The story of us

8 years ago, we were probably at the place where we were first met. It was in high school. I can't remember, when or how could we become so close. We did everything together back then. You were so childish when you were actually really mad at me if I was being closed to other girls or if I went to eat without waiting for you. And you won't be speaking to me for days. I was really bad cause I didn't know how to respond but being just quiet until you came back to me. We used to talk about boys a lot. We loved to take a lot of pictures together. And I can still remember when we used to sleep together in one single bed, something funny happened that we only both knew. And I can still remember when we were in our last day at school, you were crying when I left first with my parents. 

Since then, we never met. You was in the north and I was in the south. I thought when we both have chosen our own way, when we both have grown up in our different environment, I thought the time and distance will make us feel like strangers again like the first time we met. But I was totally wrong. Four years after high school, you came to my graduation day and I still saw the same you. However I did not make it to your graduation day. So to make it up, I sent you a teddy bear. But I am actually still feeling guilty because as you said, you are the one that always come to my place. Again, four years after my graduation day, you came to my place although it's not really my place. It's actually 'not my comfort zone' and thank you, you have actually made me feel more comfortable in that zone. And again, you still didn't change. I didn't feel awkward at all

This time we spent more time together like we used to. We did crazy things like bowled in a disco-like bowling alley (we both don't even know how to bowl though), played table ice hockey histerically in the game station till the disc flew over the next table (thank goodness it's not a someone else's head), watching a midnight movie till we couldn't open our eyes and being a suspicious police target on our way back home on the highway at 3am in the morning. As you said, I look too young for my age so it made the police confused. Ughh I can't forgive the police for underestimating me. Then we were drifted away to a very deep sleep on one single bed again like we used to do, and this time I'd definitely make sure that the funny 'thing' would never happen again. haha.

I have a strong feeling that this would be our best memories. And this is probably the last time we could spend time like this together as a singles, cause everyone are now moving towards married phase (but me not yet). And I pray for you, for us that we will be blessed in our journey. And we will be friends forever till the heaven.

Putrajaya, 25th November 2012

iCity Shah Alam, 25th November 2012

Not my comfort zone

It's raining heavily outside. I'm here alone in this lab, far away from my comfort world. At very this moment, I really want to meet the person that created a Malay quote 'hujan emas di negeri orang, hujan batu di negeri sendiri, lebih baik di negeri sendiri' or an English that invent the cliche 'home is where the heart is' because they are so wise.

On the first day, I was optimist. Confident enough that I can be very independent. Except that I was a little bit scared living in a double room in the hostel, that I read pages of Quran. Second day, maybe the room, the road, the lab and the trees have known me, so I felt safe and sound till I could do my routines at home (like wake up at 7.45 in the morning). Then I felt very bored like living in a prison. But, I lost the battle on the third day. I think I was being tested, suddenly the parking lot was full because there was an event in my hostel. The parking space is small so when it's full, there's no way I could make a u-turn. So when I was reversing my car, there was a car that had just came in. So I expected she will reverse too. But she was very selfish and I have to move to the side to let her through and my car was scratched! I pull down the window and said 'can you just reverse, my car has crashed the the drain divider' and I was very shock to hear her response. Arrogantly she said 'oh really?' and she got away! Not even a sorry! I was very mad, I was very sad and I cried looking for other place to park.

When that situation happens, you only need someone to talk to. The only one that I know is my car. I really wanted to sleep with him (I mean in the car) and cry all night if I just could. Yes, I was quite surprised too because I am happy when I drive him. Because I come here with him so he is the only friend that I got. I said  I miss you to him every morning, and I feel so bad for hurting him so I keep apologize. I don't know, this is happening naturally. Am I already mad? Is it a depression symptom? But I think God hears me. He always do indeed. He sent me a room mate actually. So, I'm quite happy that I am not a lonely girl anymore.

But living out of comfort zone can be a good thing. The lab will be the best place in the world. It is a place that I love to spend most of my day. And I want to finish the experiment badly that I never procrastinate in the lab. A two-weeks experiment at home can be done in just a week! So I'm hoping that this big sacrifice will return me a good data for my PhD. Purifier, please be good to me. I don't want to stay any longer.

Protein Instrumentation Lab, UKM. 22nd November 2012.

Stepping stone

The effects of working out has now crawled in. Every cells are now craving for ATPs. And it cause this eyelids too heavy to be lifted up. But I have a date with my girlfriends today. We are going to fill this hungry stomach with good food from a wedding reception and watch a movie afterwards. Oh my, I can't remember when was the last time I went watching movies.

