Sueño - la secuela

I had found the dress I loved. But I decided not to rush things. Only then the next day I found that it was gone to someone else's hand. The only things left were the old-fashioned dresses. I regretted that. I should have quick and firm in making decision and believe in my own choice.

It was supposed to be a big day. But I was in denial. I didn't want to be at that place, do that thing. It's just that I have to, with no reasons I can remember of. I wanted to cry, but nobody seemed to care about my feeling. It was used to be my biggest hope not so long time ago, but now no more. It has now became the thing I'm most afraid of. Then things were like being fast forwarded and the last thing I knew, I was smiling contentedly. I didn't have to do it anymore. Those feeling was so real, like a bird being released from its cage. And the flock was waiting. Then it flew freely to its flock, to where it should belong.

I know dreams don't stay long. That was when I opened my eyes. It was five past four in the morning. My heart was pounding. I have never woken up from a dream where I could recall every single moments of it. And the feeling remained. I was like stupefied for a minute or less or more. What are all these mean? I don't know why, but I have a strong feeling that it was not just an ordinary dream.

My bucket list

I am 25 this year and I haven't made a bucket list. So, here we go. My bucket list:

1. Learn to play an instrument. I would love piano.
2. Master a new language besides English and Malay, visit the country and talk to the native speaker.
3. Get married and go honeymoon to one of the most beautiful island in the world.
4. Open a shelter for stray cats.
5. Get a PhD.
6. Buy a house with a mini library and huge wardrobe.
7. Perform Hajj and visit the land of the prophets.
8. Take my parents for Hajj.
9. Travel the world.
10. Take dancing lesson.
11. Camp in a jungle.
12. Try a business.
13. Go to a spa like a rich women.
14. Ride a hot air balloon.
15. Make and release a sky lantern.
16. Sleep under the star.
17. Sail on a yacht.
18. Play in the rain, or just enjoy standing in the rain.
19. Go skydiving.
20. Bake a cake.
21. Run a marathon.
22. Go ice-skating.
22. Experience weightlessness.
23. Gardening.
24. Do major renovation on my parents's house.
25. Try a niqab.
26. Design my own house and decoration.
27. Write a book.
28. Scream on top of a mountain.
29. Break a rule.
30. Kick negative habits.
31. Go hiking.

And I think the list will keep growing..

Ignite

I never thought it would be that hard. You, me and that little space. I was trembling yet my body was heating. I tried so hard to act and breath normally despite those feelings, but you are always cool in your way. You know how to neutralize the situation, making me comfortable. Then I woke up, still shaking and a bit lost. I wonder how much my blood was pumped as seconds go. I hope it was just a dream. Obviously something is wrong with me.

Morning thought

Yesterday, in our weekly lab talk, one of our friends started her presentation with a verse in the Qur'an which as far as I was in the lab, none of us have ever done that before. It's in Surah Yaasin:

All-Glorified is He (in that He is absolutely exalted above having any peer or partner), Who has created the pairs all together out of what the earth produces, as well as out of themselves, and out of what they do not know. (36: 36).

This is a common verse, I heard about this several times before but what crossed in my mind when I heard/read this was Allah has created a partner (jodoh) for each of us in this world. But I never thought the meaning of the later words which are '...and out of what they do not know'. So, our friend has actually related this verse with the protein that she is working on, which needs a partner to execute its function. Otherwise it is useless.

I'm working in a biology lab, by biology it means I work with the living things, and natural compounds produced by them, nothing's synthetic. Nothing's made by human but Allah. But I can't remember myself, like really think about Him when I'm working. And I rarely think that what I did and discovered has actually been written in the Quran, only I never search for it and relates it to my work.

I'm very grateful that I was born as a Muslim. Because I think Islam keeps me wise. I can feel it because when I had a long 'menstrual leave', I'm happy at the first couple of days when I don't have to pray, so I have more time to do my work and sleep too (haha.. this is so bad attitude). But then, I feel like deviated. Jauh dari Allah, although I never did anything too sinful. So, the first prayer I perform after a 'menstrual leave' will usually be the most high quality (khusyuk) prayer that I have ever performed in my life because somehow I miss doing it. I feel so calm, a kind of feeling like there's a light touching your heart and I feel so contented sometimes I can cry.

