Faith

It would be no happy ending in my story this year. Back then,everything was so colorful from the beginning until the cold December ruined the entire year. I was having a rough patch. The same patch that I went through four years ago. I guess I will never have a perfect final year where everybody enjoying every single days while thinking that they will be graduated and leave the school soon.

I was so weak, same as before. Those words are so hurtful, same like before. It felt like being in a really bad dream. Damn I want to run and wake up so badly. I was miserable. I was so mad, and I know I have hurt many people around me. Sometimes I can't even understand it until now. Most of the time I console myself, keeping faith that everything will be back to normal again.

I went home, went out of the mess. I saw my parents' eyes, asking their bless. Though they had no idea what I was having through. I knew that I'm not alone. They are always there for me. Being in this circle of family is the best feeling in this world. And I want to make them happy and I promise to myself that I will drag myself out of this agony.

Yes, this is not the end. There will be a silver lining. One day I will know. And I still have faith. Cause I hate to break the promise I made.

p/s: 'When Allah who is Great and Glorious loves people, He afflicts them (with trials)' [Tirmidhi]'

'So verily, with every difficulty, there is relief [94:5]'

A letter

I wrote a letter yesterday
Just trying to explain
Couldn't find the words to say
Cause you are so far away, so far away

I wrote a letter yesterday
It's so hard for me to face
That it had to end this way
But my love will never change, will never change

When I search my soul to find the truth
About the love we shared
I wonder why you're no longer here

You can just walk away
But I don't feel the same
My heart still beats for you, breathes for you, sings for you
And those feelings will never fade
I can hide my pain
I can never hide the way I feel for you

I've been talking in my sleep
About the way it used to be
I pray that you hear me
Then I'll see you in my dreams

Well I can't forget the words you said
to move on with my life
And no matter what I'll carry you inside

Sooner or later your gonna realize
That this type of love happens once in your life
So open your eyes
And see what we could be..

p/s: please wake me up from this bad dream :'(

The story of us

8 years ago, we were probably at the place where we were first met. It was in high school. I can't remember, when or how could we become so close. We did everything together back then. You were so childish when you were actually really mad at me if I was being closed to other girls or if I went to eat without waiting for you. And you won't be speaking to me for days. I was really bad cause I didn't know how to respond but being just quiet until you came back to me. We used to talk about boys a lot. We loved to take a lot of pictures together. And I can still remember when we used to sleep together in one single bed, something funny happened that we only both knew. And I can still remember when we were in our last day at school, you were crying when I left first with my parents. 

Since then, we never met. You was in the north and I was in the south. I thought when we both have chosen our own way, when we both have grown up in our different environment, I thought the time and distance will make us feel like strangers again like the first time we met. But I was totally wrong. Four years after high school, you came to my graduation day and I still saw the same you. However I did not make it to your graduation day. So to make it up, I sent you a teddy bear. But I am actually still feeling guilty because as you said, you are the one that always come to my place. Again, four years after my graduation day, you came to my place although it's not really my place. It's actually 'not my comfort zone' and thank you, you have actually made me feel more comfortable in that zone. And again, you still didn't change. I didn't feel awkward at all

This time we spent more time together like we used to. We did crazy things like bowled in a disco-like bowling alley (we both don't even know how to bowl though), played table ice hockey histerically in the game station till the disc flew over the next table (thank goodness it's not a someone else's head), watching a midnight movie till we couldn't open our eyes and being a suspicious police target on our way back home on the highway at 3am in the morning. As you said, I look too young for my age so it made the police confused. Ughh I can't forgive the police for underestimating me. Then we were drifted away to a very deep sleep on one single bed again like we used to do, and this time I'd definitely make sure that the funny 'thing' would never happen again. haha.

I have a strong feeling that this would be our best memories. And this is probably the last time we could spend time like this together as a singles, cause everyone are now moving towards married phase (but me not yet). And I pray for you, for us that we will be blessed in our journey. And we will be friends forever till the heaven.