I had a long shower after swimming today. I always do. And usually, I ate lunch after that and drifted away to a very deep, dreamless sleep. But today will be different. I'm going out and I'm very excited to see how far my body can go. Kind of experimenting with myself (tired of experimenting with the microbes i guess. hehe).

I just realized as I'm typing this sentences, that incredibly there's so many ideas coming out of my mind. Another effects of working out I believe. Because usually it takes quite a long time to finish a post. So it is true, I read somewhere that exercise can generate new neurons. Neurogenesis, endorphin release, all of these lead to mood enhance and mental alert. Subhanallah, i'm amazed.

So this is a stepping stone. Next week I will be dragging myself out of my comfort zone. Going to a new place, meet new people and gain new experience. I hope I can get some good data for my PhD, and improve myself as a person. InsyaAllah. Take care then.

A kind of stranger

Last night my room mate stuck in the middle of a busy highway cause her car engine suddenly dead. And it was around 10 pm. Thank god she got a chance to pull over. So thought the engine oil was run out, she asked me to bring the engine oil.  And for the first time I drove alone on the highway (for your records, i'm suck in memorizing road and reading maps). I'm grateful that her location quite straight forward so I reached her without any difficulties. Unfortunately, topping up the engine oil didn't do any difference. We had no idea what to do. The traffic was so fast, like they were driving in the light speed which make stuck up a hand was most impossible. And we were actually in a dark area in front of a Hindu temple. There were some cars came out of the small road beside the temple but they just stared and went away. I was really hoping that someone would be gentlemen enough to stop and ask what happened. Realizing that it was impossible, we decided to seek a farther help.

So we went to the gas station to buy some petrol but we didn't bring a bottle. So my room mate bought a 1.5 liter mineral water and we both trying so hard to drink it all to empty the bottle. It was so funny, I drank a lot that I need to pee. And I guess people were staring weirdly at us. haha.. Then we went to the store to find a jumper, just in case the engine didn't start because of the battery. But sadly, the jumper is only for Bonus Link redemption. I thought we said it clearly that we needed it so bad, but they seem didn't take it seriously. Then we went to a workshop that were half closed, we told the owner our story, but all we got was just a hurting word, 'sorry we already closed, come back tomorrow'. Again we were both stunned. What's wrong with these people. Wasn't it obvious that we are ladies, stuck in the middle of the night, seeking for help.

Then we continued to find the jumper but almost all gas station's shops didn't have it. Finally, at the last shop when we decided to give up, there was a worker that I would like to call him wise of all people we met that night. Though he didn't have the jumper, at least he showed an effort to help. There was a man that overheard our conversation I guess, interrupted us. He said he will bring the jumper because he left it at home and he asked us to wait. Alhamdulillah, god heard us. After a while he came back and helped us to start the engine. He didn't take the money my room mate handed him for a thanks and we didn't even know his name. But what we know he has a very good heart. And I will not hesitate to say that this people is one in a million. Not only he had helped us with the car, but he had also taught us a bigger lesson. Be kind and helpful to people although we don't know who they are. Because there will be one time when we need other's help badly. I hope that I am one of those who are willing to help unconditionally. InsyaAllah.

Shadows

Miss You More Than I'M Mad

Cheryl Wheeler

Darlin' I miss you more than I'm mad

And I love you more than I'm sad

And I need you baby so bad

I want to come home to you

I never meant to treat you unkind

I never had no time to unwind

Now in this bar it's empty and I'm

Feeling alone and blue

Someday we'll try to talk it through

But right now if I were next to you

I could find better things to do

And maybe nothin' to say

I won't be the victim of my own pride

My heart is too big to easily hide

It seems like my bed's unusually wide

And I know I'm in love with you

Phillip Island, September 2011

Dream

Two years in grad school has taught me so many things. If before grad school, I did every thing as told, but now no one is there to tell me what to do. I choose my own path, do things in my own way and decide what will I become after finishing grad school. After these two years of living in blur, I can only now see the future me. Yes, two years of adapting, I can't believe I'm saying that now. Only now I feel how badly I want to put on the robe and a bonnet and receive a PhD scroll. Only now I feel how badly I want to have my name on the first author's list on a journal article. Time has fly like a blink of an eye, sometimes I even ask myself, what have I done for the past two years.What have I achieved. Am I improved as a person. Am I growing up to a better Muslim. Did I treat my body well. Am I enjoy living my life. What have I given to people surrounding me. How much pain have I done to people. And yet, I can't think of the answers as if the two years ago is just happened yesterday. I know I have to change, stop feeling so comfortable in my safe zone. I'm getting old and I want to do something as I grow up. And I have a strong feeling that now is the time. And pray for me that I will stick on this until  my hair turning grey.

