Loser like me

'Yeah, you may think that I'm a zero..but hey, everyone you wanna be probably started off like me'

Yesterday I had my PhD evaluation. It was suck. Suck like REALLY suck. I was like being shot and shot again, and finally slaughtered to death. Ok..that's too much. Anyway, ever since in my academic life, I had never been mentally tortured like that. I screwed up everything by not being able to answer the most simplest thing, the backbone of protein! I was totally blanked, like I never heard of it before. Then slowly I started to feel really really down and my self esteem drastically fell to its lowest level. If not because of I'm so good in bottling up my feeling, I would have cried in the presentation room, in front of the examiners. I felt like why I'm so stupid, that is the most fundamental knowledge that I should know. Then, when I was outside waiting for the examiners to discuss and come up with their decision whether to pass or fail me, the only thing in my mind was I'm ready to accept the fact that I don't deserve to study at the PhD level. My fundamental knowledge is too fragile. But then, I was a little bit shocked when the chairman said that I passed the evaluation and I can continue studying PhD. I bet that I didn't give the right facial expression when he said congratulations. I should have smiled, but probably because I was too ready to face the truth if I failed, so I just gave the expressionless face. And I think the chairman was giving quite a weird look to me.

But still I feel like I don't really deserve it. After a day, I still don't feel happy but the opposite. All this while, I just take for granted the chance of skipping the master studies. I don't study much, as much as a PhD student should have. I don't really organize my work and my time as a PhD student should. Now, I realize that I'm too comfort in my zone. What I can do is to go out of the zone and exploring the world. There is one quote that I love very much, and quite reflecting my situation right now, 'Yeah, you may think that I'm a zero..but hey, everyone you wanna be probably started off like me'. It's some part of lyric from Loser Like Me by Glee. At first I heard it, it really knocked me. I kept replaying the song again and again and it really hits me. The song is like consoling me and lifting up my spirit again, like come on, wake up. Everyone started off like you, from zero. So why bother, just wake up and live again and make yourself better. Yeah, I'll surely go for it!

I melt when he sings.

p/s: Grateful for being given another chance. Alhamdulillah.

I hate pills

When you start feeling the world is spinning and you walk like a drunker cause you can't feel your feet touching the floor, when your stomach makes funny noise like a growling sound but your tongue just can't accept any incoming food as it tastes them all bitter, and spending most of your time in a blanket seems like the only way could lead you to the heaven, then only you will be grateful for your health. Yesterday, I was tested. I had a strong fever which I haven't had for quite a long time. And been sick like that, I would just miss my mom so much. I felt like crying when I have to fight this sickness alone without having mom beside whose will always checking on my temperature and dab wet towel on my forehead. But then, it was just the miracle of mom's instinct, she called me. She might have some feeling that I was not feeling well. And yes, talking with her was always the best remedy (at least internally cured).

I hate pills. If you know me well you'll notice that. So I slept at least 15 hours, and skipped dinner (before that I just ate a plate of breakfast) hoping that my antibody would be strong enough to fight those bad bacteria or viruses. Plus the fact that our body will recover faster if we don't eat when sick because all our body's energy will go focusing on immune system to fight the antigens, so I thought I'll recover as soon as I woke up tomorrow morning (still refusing on taking pills). Unfortunately, I still felt the world was spinning though my temperature has reduced. There's no way I can go to the lab like this or else I would end up breaking the shake flasks. Thus, I have to now surrender to the drugs to continue the fighting. And for an "anti-pills person" like me, just one tablet of paracetamol plus some more sleep can be the most powerful grenade to win the battle.

I hate pills for reasons, first you know drugs are the number 1 killer of human. Second, my body is exposed long enough (8 hours a day, tell me is it long or short) with hazardous chemicals in the lab till I can't feel like they're toxic anymore because every day I play like "masak masak" with all those poisons and third, yeah, they comes in colorful and attractive shapes but off course none of them taste like strawberry. That's why I'm avoiding pills, unless for certain cases (in this case, I have the first stage evaluation for PhD this Thursday, so I need help from Mr Pills).