Putrajaya, 25th November 2012

iCity Shah Alam, 25th November 2012

Not my comfort zone

It's raining heavily outside. I'm here alone in this lab, far away from my comfort world. At very this moment, I really want to meet the person that created a Malay quote 'hujan emas di negeri orang, hujan batu di negeri sendiri, lebih baik di negeri sendiri' or an English that invent the cliche 'home is where the heart is' because they are so wise.

On the first day, I was optimist. Confident enough that I can be very independent. Except that I was a little bit scared living in a double room in the hostel, that I read pages of Quran. Second day, maybe the room, the road, the lab and the trees have known me, so I felt safe and sound till I could do my routines at home (like wake up at 7.45 in the morning). Then I felt very bored like living in a prison. But, I lost the battle on the third day. I think I was being tested, suddenly the parking lot was full because there was an event in my hostel. The parking space is small so when it's full, there's no way I could make a u-turn. So when I was reversing my car, there was a car that had just came in. So I expected she will reverse too. But she was very selfish and I have to move to the side to let her through and my car was scratched! I pull down the window and said 'can you just reverse, my car has crashed the the drain divider' and I was very shock to hear her response. Arrogantly she said 'oh really?' and she got away! Not even a sorry! I was very mad, I was very sad and I cried looking for other place to park.

When that situation happens, you only need someone to talk to. The only one that I know is my car. I really wanted to sleep with him (I mean in the car) and cry all night if I just could. Yes, I was quite surprised too because I am happy when I drive him. Because I come here with him so he is the only friend that I got. I said  I miss you to him every morning, and I feel so bad for hurting him so I keep apologize. I don't know, this is happening naturally. Am I already mad? Is it a depression symptom? But I think God hears me. He always do indeed. He sent me a room mate actually. So, I'm quite happy that I am not a lonely girl anymore.

But living out of comfort zone can be a good thing. The lab will be the best place in the world. It is a place that I love to spend most of my day. And I want to finish the experiment badly that I never procrastinate in the lab. A two-weeks experiment at home can be done in just a week! So I'm hoping that this big sacrifice will return me a good data for my PhD. Purifier, please be good to me. I don't want to stay any longer.

Protein Instrumentation Lab, UKM. 22nd November 2012.

Stepping stone

The effects of working out has now crawled in. Every cells are now craving for ATPs. And it cause this eyelids too heavy to be lifted up. But I have a date with my girlfriends today. We are going to fill this hungry stomach with good food from a wedding reception and watch a movie afterwards. Oh my, I can't remember when was the last time I went watching movies.

I had a long shower after swimming today. I always do. And usually, I ate lunch after that and drifted away to a very deep, dreamless sleep. But today will be different. I'm going out and I'm very excited to see how far my body can go. Kind of experimenting with myself (tired of experimenting with the microbes i guess. hehe).

I just realized as I'm typing this sentences, that incredibly there's so many ideas coming out of my mind. Another effects of working out I believe. Because usually it takes quite a long time to finish a post. So it is true, I read somewhere that exercise can generate new neurons. Neurogenesis, endorphin release, all of these lead to mood enhance and mental alert. Subhanallah, i'm amazed.

So this is a stepping stone. Next week I will be dragging myself out of my comfort zone. Going to a new place, meet new people and gain new experience. I hope I can get some good data for my PhD, and improve myself as a person. InsyaAllah. Take care then.

A kind of stranger

Last night my room mate stuck in the middle of a busy highway cause her car engine suddenly dead. And it was around 10 pm. Thank god she got a chance to pull over. So thought the engine oil was run out, she asked me to bring the engine oil.  And for the first time I drove alone on the highway (for your records, i'm suck in memorizing road and reading maps). I'm grateful that her location quite straight forward so I reached her without any difficulties. Unfortunately, topping up the engine oil didn't do any difference. We had no idea what to do. The traffic was so fast, like they were driving in the light speed which make stuck up a hand was most impossible. And we were actually in a dark area in front of a Hindu temple. There were some cars came out of the small road beside the temple but they just stared and went away. I was really hoping that someone would be gentlemen enough to stop and ask what happened. Realizing that it was impossible, we decided to seek a farther help.

