Meet HASMALIANA

Lately, I have been contemplating about myself. What people think of me, what was their first impression when first time they saw me and does it change after they know me? Most of people that I know always says to me, 'hey, don't you have feeling' and even some were angry with me when I was not responding to what they have said. Yes, I found that I'm hardly to express my feeling. Even, I attempt to, they will laugh at me because it didn't seem as right expression at that situation. Too bad, this expressionless face always makes my friend hurts, most of the time. All I can say is I'm sorry that I was born like this. Maybe this is called defect, I don't know is this a kind of disease or something. But believe me, I never have that intention to make they hurt that way. The good part of it is, people can't read what's on my mind and I can hide my feeling. Like my supervisor, he always wondering and asking my lab mates, whether I understand what he has said because he can't read my expressionless face. Sorry Prof, you have a student like me.

Having expressionless face doesn't mean that I have no feeling. Surprisingly, I'm quite a sensitive person, just I don't show it. For example, when I get hurt or sad, I can cry on the bed all night or in the toilet (during working hours) when I can't hold the tears anymore. Sometimes, I really want to tell that I'm hurt badly, but I can't find a way to show it. I'm not good at words also and I found people always misunderstand me and most of the time they get hurt for what I'm saying where actually I want to say it another way. And I hate every time it happened. But if it happened, I never trying to correct it, to defend myself, instead I just let people think that way. Weird, isn't it. I hate that part of me though.

Other weird things about me:

1. To my friend, you'll notice that I don't know how to say 'aku' and 'ko' or something like that coz during my childhood I was teached to say myself 'kami' and 'hang' (in Kedah accent). So, it's a little awkward to say that in Johor, but 'saya' is too formal. But to strangers and seniors, I don't have problem to say 'saya'.

2. I have problem to sleep early and wake up early too. I won't sleep before 12 because I think the time is too worth to waste it by sleeping.

3. I won't reply sms from unknown numbers that sounds not important like 'hey, how're you doing' or just 'hi'.

4. I can act pretty cool before my turn for interview or presentation but the truth is I'm nervous like hell.

5. I love the rain.

6. I can wait. I'm not tired of waiting.
7. I don't know how to scold. If angry, I just keep quite.

8. I love to sing, but alone.

9. I always sniff things.

If you know me, you will realize one thing. I don't say thanks and sorry to people that are very close to me. I can say that I'm an egoistic person. Even I'd made mistake and I know that I was wrong. Actually it bothers me, I feel like a bad person when unable to say sorry for my mistakes. It just feel awkward to say it. I know, I should swallow my pride, confront, and say it like someone tell me. He said, even if I'm sure that I haven't done anything wrong that makes them angry, it isn't wrong to say sorry to save the friendship. I'm far away from my family and him, after all, they all I have right now. So, I will try to change and learn to be that kind of person one day. InsyaAllah. (Allah, please give me that strength).