Fear

She’s been doing a lot of thinking these days. Drown in her own river of thoughts that sometimes she lost her breath, suffocated. And that’s when she hardly had any sleep.  It has been approaching a year, unbelievably. She has lost her sense of hope since that day. She has promised herself that she would stop expecting too high on people. But being herself, it isn't easy. She trusts people easily, loves people too easily, that’s in her gene. So when she did, she didn't realized that she started to expect more and more. Till it cut right on...

Sweet September

They say good things take time, but great things happen in a blink of an eye. Alhamdulillah. September is being so nice to me. I always love September. Despite it is the month of my birth day, lots of good things happen too.  I know some people won't believe me if I say that I'm quite a daydreamer. Yes.. I really am. So, on the day that my lab mates bought me a cake, I was actually had an imagination beforehand, that I would be the happiest person on Earth if they bought me a cake when we were having raya dinner at Kak Shal's place. But I...

The bosom buddies

I feel lucky to have a circle of people who always be so kind and sweet to me. They are the reasons I smile. The reasons for me to get on with life when I'm at the very deep bottom. The reasons for me to keep walking in this difficult path of my life because I know they are always there behind me. The reasons I treasure friendship more than ever. p/s: They got me a birthday cake! Thanks guys. It did surprise me, I didn't expect it to come really. That was really sweet of you guys and I couldn't stop smiling :) (credit picture to k...

25

What I love about birthday: 1. Mother's prayer is the first thing I love to hear. 2. Waiting for who is gonna be the first person wishing me 'Happy Birthday'. 3. People wishes and prayers really make my day. It shows that lots of people care for you isn't it? 4. When I don't allow Facebook to remind my friends when my birthday is, there are still few friends wish 'Happy Birthday'. That's really sweet. It reminds me that when someone really care for you, they don't need anything to remind them. 5. Birthday never just an ordinary day. Even how much...

My personal brand of heroins

One, that guilty pleasure is now truthful, which once I'm afraid that it will really happen. It is like my personal brand of heroin now. Enough to make me restless if I don't have it for a day, yet painful if I have it too much. Two, pleasure that kills. Bonding with stray cats. Cats always make my day. I love to give them food. But when they're gone, or I couldn't feed them, I'm so sad that I could cry a river. I had a cat once. The first day I saw her, she was dirty. She was wandering along my lab's corridor. She is so pretty and manja so we...

Treasure

There were a few times that I opened up the new post page, stare at it for a few seconds and then closed it because I decided that the thing I had in mind at that time was too personal to be written in the blog. Because I always forget things and I would like myself to one day remember that moment, so I wrote them in my private diary. It's just like I am getting ready for an Alzheimer. But off course I wouldn't want that. It's just that I'm afraid of not remembering those memories so better lock it in a diary or something. I'm working on a photo...

Sueño - la secuela

I had found the dress I loved. But I decided not to rush things. Only then the next day I found that it was gone to someone else's hand. The only things left were the old-fashioned dresses. I regretted that. I should have quick and firm in making decision and believe in my own choice. It was supposed to be a big day. But I was in denial. I didn't want to be at that place, do that thing. It's just that I have to, with no reasons I can remember of. I wanted to cry, but nobody seemed to care about my feeling. It was used to be my biggest hope not so long time ago, but now no more. It has now became...

My bucket list

I am 25 this year and I haven't made a bucket list. So, here we go. My bucket list: 1. Learn to play an instrument. I would love piano. 2. Master a new language besides English and Malay, visit the country and talk to the native speaker. 3. Get married and go honeymoon to one of the most beautiful island in the world. 4. Open a shelter for stray cats. 5. Get a PhD. 6. Buy a house with a mini library and huge wardrobe. 7. Perform Hajj and visit the land of the prophets. 8. Take my parents for Hajj. 9. Travel the world. 10. Take dancing lesson. 11....

Ignite

I never thought it would be that hard. You, me and that little space. I was trembling yet my body was heating. I tried so hard to act and breath normally despite those feelings, but you are always cool in your way. You know how to neutralize the situation, making me comfortable. Then I woke up, still shaking and a bit lost. I wonder how much my blood was pumped as seconds go. I hope it was just a dream. Obviously something is wrong with ...

Morning thought

Yesterday, in our weekly lab talk, one of our friends started her presentation with a verse in the Qur'an which as far as I was in the lab, none of us have ever done that before. It's in Surah Yaasin: All-Glorified is He (in that He is absolutely exalted above having any peer or partner), Who has created the pairs all together out of what the earth produces, as well as out of themselves, and out of what they do not know. (36: 36). This is a common verse, I heard about this several times before but what crossed in my mind when I heard/read this...

A lonely girl

I’m a person with few friends. It’s not that I hate making friends, but I’m definitely not the one that will start a conversation with strangers. Actually I’d like to but every time I intend to, I can feel my cells expressing adrenaline; I feel nervous, dizzy and that sort of things. I’m not sure if that is normal because if it’s not, I’m definitely an abnormal person. So I would rather forget it and stay quiet. I also don’t like to hang out with a group of people because I don’t know how to interrupt a conversation. So I will be the one who...