So we went to the gas station to buy some petrol but we didn't bring a bottle. So my room mate bought a 1.5 liter mineral water and we both trying so hard to drink it all to empty the bottle. It was so funny, I drank a lot that I need to pee. And I guess people were staring weirdly at us. haha.. Then we went to the store to find a jumper, just in case the engine didn't start because of the battery. But sadly, the jumper is only for Bonus Link redemption. I thought we said it clearly that we needed it so bad, but they seem didn't take it seriously. Then we went to a workshop that were half closed, we told the owner our story, but all we got was just a hurting word, 'sorry we already closed, come back tomorrow'. Again we were both stunned. What's wrong with these people. Wasn't it obvious that we are ladies, stuck in the middle of the night, seeking for help.

Then we continued to find the jumper but almost all gas station's shops didn't have it. Finally, at the last shop when we decided to give up, there was a worker that I would like to call him wise of all people we met that night. Though he didn't have the jumper, at least he showed an effort to help. There was a man that overheard our conversation I guess, interrupted us. He said he will bring the jumper because he left it at home and he asked us to wait. Alhamdulillah, god heard us. After a while he came back and helped us to start the engine. He didn't take the money my room mate handed him for a thanks and we didn't even know his name. But what we know he has a very good heart. And I will not hesitate to say that this people is one in a million. Not only he had helped us with the car, but he had also taught us a bigger lesson. Be kind and helpful to people although we don't know who they are. Because there will be one time when we need other's help badly. I hope that I am one of those who are willing to help unconditionally. InsyaAllah.

Shadows

Miss You More Than I'M Mad

Cheryl Wheeler

Darlin' I miss you more than I'm mad

And I love you more than I'm sad

And I need you baby so bad

I want to come home to you

I never meant to treat you unkind

I never had no time to unwind

Now in this bar it's empty and I'm

Feeling alone and blue

Someday we'll try to talk it through

But right now if I were next to you

I could find better things to do

And maybe nothin' to say

I won't be the victim of my own pride

My heart is too big to easily hide

It seems like my bed's unusually wide

And I know I'm in love with you

Phillip Island, September 2011

Dream

Two years in grad school has taught me so many things. If before grad school, I did every thing as told, but now no one is there to tell me what to do. I choose my own path, do things in my own way and decide what will I become after finishing grad school. After these two years of living in blur, I can only now see the future me. Yes, two years of adapting, I can't believe I'm saying that now. Only now I feel how badly I want to put on the robe and a bonnet and receive a PhD scroll. Only now I feel how badly I want to have my name on the first author's list on a journal article. Time has fly like a blink of an eye, sometimes I even ask myself, what have I done for the past two years.What have I achieved. Am I improved as a person. Am I growing up to a better Muslim. Did I treat my body well. Am I enjoy living my life. What have I given to people surrounding me. How much pain have I done to people. And yet, I can't think of the answers as if the two years ago is just happened yesterday. I know I have to change, stop feeling so comfortable in my safe zone. I'm getting old and I want to do something as I grow up. And I have a strong feeling that now is the time. And pray for me that I will stick on this until  my hair turning grey.

