who cares if we’re trashed got a pocket full of cash we can blow,
Shots of patron,
And it’s on girl.

Don’t say no, no, no, no-no;
Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah;
And we’ll go, go, go, go-go.
If you’re ready, like I’m ready.

I’ll go get a ring let the choir bells sing like oooh,
So whatcha wanna do?
Let’s just run girl.
If we wake up and you wanna break up that’s cool.
No, I won’t blame you;
It was fun girl.

Just say I do,
Tell me right now baby,
Tell me right now baby.

How sweet of you :)

p/s: everything's went back to normal. Alhamdulillah..

Remorse

These days, I lost in my own world. I can't find my way back, and keep wandering alone in the empty, dark spaces, trying so hard to find the lights, but literally I am deeper, farther from the way out. I don't know what's wrong with me, seems that I am fighting with myself. I want to scream my heart out but my mouth seems glued. This feeling is totally different. I'm surrounded by people that I love but I can't feel our hearts are really connected. And finally it triggers this explosion.

How I wish I can go back in time and change it. This remorse is killing me. Everytime I think of it, I feel like a blade slides into every inch of my flesh. I shouldn't have said that. I should have investigated before jumping into conclusion. Now, it's far too late and nothing can be done to make it right. All I could think to comfort myself is, be patient and it will all get better in time.

Now, I understand the meaning of sacrifice. How hard it is on me, it's harder to see someone's hurt because of me.

p/s: You used to tell me that, but I didn't believe it until today. Thank you for being my crying shoulder. I can't be more grateful than having someone like you.

Tick tock

The moment will come in no time, and I feel nervous, wonder and kinda afraid when thinking of it. I have got too many things to do. Too much that finally I think that I wanna quit, do nothing and just let the time bring me to that day. The harder I chase those tons of works, the more mistakes I did and more hearts was hurt. In this situation, I realize how precious time is and 9 hours of working is now seems absurd. Right now, my mind is crowded with all the theories and strategies that come out of nowhere. It's so true that at moment of desperation, the idea will just come without me asking them to. But why come now, this late? I haven't got enough time to make action, even to think of it. How I wish that they appeared earlier and by now I can be smiling while waiting the day to come.

p/s: I feel isolated. Far from my family, even my friends. I feel empty, lonely. Is this just an illusion?

Waterfall barbeque

Yesterday, me and my lab mates went to waterfall at Gunung Ledang. We were having barbeque and playing and 'course shooting. That was fun! As an organizer (yeah, me, organizer), I felt super tired but I experienced great satisfaction cause after it had been planned for months ago, it's finally happened. Actually we're planning to have beach barbeque party but since we had have barbeque at Desaru last year, plus they said the sea water is muddy during this season, so finally we decided to have barbeque in the jungle beside the waterfall. Yet, there's still off course some complications. Like some which at first was very excited to go, but suddenly decided not to join for no reason, some didn't get permission from husband and some has to cancel at last minute. So, out of 13, only 10 persons could join the barbeque. It's ok K.Aizi and K.Atul, next time we'll arrange another vacation, more fascinating event, InsyaAllah :)

So, I decided that we began our journey as early as 7 in the morning. However, I'm so sorry guys that I couldn't get up early that morning as the result of staying up late at the night, preparing the food and marinating chicken. Actually, my head was messed up with things at the lab (I finished lab works at 7pm, but the results were crap again!!) and with that in mind I couldn't think straight. I over-cooked rice (I cook for 20 persons instead of 10) and I couldn't find 3 chickens cause it's already 10pm and most shops were out of stocks! I started to worry, and imagine what would happen with barbeque without chicken? And finally I could find it at the third shop (and they were the last stock that left, fuh!thank God!). So, I slept at 2pm after preparing all the foods. Consequently, we departed at 8am. That was the story. Really sorry to the 3 guys that woke up early and didn't have time to make up just to catch the time. Sorry sorry sorry :(

Along the way, I recovered my sleep to keep the stamina for climbing later. hehe.. We arrived at Gunung Ledang around 11am. We had to climb hundreds upon hundreds up stairs to get to the beautiful spot. If I'm not mistaken it took half an hour to reach the place (I don't really check the time because all I thought was when we could stop climbing!). With so many things to be brought along, I reckon we had lost thousands of calories.

