The gift

My first and only mail while I was in Melbourne; my birthday present! Received on the 12th of November 2011. It traveled 10496.09 miles (16891.36 km) down to Australia. It is the most valuable and meaningful gift I've ever got :)p/s: I've been wearing it day and night, so it will always close to my heart, as you a...

Paint a smile

The feeling strucks me again. It is uneasy. Like wanna throw up. The feeling of hating myself. I wrote it on a paper, crumpled it up and threw it away, hoping the feeling can go away.I am confused. Sometimes I am hesitate, am I doing the right thing? If it is, why am I keep feeling so bad? Why am I not getting it right from the beginning? Lord please give me strength. A bit strength to fight with myself. To endure this feeling and to love what I am doi...

Pause

It's November. How time flies, I feel like yesterday I was stepping my first step up in Australia land. Yeah, I know my latest post before this was on mid of September. And yeah I know that I was 'dead' for the last 2 and a half months. If you could recall, I did say that writing keeps me alive, so it means not writing makes me die. Yes, it's actually kind of true in some sort of ways. The lab keeps me busy and cause me flat all the time at home. The pressure is even dragging me out to the lab during the weekend. So, even though there were piles...

Blow the sadness away

I never give so much thought of me going places and seeing spectacular scenery like on the desktop wallpapers, posters and tv. Never dream of that though. Well, just couple of days ago I went to the most magnificent place that I have ever been in my life. It is called the Great Ocean Road, a 243 km stretch of road along the south-eastern coast of Australia. No words can describe how stunning the scenery, how beautiful the earth, and ultimately how great the Creator is. Throughout the drive, I saw a lot of things that I have never seen before and...

I really want to go home :(

Is it wrong to hate myself? Because that is what I've been feeling these days. I don't know whether that's a normal feeling. I hate myself for being so stupid, I feel like I don't know a thing. I'm asking too much, each works need to be guided, I work very slow, and always doing mistakes. I feel really dumb. Even I had been trained, I still can't remember to do it myself, I'm too dependent, and I hate being that kind of person. I'm stressed out in that lab, I have no friends, I don't know how to start a conversation, I don't know how to respond, I know nothing! I smile but crying inside....

Setting with the Sun

"Sun, please give me a ride for just 2 hours. I really want to see him."If only I could say it to the Su...

Shed the tears away, have a little faith.

Having faith in someone is hard. It may take years. But losing that faith is even harder. Cause I believe that years of knowing that someone is long enough for building invulnerable core of the trust. I know that my faith in someone is being tested. Yes, I do admit that initially I felt doubt, uncertain and like betrayed. And being far away from home, it just like makes thing worse. I felt so alone, like being ignored and like I wanna do reckless things. At this time, I felt so close to Allah. There's might be no one beside me, but I know that...

Same, old pain..

I really can't think of what should I do. Do I have to believe on what they say? Should I just ignore and pretend that I've never heard anything? But the pain is just hardly to be ignored. I really don't know what to do ...

collecting jar of words

Hey people. Its been a while right, how's it going? I wasn't feeling so well last week, so the driving force for writing in here was ZERO. And now, I feel like writing again, cause this is the only thing that keep me alive and wake me up from this long long sleep. Haven't written for these few days was long enough for making me feels like DEAD. Actually I can't believe it myself, probably because I never take writing blog very seriously. But after all, I might re-think that writing is actually something that instead of just for fun and maybe a way for keeping my friends up to date with what's...

The contrary

In Australia, I notice a lot of things that is wayyy different from my country:1. Drivers will responsibly stop their car if they see you want to cross at the zebra. So, apparently it's safe to cross the road without looking at the right and left and right again, as long as it's on a zebra cross ~ I will definitely have to change the habit after going back to Malaysia.2. People will greet you whenever you are making transaction with them (eg at the bank, cafe, stores, even the cashier will ask 'how're you doing today') ~ a little bit awkward at...

Nerve-wracking moment

We have been facing many first time moments in our lives and for me it is always a nerve-wracking moment though it is full of curiosity. And tomorrow, I'll be facing another first time moment in my life, but the feeling is totally different this time cause I'm facing it in a different country, with different culture and people. I'm a little bit afraid when thinking about working with people in here, can I cope with their way of working? And one thing that I'm most afraid of is can I understand what they are talking? Because from my experience for...