So, not much of my life's update, now I'm enjoying swimming very much. I feel strangely calm inside the water. If there is a sunscreen that can protect my skin from sunburn like forever, I wouldn't mind spending my whole day in the pool. But, sadly just by 'sunbathing' for two hours a week my skin has now started developing freckles in addition to a tanned skin. Tan is okay for me but freckles, I'm not sure if it will disappear. Well I'm an Asian, I think freckles and Asian are not a good friend. I hope so. Oh, and I have improved my freestyle, and yesterday I swam 50 m freestyle non stop for the first time! I'm so not gonna quit swimming. This is the only sport that I have passion for after all. Swimming made me happy, but guess what there is other thing that make me happier. My three little cute new friends from the street. A mother cat and her two cheeky little kitties. I started by leaving some kibbles beside the bin to stop the stray cats from scattering the rubbish all around. Now they are waiting for me everyday for food. One is wearing a black mask like a 'batcat' and one wearing stockings. Their mother is totally black with only a small white patch on the neck. They always made my day, seeing them every morning before going to the lab, and all my tired and stress from the lab are just vanished when seeing they eat. I always tease them with the shoelaces as well, and yeah, like all kitties they are very playful even though they are still scared and still hissing at me especially the mom. 

Those are things that make me happy in the meantime. I guess blending in with nature that makes me happy and calm. Cause they all worship and praise Allah. 'He is Allah, the Creator, the Maker, the Fashioner: His are the most beautiful names. Whatever is in the heavens and the earth declares His glory; and He is the Mighty, the Wise. 59:24'

Hoping for a miracle in my research, a year for collecting good results. My supervisor always says that what makes a PhD is mostly the results of the final year. I think that is happening to me as well. See you guys then!

The image of my dream.

My painkillers

If this is a movie

I haven't been writing here in so long. I have been in foul mood for the last couple of weeks. That kind of emotion wasn't the bestest time for me to write off course. I feel like the works and experiments are the one that are chasing after me. Sometimes there are so much things to do that I finally sit quietly and do nothing as I don't know how or where to start. But, with only a year left of my official PhD ahead of me, with friends around me graduating, I need to chase after those experiments, simulations and paper writing. And it is even haunting me now. Last night I had a dream, a friend of mine has graduated with a PhD and in that dream I was very sad because I'm still here struggling. And I can still remember, the feeling that I won't be able to finish my PhD. I'm hoping that it will turn the other way around in reality as the elders always say. Sometimes I feel as if life is a movie where I am the main actor. I just like to pretend that I am acting in a movie. I know that sounds funny, but I think this is good because it just makes me feel great and I will be in an awesome mood all day long. If you don't believe me, have your own shot. I insist indeed!

So life updates. My experiments are progressing alhamdulillah, I just need to put extra hard work to complete my study on time but that is the biggest challenge. On financial part, I'm starting to feel the burden when about 30% of my income is spent for the car. I visit shopping complex less obviously. Even if I do I only window shop, But the good thing is I won't buy unnecessary things anymore. I have been thinking of taking a part time job such as be a tutor at tuition center but with the work loads I'm not sure if I can manage my time wisely. So, that will be on my list to think of. On travelling part, I have traveled to Universal Studio Singapore, the first theme park that I have ever visited in my entire life. It was incredible! I have so much fun there and took a lots of photos. The best part was the transformer ride. The 4D effects were so real. We took the ride twice and if it was not because of the long queue I would absolutely take another ride. I am very impressed indeed, somehow I feel like I want to invent something that will make the world impressed too. One day insyaallah.

So tonight I will be heading home. Home's home. I haven't visited my mom for four months and I am very excited. I miss her a lot! I am too excited that I can't do experiments anymore these couple of days. It's not because I don't want to. I did but everything's just went wrong. Isn't it the strong indicator that my heart is now at home. Yay! I can't wait to kiss my mom's hand tomorrow morning! I can't wait to be at my magical place where the second I step in, I will feel like somewhere else, in an absolute peace, because I know that above a certain point in the universe, everything's ok. That none of these worries, those failed experiments and things that have going on in my head, they don't matter at all. It is true that no matter how successful we are, how far we go, how comfortable our place we are in now and how old we get, we always need a place to call home. I hope that I will have a safe and sound journey, and have a blissful time at home.