Pills, although you come in pink, you'll still be my nightmare..

p/s: appreciation comes only after the gift was taken back..alhamdulillah..

Just cry...

I was called to write about this. A friend had lost someone special in her life. Her bf called their relationship off. She told me quite a long time ago, but maybe because she didn't even drop a single tears back then, I was thinking that she was strong. And today, I don't know what drives me, I read her blog, and suddenly I can feel the hidden message inside her words, that actually she isn't that strong to face it all alone. I'm not good in pleasing people, nor giving advice, nor comforting cause I'm not good in words. But I hope this can help (if you read this, sis).

Love can be the sweetest thing, yet it can be the worse nightmare. It is never a bed of roses and there will certainly be times when we get hurt and experience unbearable pain. I had experienced the worse part of love, and at the same time when I kept it to myself, it ate me from deep within. I cried all night long and felt that life was never been so hard. Then slowly I realized that grieving couldn't ever change anything cause it had happened. How much tears I cried, I can never go back in time where it happened, pause and skip the sad scene. So I kept reminding myself that it was just a phase in my life that I have to hurdle to make myself a better and stronger person. As they said, everything's happened for reason. Allah knows what best for me. Maybe wanted us to learn from mistakes and be a better person. And now, I realize that it is true.

Whenever you feel like crying dear, do not hold back. Just cry and let all your pain flow out with your tears. Only then can you start picking up your broken self and start again. Remember that you still have people that love you, family and us, your friends if you need a shoulder to cry on. Don't keep it to yourself cause friends are meant to be burdened with our problem. Who else to be bothered besides friends? If you feel alone, remember that God loves you and He misses your prayers, kneel to Him cause He misses that. Bear in mind that you will survive this hardest phase of your life. But do not force yourself to move in just too quickly. Give yourself time, allow yourself to grieve, and every time you feel like crying, just cry.

p/s: Just cry. No person has ever drowned in his own tears.

The shortest March

One thing about me that annoys myself too, I 'LOVE' doing things at last minute. And the consequence is I have to stay awake all night, maybe get sleep for 2 to 3 hours only, and wake up with the big dark circles around my eyes. Actually, I didn't have even a seconds to check that dark circles up, I just realized it last night when I wore hijab to go out to my supervisor's house. I was a little bit shocked, and tried to cover it with some foundation so that it didn't seem too obvious I wrote the proposal all night. Hope my supervisor didn't notice that. Oh, you might wonder, meet supervisor at night? Yeah, you are not mistaken. It was 11 pm and he's only available at that time. He's just coming back from Perak and the next morning he'll depart to Bangkok. So, we sat for that valuable 2 hours discussing about my proposal. Then I was like thinking, doesn't he know what 'tired' means? Because I couldn't feel my feet anymore after doing the proposal straight from Friday to Saturday but it just only 2 days.

The proposal is for my PhD evaluation. And if I didn't do it my best, there's a chance that I might be downgraded to master. Who wants that? A big NO! The actual date for the proposal submission is on 25th but I have to submit earlier because my flight will be on 2nd of April. 2nd of April is too soon. I have too many unsettled things here. With the evaluation, the advance allowance, visa and 'course I want to spend some time with my family before going and never come back for 6 months (plus celebrate raya there). I feel this is the shortest month in my life. I couldn't even remember the passed days of March and finally there are only few days left to the end of it.

