Just cry...

I was called to write about this. A friend had lost someone special in her life. Her bf called their relationship off. She told me quite a long time ago, but maybe because she didn't even drop a single tears back then, I was thinking that she was strong. And today, I don't know what drives me, I read her blog, and suddenly I can feel the hidden message inside her words, that actually she isn't that strong to face it all alone. I'm not good in pleasing people, nor giving advice, nor comforting cause I'm not good in words. But I hope this can help (if you read this, sis).

Love can be the sweetest thing, yet it can be the worse nightmare. It is never a bed of roses and there will certainly be times when we get hurt and experience unbearable pain. I had experienced the worse part of love, and at the same time when I kept it to myself, it ate me from deep within. I cried all night long and felt that life was never been so hard. Then slowly I realized that grieving couldn't ever change anything cause it had happened. How much tears I cried, I can never go back in time where it happened, pause and skip the sad scene. So I kept reminding myself that it was just a phase in my life that I have to hurdle to make myself a better and stronger person. As they said, everything's happened for reason. Allah knows what best for me. Maybe wanted us to learn from mistakes and be a better person. And now, I realize that it is true.

Whenever you feel like crying dear, do not hold back. Just cry and let all your pain flow out with your tears. Only then can you start picking up your broken self and start again. Remember that you still have people that love you, family and us, your friends if you need a shoulder to cry on. Don't keep it to yourself cause friends are meant to be burdened with our problem. Who else to be bothered besides friends? If you feel alone, remember that God loves you and He misses your prayers, kneel to Him cause He misses that. Bear in mind that you will survive this hardest phase of your life. But do not force yourself to move in just too quickly. Give yourself time, allow yourself to grieve, and every time you feel like crying, just cry.

p/s: Just cry. No person has ever drowned in his own tears.

The shortest March

One thing about me that annoys myself too, I 'LOVE' doing things at last minute. And the consequence is I have to stay awake all night, maybe get sleep for 2 to 3 hours only, and wake up with the big dark circles around my eyes. Actually, I didn't have even a seconds to check that dark circles up, I just realized it last night when I wore hijab to go out to my supervisor's house. I was a little bit shocked, and tried to cover it with some foundation so that it didn't seem too obvious I wrote the proposal all night. Hope my supervisor didn't notice that. Oh, you might wonder, meet supervisor at night? Yeah, you are not mistaken. It was 11 pm and he's only available at that time. He's just coming back from Perak and the next morning he'll depart to Bangkok. So, we sat for that valuable 2 hours discussing about my proposal. Then I was like thinking, doesn't he know what 'tired' means? Because I couldn't feel my feet anymore after doing the proposal straight from Friday to Saturday but it just only 2 days.

The proposal is for my PhD evaluation. And if I didn't do it my best, there's a chance that I might be downgraded to master. Who wants that? A big NO! The actual date for the proposal submission is on 25th but I have to submit earlier because my flight will be on 2nd of April. 2nd of April is too soon. I have too many unsettled things here. With the evaluation, the advance allowance, visa and 'course I want to spend some time with my family before going and never come back for 6 months (plus celebrate raya there). I feel this is the shortest month in my life. I couldn't even remember the passed days of March and finally there are only few days left to the end of it.

I can say that last week was the toughest for me. Emotionally unstable, with a rush to catch as much as lab works as possible that can be done here and unfortunately, the lab didn't cooperate with me. Maybe he wants me to stay longer or he don't want me to go. If I can talk to him, I'll kneel and beg. Then, I have to confront the so unprofessional staff at the Research Management Centre. Huh.. They never failed to piss me off! Not only me, but anyone who deals with them will say the same. Don't you have a heart to let people down when you're talking like that? Do you feel so satisfy to see people angry with you? What's wrong with giving a smile and try to simplify other people's work rather than talking impolitely and if possible to put all the blame on us? Aren't you realized that you're working at customer service where you need to entertain the customer? Do you know that I feel like crying after seeing you. That shows how good you are in making people sad and feel humiliated. Actually, I really don't want to waste my time thinking about people like that. There are many other important things to think of. And I promise that one day I'll report to the vice chancellor and I'll cheer louder than other people if you get fired. haha..

p/s: I really hope that April 2 is not the date.