'When it comes to family, we're all still children at heart. No matter how old we get, we always need a place to call home. Because without the people you love most, you can't help but feel all alone in the world'

-Gossip Girl-

Universal Studio Singapore, March 2012

My first car

Hiya! Introducing to you guys my new boyfriend ;) He's so black obviously. Alhamdulillah after a thorough of thinking and praying I have had my first car. Yes I admit it was not easy to make such a big decision. It is easy when the money is not a problem, but unfortunately it is not for a student like me. I think this was one of the biggest decisions I've ever made (after decision of doing PhD). When it involves thousands RM of debt, it is a big responsibility. This was the first time in my life when I think so deeply and look forward on my future, taking into accounts any possibilities that may happen, and managing my income so detail because with even just a little bit of overspending, there will be consequences that I will face. Before having a car, I was always dreaming like, 'if I have a car, I won't let my weekend empty, I'll go shopping, go here, go there bla bla bla..' But it seems never goes like that because I have no money left for shopping anymore. sob! sob! :(  However, I'm glad that I have learned a lot from that. When shopping I started to identify and distinguish which one is my needs and which one is my wants. And I have to strain myself from buying unnecessary things and believe me that was the hardest part. I hope I can get use to it soon and get rid of the shopaholic side of me. And I'm hoping and praying that my future will be as planned. Nevertheless I can only plan, everything that happened indeed is the best for me including having this car. 

So people called my new bf JeNaL. urgh! I hate that name! I wish there were better names that can be made with that letters but I can't find any! Whatever his name is, I love him as he is my first asset though he's pretty much a gold-digger, very much actually. Never mind, at least for now he boosts up my mood to go to the lab (as it is a reason I could drive him everyday..hehe..silly!) Having something new is really fun, it just makes me happy and I really love that feeling. Hopefully the feeling will last longer, as my hypothesis the time for good feeling to stay will be proportional to the price and size of the new thing. Does it make sense? Hopefully. Hehe..

Two great things on the leap day!

Yesterday was leap day, 29th February, which occurs once in four years. Usually people will do something weird, special, or unusual on this special day. But I'm not that kind of person who appreciate special numbers especially dates much because I just don't really care. However, it turns out that several good things happened yesterday (off course without me planning it obviously). First, I got a phone call from shipping company telling that my goods a.k.a. my 'catch' from 6 months stay in Melbourne will be delivered. I was pretty excited because I have waited ages for that. Finally it arrived and thank God I was so satisfied with how they handled the boxes because they were delivered perfectly in the same condition as I had given them. So half of the hall in our house is filled with my 11 boxes and I have no idea where on earth to put those things. *sigh*

We really never thought is there still any room in the wardrobe to put new clothes and where to keep new things during shopping right, cause it is so addictive and satisfying. Yup, typical women!

Secondly, right after the boxes have been delivered, I have got a text from the bank, to inform that my car loan has been approved. Alhamdulillah, I was like so not ready to receive this two great news in a day and I was like mumbling to myself, am I dreaming or what. At the same time, I was so nervous to face today, as I will sign my first loan's agreement (which means another responsibility) and I feel like so grown up! hehe..

So, the moment I opened my eyes this morning, I have no idea what's going to happen today and I was so nervous to get up. It was such a weird feeling that I never felt before. Funny right. But I have made the decision to have my first car, and this is happening right now. And I have to face it anyway. So, the long and tiring day begins. It was soooo long as if I had traveled to KL from JB and I have got a strong headache at the end of the day and ended up sleeping from 7pm to 9pm. But I'm not going to write it up now cause it will be a looong story, so I will post it on the next entry. However thank God everything have been settled down. Indeed, good things always come after the hardship.

p/s: 'Verily, with hardship there is relief. 94:6'

A magical place!