Unspeakable

This indescribable sense I have been feeling these days.. It is such a nuisance, yet very consoling, Cozy.. Sometimes it felt so guilty feeling this way, But there's something about it that makes me feel so contented, Like a guilty pleasure, can I say that? It even emerges in my dreams, Yet I hate this feeling, I hope it can get away from me.....

Sweet escape

It has been a week. But I can still smell the sea, I can still feel the wind breeze against my cheek, I can still hear the harmonious sound of the waves. I miss lying on the spread of fine white sands, looking at the billion of stars above, feeling utterly amazed how wide the world is, and how small is me. Those images are still playing in my head as if it just happened yesterday. Langkawi. A great place I can say. We had a great 'sweet escape'. It was ten of us, me and my lab mates. As it named, we totally escaped everything related to the lab....

Spark

From the chocolate recovery guide (Nina Miller), I found these words are undoubted and accurate: 'Unfortunately, men often have trouble expressing their feelings-so don't expect an enlightening explanation  even though you deserve one!' 'Remember, he's a caveman. Sometimes men just need space and time to themselves. The go into their caves when they are troubled and emerge refreshed. After a time out, a man may want back in.' 'The body is made to heal-from broken nails to broken hearts. But keep in mind that it is a process...

Michael Crichton's Micro

So I just finished reading a novel, Micro by Michael Crichton (completed by Richard Preston because Crichton passed away in 2008). And what I feel recently, I want to live in the micro world once, if I ever have a chance, or if the tensor technology of shrinking things really do exist. Micro tells a story of a group of six PhD students who had been invited by a company, Nanigen that doing research for searching new potential drugs. But then they discovered the dark side of the company, so they have been shrunk to the size of an inch using the tensor...

Choc bath

Found this in one of my boxes, a free gift from a bookstore in Australia. Back then I didn't bother cause I didn't even need this, so I gave this to my friend. And now here I am, reading this and had a refreshing chocolate bubble bath afterward in a candle-lighted shower. I love the words in that cute recovery guide, they're so wise...

Essence of happiness

Today's essence of happiness ...

Night's vacation

I usually had a dreamless sleep especially at home, and here when the lab works won't allow me to sit even a minute. But sometimes my mind could sail  to many strange places when the rest of my body rests. These are how dreams sometimes seemed to me. My dreams can be very bizarre. I was at a very peculiar place with my friends. The place was somewhat creepy and the scene would be dark and gloomy like those in a vampire movie. And it would involve a creepy old building or toilets. I actually dreamed like this several nights. This...

Reverse the clock

I just had a nice catching up session with my high school roommate. But I guess it turned out to be a girl-to-girl talk. It's been years, so my secret was, well broken. I didn't really have an attention to tell her but she led me to that way. I really can't help myself. hehe.. I have really really bad memory. I always forget things like what I used to talk about when I'm with my girlfriends, what I used to do with them and so on. So as I chat with my roommate, she reminded me a lot of stuffs which have never been popped out of my mind all...

Epiphany

I think yesterday was the most productive day in my entire life. Started after the sunset, I've sort of had an epiphany. My spirit was like being lifted up and ideas were coming like a water flow, I had no idea where those were coming from. This moment is really hard to come, so I would never waste a second. So, I was so motivated to continue writing my first paper. That productive state actually wasn't stopped when I woke up in the morning. I have no idea where's in my body cells those energies were stored. So I have been working like...

Nuisance

Human always forget the ocean-wide gifts that Allah has showered upon them. A dust-tiny test can make them surrender. Astaghfirullah. God, please forgive me. I woke up to a sad dream this morning. It was really disturbing I can still feel the sadness around. Then, as routine I went to the lab to find out that the electricity went off last night. My column!! For your record, I have been running a HPLC since 7 days ago. So when the power suddenly gone, the machine was shut down and it might damage the column. And I don't know what came over me, perhaps the dream, I was feeling so down. And that...

Small dots

So there was one day, me, Fizah and Kak Tim have been wondering about why our supervisor has always wanted us to go early to the lab and indeed he could turn to be a monster if he doesn't see his student by 8.30am. Kak Tim came out with her theory of the early birds, the early birds got to catch more worms. But somehow, whenever we relate it to the real situation, we found a dead end. Like students that arrive at the lab at 10am, they still graduate and get the scroll. Birds that go out at 10am still get the worms. Then, this sort of 'discussion'...

Delusion

I dreamed last night. It was my wedding, But the groom did not show up. Off course he won...

A dandelion seed

Yesterday I have been asked a question which I haven't heard for quite a while; 'what is your ambition Hasmaliana?'. And by ambition it means what I want to be after graduate. I was like, gosh! I  never thought someone would ask me this question again at my age. I'm quite surprised and a bit disappointed with myself, cause I actually find that it is hard to answer that question. I don't even know what I want to do after grad school. Sometimes I imagine myself as a lecturer, being in the lecture theater and having my own lab conducting...

Bittersweet

The sky was clear today. As clear as my mind. I couldn't remember, when was the last time that this feeling struck me. Or maybe I never felt like this before, I'm not sure of it too. But the feeling is very soothing, and I didn't realized that suddenly I smiled for no reason.  I am a person who is good at recovering from a sudden emotional disturbance. I love that part of me. Even I will become more productive when I'm stress. So I have been thinking a lot recently. I was trying to find the reason of everything that happened. And I feel...