The call

Have you ever experienced this; your phone's ringing when you are watching a night movie in the cinema, and your eyes are automatically wide opened when seeing the name on the screen, it's your boss! If never, then I know that I can't find any other bosses in this world as workaholic as my boss (a.k.a my supervisor). Learning from senior's experience, I knew that I MUST answer his call no matter what without making him realize that the background noise was coming from the movie. I didn't want to miss any seconds of the scene but if I didn't pick up, he will surely call my friend, which was sitting beside me and obviously she was giving me such a face like 'go out! answer that or he'll call me instead!' I've got no choice than went out of the hall and call him back. The moment I heard his tense voice, I relieved that I have made the right decision to call him back. Then the rest was bla bla bla..you should do this..you must remember that..bla bla bla..

My supervisor is a super duper busy young professor (and a lecturer and a dean too!) with tons of research projects under his management. His days packed with meetings and management works as a dean, but it will never be ended if he don't step himself in his lab, our lab. His days will only be flawless if he can spend some times with his postgrad students because research means everything to him (I think..hehe). Therefore, if he couldn't make it to go to the lab, or his mind was too crowded with faculty issues, the above situation will happen. When he starts to remember something (normally relating to research) at home, he'll call us whenever he wants so that he won't forget it later without considering to not calling the girl at night, or thinking what are we doing at that time. However, we're the most kind and understanding students, so we never reject his phone call even though we're still in bed (that case always happens on weekend).

This often happened to, instead not the groceries. LOL. :D

p/s: lots of things in mind. Lots of unsure things make me hard to make decisions. The last decision before that day comes. But actually its nothing compared to my supervisor's.

Marry me?

It’s a beautiful night,
We’re looking for something dumb to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares baby
I think I wanna marry you.

Well I know this little chapel on the boulevard we can go,
No one will know,
Come on girl.
Who cares if we’re trashed got a pocket full of cash we can blow,
Shots of patron,
And it’s on girl.

Don’t say no, no, no, no-no;
Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah;
And we’ll go, go, go, go-go.
If you’re ready, like I’m ready.

I’ll go get a ring let the choir bells sing like oooh,
So whatcha wanna do?
Let’s just run girl.
If we wake up and you wanna break up that’s cool.
No, I won’t blame you;
It was fun girl.

Just say I do,
Tell me right now baby,
Tell me right now baby.

How sweet of you :)

p/s: everything's went back to normal. Alhamdulillah..

Remorse

These days, I lost in my own world. I can't find my way back, and keep wandering alone in the empty, dark spaces, trying so hard to find the lights, but literally I am deeper, farther from the way out. I don't know what's wrong with me, seems that I am fighting with myself. I want to scream my heart out but my mouth seems glued. This feeling is totally different. I'm surrounded by people that I love but I can't feel our hearts are really connected. And finally it triggers this explosion.

How I wish I can go back in time and change it. This remorse is killing me. Everytime I think of it, I feel like a blade slides into every inch of my flesh. I shouldn't have said that. I should have investigated before jumping into conclusion. Now, it's far too late and nothing can be done to make it right. All I could think to comfort myself is, be patient and it will all get better in time.

Now, I understand the meaning of sacrifice. How hard it is on me, it's harder to see someone's hurt because of me.

p/s: You used to tell me that, but I didn't believe it until today. Thank you for being my crying shoulder. I can't be more grateful than having someone like you.

Tick tock

The moment will come in no time, and I feel nervous, wonder and kinda afraid when thinking of it. I have got too many things to do. Too much that finally I think that I wanna quit, do nothing and just let the time bring me to that day. The harder I chase those tons of works, the more mistakes I did and more hearts was hurt. In this situation, I realize how precious time is and 9 hours of working is now seems absurd. Right now, my mind is crowded with all the theories and strategies that come out of nowhere. It's so true that at moment of desperation, the idea will just come without me asking them to. But why come now, this late? I haven't got enough time to make action, even to think of it. How I wish that they appeared earlier and by now I can be smiling while waiting the day to come.

p/s: I feel isolated. Far from my family, even my friends. I feel empty, lonely. Is this just an illusion?