I know one magical place. A miraculous place where if I place one step in it, it feels as if someone has chanted me 'obliviate' charm like in the Harry Potter. I can't remember a thing about the lab, books or anything related to lab, I even never ever tried to remember a thing off course. And one thing that I love most about this magical place is it is filled with people that love me unconditionally. I could never find any places like that magical 'HOME' on this Earth I guess. My home isn't big. Isn't beautiful either. It is heated up to desert temperature during the day cause the roof is made of zinc and cooled down to the temperature of Antarctica during the night. But it is heaven for me, and for other creatures as well because every night we will have several guests from the jungle like the mosquitoes, the grasshoppers and other insects. Sometimes there comes the giant bug and riang-riang (cicada in english, a big insect that sings with a very annoying voice) and when they come and flying around the lamp they scare the hell out of me. Usually when they come I will be hiding behind my mom, or screaming and run to my room and turn off the light. Gosh I hate those guys. Seems like very uncomfortable but believe me it is the most comfortable place I've ever been in this Earth.

But apparently the good place is where the least time I spend at. In 365 days, I'm only allowed to take 25 working days off but usually less than that. How cruel the reality is. However, those 25 days will be the best and the most quality days. So last week I spent 4 days at home. Though short, but it was long enough to make me feel homesick when I went back. My family has just grew bigger when my nephew was born. If you know me, then you will automatically know that my family isn't the noisy type. Maybe my dad was a little bit fierce person when we were little (coz he was a soldier), so we never complained except listened to every word (and it is actually continuous until now). Now my nephew was 1 year old plus and she brings more laughter and noisiness to the house. Everyone seems like to play with her, and even tease her until she cry. And we are always being entertained by her cute behavior. And now I miss her so much*sigh*.

So, I'm waiting for the next chance for me to step into that magical place again. But now I should gain as much yield as possible from my labworks so that it will be the most precious reward for myself.

with nur qisya arissa

p/s: home is where my heart is...

I'm homeee!!!

Hey folks.. I know.. I know.. I know.. Okay stop. Yes I'm pretty sure that the last time I checked on myself, I'm still breathing. I was landed safely in this lovely warmed-home country on 30th December 2011. It feels soooo good to be home! (at least I still remember how it felt back then, like I've never felt that way before) So about the silence..*sigh*..I swear I don't want to explain that (I don't even know how to though). Yeah it was me, I'd rather say that I was protesting. Repelling to everything. I didn't want to write because there was something in me whispering that 'you are the loser'. I've tried not to listened but I failed each time. But then I realized, people do make mistakes, choose the wrong way and proud of themselves when they make their first step on the most hindered way, while they don't realize that will take them to nowhere.

But, I was actually still thinking, what if I was about an inch to success but because I looked back, I lose it forever. And one day it strikes me when I remember about Thomas Edison who said that he has just found 10000 ways that won't work to make a bulb rather than saying he has failed. And me, I'm willing to say out loud that I has not even tried 100 ways to easily quit and start another project. That day when I felt like I'm a loser. Then a friend of mine said that 'you can't make that comparison because at the end of the day you just want to get your PhD unless you can stay years with your microbes to get that massive Dr in front of your name'. Then I was like, 'yes you are right'. Then I started to blame myself for being so confident in the first place to take the project that had sacrificed two students before. Sometimes I hate a part of myself. The part that always being so optimistic, that always tell me as if nothing's gonna happen, believe in yourself, just stay calm, relax and smile. I swear I would do anything if I can chase that part out of me.

So, another couple of years to struggle for getting that Dr in front of my name. I'm starting to believe that I'm not a loser. It's just the protein won't change, the nature makes them that way. And I feel relief when both of my supervisors (home's and Aussie's) said, 'we can't predict what might be happened, sometimes we want them to follow what we order them to but we can do nothing if their nature say don't follow'. But now I feel like I am the cruel huge-giant who orders all tiny little things to do this and that, and the former protein might be the one who were willing to die to protect their species. But no I shouldn't think that way. The reason is the same as you can't feel sorry for the chicken that will be slaughtered to become your dish for dinner.

Pray for me guys. many loves!

On my way back home.