So, not much of my life's update, now I'm enjoying swimming very much. I feel strangely calm inside the water. If there is a sunscreen that can protect my skin from sunburn like forever, I wouldn't mind spending my whole day in the pool. But, sadly just by 'sunbathing' for two hours a week my skin has now started developing freckles in addition to a tanned skin. Tan is okay for me but freckles, I'm not sure if it will disappear. Well I'm an Asian, I think freckles and Asian are not a good friend. I hope so. Oh, and I have improved my freestyle, and yesterday I swam 50 m freestyle non stop for the first time! I'm so not gonna quit swimming. This is the only sport that I have passion for after all. Swimming made me happy, but guess what there is other thing that make me happier. My three little cute new friends from the street. A mother cat and her two cheeky little kitties. I started by leaving some kibbles beside the bin to stop the stray cats from scattering the rubbish all around. Now they are waiting for me everyday for food. One is wearing a black mask like a 'batcat' and one wearing stockings. Their mother is totally black with only a small white patch on the neck. They always made my day, seeing them every morning before going to the lab, and all my tired and stress from the lab are just vanished when seeing they eat. I always tease them with the shoelaces as well, and yeah, like all kitties they are very playful even though they are still scared and still hissing at me especially the mom. 

Those are things that make me happy in the meantime. I guess blending in with nature that makes me happy and calm. Cause they all worship and praise Allah. 'He is Allah, the Creator, the Maker, the Fashioner: His are the most beautiful names. Whatever is in the heavens and the earth declares His glory; and He is the Mighty, the Wise. 59:24'

Hoping for a miracle in my research, a year for collecting good results. My supervisor always says that what makes a PhD is mostly the results of the final year. I think that is happening to me as well. See you guys then!

The image of my dream.

My painkillers

If this is a movie

I haven't been writing here in so long. I have been in foul mood for the last couple of weeks. That kind of emotion wasn't the bestest time for me to write off course. I feel like the works and experiments are the one that are chasing after me. Sometimes there are so much things to do that I finally sit quietly and do nothing as I don't know how or where to start. But, with only a year left of my official PhD ahead of me, with friends around me graduating, I need to chase after those experiments, simulations and paper writing. And it is even haunting me now. Last night I had a dream, a friend of mine has graduated with a PhD and in that dream I was very sad because I'm still here struggling. And I can still remember, the feeling that I won't be able to finish my PhD. I'm hoping that it will turn the other way around in reality as the elders always say. Sometimes I feel as if life is a movie where I am the main actor. I just like to pretend that I am acting in a movie. I know that sounds funny, but I think this is good because it just makes me feel great and I will be in an awesome mood all day long. If you don't believe me, have your own shot. I insist indeed!

So life updates. My experiments are progressing alhamdulillah, I just need to put extra hard work to complete my study on time but that is the biggest challenge. On financial part, I'm starting to feel the burden when about 30% of my income is spent for the car. I visit shopping complex less obviously. Even if I do I only window shop, But the good thing is I won't buy unnecessary things anymore. I have been thinking of taking a part time job such as be a tutor at tuition center but with the work loads I'm not sure if I can manage my time wisely. So, that will be on my list to think of. On travelling part, I have traveled to Universal Studio Singapore, the first theme park that I have ever visited in my entire life. It was incredible! I have so much fun there and took a lots of photos. The best part was the transformer ride. The 4D effects were so real. We took the ride twice and if it was not because of the long queue I would absolutely take another ride. I am very impressed indeed, somehow I feel like I want to invent something that will make the world impressed too. One day insyaallah.

So tonight I will be heading home. Home's home. I haven't visited my mom for four months and I am very excited. I miss her a lot! I am too excited that I can't do experiments anymore these couple of days. It's not because I don't want to. I did but everything's just went wrong. Isn't it the strong indicator that my heart is now at home. Yay! I can't wait to kiss my mom's hand tomorrow morning! I can't wait to be at my magical place where the second I step in, I will feel like somewhere else, in an absolute peace, because I know that above a certain point in the universe, everything's ok. That none of these worries, those failed experiments and things that have going on in my head, they don't matter at all. It is true that no matter how successful we are, how far we go, how comfortable our place we are in now and how old we get, we always need a place to call home. I hope that I will have a safe and sound journey, and have a blissful time at home.

'When it comes to family, we're all still children at heart. No matter how old we get, we always need a place to call home. Because without the people you love most, you can't help but feel all alone in the world'

-Gossip Girl-

Universal Studio Singapore, March 2012