Waterfall barbeque

Yesterday, me and my lab mates went to waterfall at Gunung Ledang. We were having barbeque and playing and 'course shooting. That was fun! As an organizer (yeah, me, organizer), I felt super tired but I experienced great satisfaction cause after it had been planned for months ago, it's finally happened. Actually we're planning to have beach barbeque party but since we had have barbeque at Desaru last year, plus they said the sea water is muddy during this season, so finally we decided to have barbeque in the jungle beside the waterfall. Yet, there's still off course some complications. Like some which at first was very excited to go, but suddenly decided not to join for no reason, some didn't get permission from husband and some has to cancel at last minute. So, out of 13, only 10 persons could join the barbeque. It's ok K.Aizi and K.Atul, next time we'll arrange another vacation, more fascinating event, InsyaAllah :)

So, I decided that we began our journey as early as 7 in the morning. However, I'm so sorry guys that I couldn't get up early that morning as the result of staying up late at the night, preparing the food and marinating chicken. Actually, my head was messed up with things at the lab (I finished lab works at 7pm, but the results were crap again!!) and with that in mind I couldn't think straight. I over-cooked rice (I cook for 20 persons instead of 10) and I couldn't find 3 chickens cause it's already 10pm and most shops were out of stocks! I started to worry, and imagine what would happen with barbeque without chicken? And finally I could find it at the third shop (and they were the last stock that left, fuh!thank God!). So, I slept at 2pm after preparing all the foods. Consequently, we departed at 8am. That was the story. Really sorry to the 3 guys that woke up early and didn't have time to make up just to catch the time. Sorry sorry sorry :(

Along the way, I recovered my sleep to keep the stamina for climbing later. hehe.. We arrived at Gunung Ledang around 11am. We had to climb hundreds upon hundreds up stairs to get to the beautiful spot. If I'm not mistaken it took half an hour to reach the place (I don't really check the time because all I thought was when we could stop climbing!). With so many things to be brought along, I reckon we had lost thousands of calories.

We're sweating to death, yet I felt so fresh and I enjoyed it very much. The smells of nature and the sounds of jungle's creatures never fail to make me calm and peaceful. We stopped once at a hut to take a breath before continue the journey.

Then, we climbed again until we found second hut and we can't go higher anymore (cause already out of fuel). One of us checked up the higher spot which we could see more beautiful waterfall scenery but there's too many people there. So, we decided to stay where we were. Now the challenge was we have to go down the slope to get to the water. So we lined up along the slope and passed up the things that we brought. Problem solved! :)

The spot was quite strategic and private for having a barbeque. When we arrived, there was a couple but then we didn't even realize when they have gone, so the place was ours. Now, the task was to start the fire. It's quite challenging, we took quite a while to make the embers.

Then we started to grill the chicken. And I learned how to control the embers so that they won't produce fire. Initially, there's several moments where the fire's so big that it could burn out the chicken. However we managed to control it. From that I could learn a lesson, the fire can be similar to an anger. We can stop the fire as well as we can stop feeling angry to people when we know how to handle and control it. See, not just for having fun, this vacation can make us learn lots of things, if we use our precious brain to think wisely :)

After that, we filled up the lost energy, but unfortunately my fried rice that I prepared whole-heartedly last night had spoiled. At this moment I felt like I HATE YOU MICROBES! WHY YOU'RE EVER EXIST IN THIS WORLD!! But I can't blame them. They have to eat for live and without them I won't get my PhD. It's actually my own fault of wrong handling and storage. Therefore, all rice went to microbe's carbon source. I could imagine that they were having a real big family dinner tonight. Huh!

Then, we swam and played in the water. The water's sooo cooool! We're really having fun and it was all worth it to be sweating along the way up here! Enjoy the pictures :)

p/s: I love the nature, I love forest, I love trees and I love waterfall!