I can say that last week was the toughest for me. Emotionally unstable, with a rush to catch as much as lab works as possible that can be done here and unfortunately, the lab didn't cooperate with me. Maybe he wants me to stay longer or he don't want me to go. If I can talk to him, I'll kneel and beg. Then, I have to confront the so unprofessional staff at the Research Management Centre. Huh.. They never failed to piss me off! Not only me, but anyone who deals with them will say the same. Don't you have a heart to let people down when you're talking like that? Do you feel so satisfy to see people angry with you? What's wrong with giving a smile and try to simplify other people's work rather than talking impolitely and if possible to put all the blame on us? Aren't you realized that you're working at customer service where you need to entertain the customer? Do you know that I feel like crying after seeing you. That shows how good you are in making people sad and feel humiliated. Actually, I really don't want to waste my time thinking about people like that. There are many other important things to think of. And I promise that one day I'll report to the vice chancellor and I'll cheer louder than other people if you get fired. haha..

p/s: I really hope that April 2 is not the date.

The call

Have you ever experienced this; your phone's ringing when you are watching a night movie in the cinema, and your eyes are automatically wide opened when seeing the name on the screen, it's your boss! If never, then I know that I can't find any other bosses in this world as workaholic as my boss (a.k.a my supervisor). Learning from senior's experience, I knew that I MUST answer his call no matter what without making him realize that the background noise was coming from the movie. I didn't want to miss any seconds of the scene but if I didn't pick up, he will surely call my friend, which was sitting beside me and obviously she was giving me such a face like 'go out! answer that or he'll call me instead!' I've got no choice than went out of the hall and call him back. The moment I heard his tense voice, I relieved that I have made the right decision to call him back. Then the rest was bla bla bla..you should do this..you must remember that..bla bla bla..

My supervisor is a super duper busy young professor (and a lecturer and a dean too!) with tons of research projects under his management. His days packed with meetings and management works as a dean, but it will never be ended if he don't step himself in his lab, our lab. His days will only be flawless if he can spend some times with his postgrad students because research means everything to him (I think..hehe). Therefore, if he couldn't make it to go to the lab, or his mind was too crowded with faculty issues, the above situation will happen. When he starts to remember something (normally relating to research) at home, he'll call us whenever he wants so that he won't forget it later without considering to not calling the girl at night, or thinking what are we doing at that time. However, we're the most kind and understanding students, so we never reject his phone call even though we're still in bed (that case always happens on weekend).

This often happened to, instead not the groceries. LOL. :D

p/s: lots of things in mind. Lots of unsure things make me hard to make decisions. The last decision before that day comes. But actually its nothing compared to my supervisor's.

Marry me?

It’s a beautiful night,
We’re looking for something dumb to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares baby
I think I wanna marry you.

Well I know this little chapel on the boulevard we can go,
No one will know,
Come on girl.
Who cares if we’re trashed got a pocket full of cash we can blow,
Shots of patron,
And it’s on girl.

Don’t say no, no, no, no-no;
Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah;
And we’ll go, go, go, go-go.
If you’re ready, like I’m ready.

I’ll go get a ring let the choir bells sing like oooh,
So whatcha wanna do?
Let’s just run girl.
If we wake up and you wanna break up that’s cool.
No, I won’t blame you;
It was fun girl.

Just say I do,
Tell me right now baby,
Tell me right now baby.

How sweet of you :)

p/s: everything's went back to normal. Alhamdulillah..

Remorse

These days, I lost in my own world. I can't find my way back, and keep wandering alone in the empty, dark spaces, trying so hard to find the lights, but literally I am deeper, farther from the way out. I don't know what's wrong with me, seems that I am fighting with myself. I want to scream my heart out but my mouth seems glued. This feeling is totally different. I'm surrounded by people that I love but I can't feel our hearts are really connected. And finally it triggers this explosion.

How I wish I can go back in time and change it. This remorse is killing me. Everytime I think of it, I feel like a blade slides into every inch of my flesh. I shouldn't have said that. I should have investigated before jumping into conclusion. Now, it's far too late and nothing can be done to make it right. All I could think to comfort myself is, be patient and it will all get better in time.

Now, I understand the meaning of sacrifice. How hard it is on me, it's harder to see someone's hurt because of me.

p/s: You used to tell me that, but I didn't believe it until today. Thank you for being my crying shoulder. I can't be more grateful than having someone like you.