And another thing that make me grateful is the Quran. Quran is not an ordinary book because it is Allah's word. Whenever I feel sad or lonely, I love to read the Quran. I can't describe the calming effects. Reading the Quran, sometimes I feel like reading an amazing story book because there's a lot of stories in the Quran. Sometimes my imagination can be so wide when I read about the paradise (although the pictures of paradise can never be reached by human thoughts). Sometimes when I feel like I'm a bad person, I always stumble upon a verse that say Allah is the most forgiven as long as you seek for His forgiveness. And of course there's a lot of science facts inside the Quran I feel like reading a science book.

I felt disturbed yesterday for reasons I can't think of. Maybe, I'm worried about my research work, the more I did and discovered, the more I see the dead end. And I feel my destination is far far way to go. Or maybe because I have been slapped in the face a day before, when a friend helped me to see a point of view which I never think of before, about something that I keep hoping. So, last night I decided to do nothing more than reading a novel, watching TV and sleeping. Then enjoying this lovely morning, blogging and swimming. And finally hoping for great days ahead.

A lonely girl

I’m a person with few friends. It’s not that I hate making friends, but I’m definitely not the one that will start a conversation with strangers. Actually I’d like to but every time I intend to, I can feel my cells expressing adrenaline; I feel nervous, dizzy and that sort of things. I’m not sure if that is normal because if it’s not, I’m definitely an abnormal person. So I would rather forget it and stay quiet. I also don’t like to hang out with a group of people because I don’t know how to interrupt a conversation. So I will be the one who are just sitting in the group, being a great listener and making a lot of smiles and laughes. But I don’t like to be alone either cause it is so awkward to eat alone, shop and walk alone. So, all my life there were always be a person that will stick beside me and I call them ‘best friends’ though we never declared. I never asked them to stick with me though, so I always curious about it too.

So, my best friend has got married, alhamdulillah. I am the happiest person on earth because I know that she had been through a lot all these years. So it’s now the time for her to be happy. But I’m starting to feel so lonely now. I live alone in the hostel, my best friend has gone and I don’t have special someone that will check on me every hours. My phone never rings. I don’t get any texts except the ads from the provider. With no internet in my room, I’m officially an absolute lonely girl. It feels so awkward especially when I went to Jusco and do the shopping alone. You know the feeling when you are walking alone you feel like people are staring although they are actually not. Two routines I can not do alone in this world; shopping and having lunch or dinner. Oh, for your record I’m afraid of making decision alone. I need assistance even as simple as to decide which pair of shoes or piece of shirt I should buy. I shall get use to it though. Care to be my shopping and eating partner? ;)

Unspeakable

This indescribable sense I have been feeling these days..
It is such a nuisance, yet very consoling,
Cozy..
Sometimes it felt so guilty feeling this way,
But there's something about it that makes me feel so contented,
Like a guilty pleasure, can I say that?
It even emerges in my dreams,
Yet I hate this feeling,
I hope it can get away from me..

Sweet escape

It has been a week. But I can still smell the sea, I can still feel the wind breeze against my cheek, I can still hear the harmonious sound of the waves. I miss lying on the spread of fine white sands, looking at the billion of stars above, feeling utterly amazed how wide the world is, and how small is me. Those images are still playing in my head as if it just happened yesterday.

Langkawi. A great place I can say. We had a great 'sweet escape'. It was ten of us, me and my lab mates. As it named, we totally escaped everything related to the lab. No one brought a journal paper, no one brought a lap top, and we never said anything about the lab along the vacation. We totally had our best time together, not as a lab mates this time, but as a best friends. The vacation was packed with activities cause I won't let a second left without something we could all remember. So instead of relaxing, we ended up by getting a super tired body. Sorry guys, I never thought that the schedule was too tight that some of us got sick. Four days were not enough. I wish we could spend more time there.

I love Langkawi's beaches, the sands are perfectly fine and flawless white. The water is so clear that we could see the fishes. We had a boat tour along the mangrove forest and moved towards the ocean. All I can say is, subhanallah. Once I even forgot that I was still in Malaysia. I never thought that our own country has such a breathtaking view of scenery. Then we also rode a cable car to the top of Gunung Machinchang. At the top of the mountain, we could see spectacular scenery of Langkawi, a wide field of mountains, the sea and the small islands views. And I could feel the cool breezes swiped away all the worries and sadness out of my mind, leaving a peaceful and happier me.

If I will be asked one day, ' if you could pick one day of your life and relive it, what would it be?' i'll definitely pick 7 - 10 of March 2013 :)