Australia

It's been a while since my last post in here. Lots of things came up for the last few weeks. My life have been so hassle and everything just happened so quickly. And now, I can't even believe myself that at this moment, as I write this, I'm here in Australia! I feel like I'm dreaming. What? Aussie? Am I really here? yeah.. I'm here..So, what had happened last week, I got a phone call telling that the 16th airplane ticket was sold out. We have only 2 choices, whether to board earlier which on 12th or later which on 25th. Then my supervisor encouraged me to go on the 12th. What? I was told on 7th...

The list

Finally the date is set. I feel relieve on one side, yet on the other side I literally feel that I'm not quite ready for this. Scared, worried, happy, sad, excited, I can't describe my feeling right now, it's all mixed up causing this pressure build up in my head. So many things to do on this restricted period of time, and I hope that I can stand the pressure till the time comes. But one thing that keeps disturbing me, causing me feel uneasy all this while; will I survive in that environment which is far more challenging? Can I give them the best...

Towards a dream!

As I write this, I'm laying on my bed listening to Delta Goodrem's songs blast at me through the headphone. What a lazy day, I call it no-purpose day, as for example, today I go to Jusco with my house mates looking for anything to buy. So, apparently, we walk and walk until we find something to buy. Then we end up at the shoes compartment and guess what, we're all buying the same sandals, only different in colors. And then, my room mate (k.tim) suggests, "lets make it a present to ourselves." Just so you know the mall offering free wrapping service,...

Unconditional love

They say, a mother's love is the greatest, beyond any comparison. It is unconditional and forever. I learn that while I grow up, but I have never really contemplated how great my mother's love to me until last week. For the first time in my life, I realized that if that kind of love doesn't ever exist in this world, there's no way I could stand where I am today.The school holiday has just begun, so I took the chance to go back home again, although I just went home on two weeks before. The desire to meet my family this time was driving me mad actually....

Broken heart

It hurts so much. So much that I want to hurt myself with the broken glass. Why you're so mean to me. I have done everything, and I just don't get what else you actually want from me? All this while we are together, am I being bad to you? You break my heart to the pieces that are impossible to be picked up again. And all that left with me is a very little hope that one day you will love me back. Is it possible? You know how bad I need you cause I just couldn't live without you. Without you I won't graduate. My love amylase, I never missed our dates...

Moments at home..

That nervous moment when I left the unfinished works, bought airplane tickets, packed and went home....and finally realizing that that's actually the very best decision on that tensed week.That wonderful moment when I can wake up and sleep whenever I want without feeling guilty....and really enjoying this moment to the fullest.That refreshing moment when waking up in the morning with the harmonious sounds of crowing roosters and showering with the ice-cold water from the hill....and enjoying this moment too because I can never find it anywhere...

The moment

You are so sweet in your own way. It's a beautiful moment that I've been waiting for. I can feel your presence although you're not here. But like I said, you're not in front of me but you're in me. I just can't describe this feeling, cause I've never felt it before. But deep inside, I'm grateful that I met you. Thanks ♥p/s: 02052...

Gratifying

You know it's nothing newBad news never had good timingThen the circle of your friendsWill defend the silver lining - John Mayer -In life, laughing is equally important as finishing the pile of works. Indeed spending some time to relax and having fun with some friends can be the best remedy for stress. It's been a while, because everybody was busy so we didn't have time to leave the lab for a while and hang out like we used to (like playing rounders, badminton and barbecue at waterfall etc). Plus my head was overloaded with those craps, the ruined...

Demeanour

Humans are very unique creature. They might be looked physically same, but internally their feelings, behavior and thoughts are very dissimilar. We were raised in different ways, so sometimes the right for them isn't right for us. We were taught by our parents to do this and that, and not to do this and that. We were raised in those small community called a family and we were so comfortable with the culture created in it. However, as we grow up, we meet various kind of people and we socialize. At first, they seem mostly alike us, we have the same...

Loser like me

'Yeah, you may think that I'm a zero..but hey, everyone you wanna be probably started off like me'Yesterday I had my PhD evaluation. It was suck. Suck like REALLY suck. I was like being shot and shot again, and finally slaughtered to death. Ok..that's too much. Anyway, ever since in my academic life, I had never been mentally tortured like that. I screwed up everything by not being able to answer the most simplest thing, the backbone of protein! I was totally blanked, like I never heard of it before. Then slowly I started to feel really really...