We're sweating to death, yet I felt so fresh and I enjoyed it very much. The smells of nature and the sounds of jungle's creatures never fail to make me calm and peaceful. We stopped once at a hut to take a breath before continue the journey.

Then, we climbed again until we found second hut and we can't go higher anymore (cause already out of fuel). One of us checked up the higher spot which we could see more beautiful waterfall scenery but there's too many people there. So, we decided to stay where we were. Now the challenge was we have to go down the slope to get to the water. So we lined up along the slope and passed up the things that we brought. Problem solved! :)

The spot was quite strategic and private for having a barbeque. When we arrived, there was a couple but then we didn't even realize when they have gone, so the place was ours. Now, the task was to start the fire. It's quite challenging, we took quite a while to make the embers.

Then we started to grill the chicken. And I learned how to control the embers so that they won't produce fire. Initially, there's several moments where the fire's so big that it could burn out the chicken. However we managed to control it. From that I could learn a lesson, the fire can be similar to an anger. We can stop the fire as well as we can stop feeling angry to people when we know how to handle and control it. See, not just for having fun, this vacation can make us learn lots of things, if we use our precious brain to think wisely :)

After that, we filled up the lost energy, but unfortunately my fried rice that I prepared whole-heartedly last night had spoiled. At this moment I felt like I HATE YOU MICROBES! WHY YOU'RE EVER EXIST IN THIS WORLD!! But I can't blame them. They have to eat for live and without them I won't get my PhD. It's actually my own fault of wrong handling and storage. Therefore, all rice went to microbe's carbon source. I could imagine that they were having a real big family dinner tonight. Huh!

Then, we swam and played in the water. The water's sooo cooool! We're really having fun and it was all worth it to be sweating along the way up here! Enjoy the pictures :)

p/s: I love the nature, I love forest, I love trees and I love waterfall!

Having fun!

Again, I had given my boss another hope. And unfortunately, that was a fake one too. I didn't want to tell him until it was confirmed, really, but nothing seems can be hidden from him. He will know everything. Well, I hoped that the halo zones were produced by the active amylase too, but the chances of control producing the same halo zone is too high. Because I have been doing this work for months, and I can just predict from my experience. However, boss was too confident and the mountain-height-hope that was shown through his face make me too weak to refuse the result. And now, both disappointed! *sigh* :(

These were the halo zones. My bad, I didn't make the control. After this I'll remember forever, how important the control is, not only for the experiment but for not giving boss another hope again.

So, I worked on Saturday, repeated it with control as well as assay, and all I got was still crap. I think that I was getting used of obtaining negative results till I have no feeling anymore, sad or tense or whatever negative feeling is. And I'm not quite sure too, am I still normal being like this? Whatever it is, I want to relax this weekend and having a real rest, and reward myself. So, I bought 3 small fishes and keep them on my study desk. They're cute!

Gupy fish. They're colorful.

Then, I went to the Bridal Fair at Angsana with my housemates, Fizah and Bai, you know, girls night out. And there's runway show going on so we took the front seat! haha.. Actually that was my first time. What I can say is, the models must have a very high self esteem to show and pose in front of crowds and cameras (huh..what about me, during presentation. I think I should learn to build confidence from them).

From my angle.

After that, we headed to Bazaar JB. For almost 6 years I live in JB, that was my first time I came here. We really enjoyed ourself (with shopping off course). Got myself a dress, a shirt and a jacket. Love it! And also a flash light with presentation laser pointer (can't wait to use it for next presentation..hehe).

The best view of soap bubble I could capture. Bit challenging.

Then, we went back, sleep and the next morning, we're having girls day out too. We went to 2 places, JJ Bukit Indah and Tebrau City. Just having fun, hanging out, eating, shopping, and seeing people. At the end of the day, I couldn't feel my feet anymore. Blame the wedges!

Kenny Rogers for lunch. Yummy..

Bought myself an elegant accessory rack. Really love it!

And shoot in the toilet. Wondering why people doing this, so here we are..hee

p/s: Thanks Bai, Fizz and especially the driver, Yan. Thanks a lot. I'm having so much fun this weekend. And it make me miss the old good times with Anis :)