I hate pills

When you start feeling the world is spinning and you walk like a drunker cause you can't feel your feet touching the floor, when your stomach makes funny noise like a growling sound but your tongue just can't accept any incoming food as it tastes them all bitter, and spending most of your time in a blanket seems like the only way could lead you to the heaven, then only you will be grateful for your health. Yesterday, I was tested. I had a strong fever which I haven't had for quite a long time. And been sick like that, I would just miss my mom so...

Just cry...

I was called to write about this. A friend had lost someone special in her life. Her bf called their relationship off. She told me quite a long time ago, but maybe because she didn't even drop a single tears back then, I was thinking that she was strong. And today, I don't know what drives me, I read her blog, and suddenly I can feel the hidden message inside her words, that actually she isn't that strong to face it all alone. I'm not good in pleasing people, nor giving advice, nor comforting cause I'm not good in words. But I hope this can help...

The shortest March

One thing about me that annoys myself too, I 'LOVE' doing things at last minute. And the consequence is I have to stay awake all night, maybe get sleep for 2 to 3 hours only, and wake up with the big dark circles around my eyes. Actually, I didn't have even a seconds to check that dark circles up, I just realized it last night when I wore hijab to go out to my supervisor's house. I was a little bit shocked, and tried to cover it with some foundation so that it didn't seem too obvious I wrote the proposal all night. Hope my supervisor didn't notice...

The call

Have you ever experienced this; your phone's ringing when you are watching a night movie in the cinema, and your eyes are automatically wide opened when seeing the name on the screen, it's your boss! If never, then I know that I can't find any other bosses in this world as workaholic as my boss (a.k.a my supervisor). Learning from senior's experience, I knew that I MUST answer his call no matter what without making him realize that the background noise was coming from the movie. I didn't want to miss any seconds of the scene but if I didn't pick...

Marry me?

It’s a beautiful night,We’re looking for something dumb to do.Hey baby,I think I wanna marry you.Is it the look in your eyes,Or is it this dancing juice?Who cares babyI think I wanna marry you.Well I know this little chapel on the boulevard we can go,No one will know,Come on girl.Who cares if we’re trashed got a pocket full of cash we can blow,Shots of patron,And it’s on girl.Don’t say no, no, no, no-no;Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah;And we’ll go, go, go, go-go.If you’re ready, like I’m ready.I’ll go get a ring let the choir bells sing like oooh,So whatcha wanna do?Let’s just run girl.If...

Remorse

These days, I lost in my own world. I can't find my way back, and keep wandering alone in the empty, dark spaces, trying so hard to find the lights, but literally I am deeper, farther from the way out. I don't know what's wrong with me, seems that I am fighting with myself. I want to scream my heart out but my mouth seems glued. This feeling is totally different. I'm surrounded by people that I love but I can't feel our hearts are really connected. And finally it triggers this explosion.How I wish I can go back in time and change it. This remorse...

Tick tock

The moment will come in no time, and I feel nervous, wonder and kinda afraid when thinking of it. I have got too many things to do. Too much that finally I think that I wanna quit, do nothing and just let the time bring me to that day. The harder I chase those tons of works, the more mistakes I did and more hearts was hurt. In this situation, I realize how precious time is and 9 hours of working is now seems absurd. Right now, my mind is crowded with all the theories and strategies that come out of nowhere. It's so true that at moment of desperation,...

Waterfall barbeque

Yesterday, me and my lab mates went to waterfall at Gunung Ledang. We were having barbeque and playing and 'course shooting. That was fun! As an organizer (yeah, me, organizer), I felt super tired but I experienced great satisfaction cause after it had been planned for months ago, it's finally happened. Actually we're planning to have beach barbeque party but since we had have barbeque at Desaru last year, plus they said the sea water is muddy during this season, so finally we decided to have barbeque in the jungle beside the waterfall. Yet, there's...

Having fun!

Again, I had given my boss another hope. And unfortunately, that was a fake one too. I didn't want to tell him until it was confirmed, really, but nothing seems can be hidden from him. He will know everything. Well, I hoped that the halo zones were produced by the active amylase too, but the chances of control producing the same halo zone is too high. Because I have been doing this work for months, and I can just predict from my experience. However, boss was too confident and the mountain-height-hope that was shown through his face make me too...