Delusion

I dreamed last night.
It was my wedding,
But the groom did not show up.

Off course he won't.

A dandelion seed

Yesterday I have been asked a question which I haven't heard for quite a while; 'what is your ambition Hasmaliana?'. And by ambition it means what I want to be after graduate. I was like, gosh! I  never thought someone would ask me this question again at my age. I'm quite surprised and a bit disappointed with myself, cause I actually find that it is hard to answer that question. I don't even know what I want to do after grad school. Sometimes I imagine myself as a lecturer, being in the lecture theater and having my own lab conducting research. Sometimes all of these lab work's hardship makes me feel that I will never doing research again. That is when I imagine myself as a housewife, taking care of my children at home.

Yes, when I have been asked this question during my childhood, I won't hesitate to say that 'I want to be a teacher' cause I feel that being a teacher is so cool. Or sometimes 'I want to be a housewife' cause my mom is so cool. Our answer will solely dependent on our life's perspective at that time, the people around us that make us comfortable. When I have been asked the same question during the high school, when I have been exposed to the wider world and I feel like being a doctor is much cooler than a teacher. And surprisingly, when I have been asked the same question at this age, when I am doing my PhD, I don't know what I actually want to be.

As I age, I become more uncertain of what I want to be. I'm not sure if that happens to other people too, but I'm not happy with that and that is not a good thing off course. Sometimes I feel like I am a dandelion seed, blown up by the wind and I'm just letting the wind takes me to wherever it goes until it stops. And that will be the place where I will grow and live again.

p/s: The person who asked me was my English teacher during high school. He reminded me of a funny story, when he asked us to write an article a day, I translated a Malay idiom 'katak bawah tempurung' as 'a frog under the coconut shell'. He just smiled when he corrected it for me but I bet he must be out of breath laughing before that. Haha it was hilarious when thinking of how silly I used to be. Oh, for your record, I hate English language subject.

Bittersweet

The sky was clear today. As clear as my mind. I couldn't remember, when was the last time that this feeling struck me. Or maybe I never felt like this before, I'm not sure of it too. But the feeling is very soothing, and I didn't realized that suddenly I smiled for no reason. 

I am a person who is good at recovering from a sudden emotional disturbance. I love that part of me. Even I will become more productive when I'm stress. So I have been thinking a lot recently. I was trying to find the reason of everything that happened. And I feel bittersweet. Somehow I feel like this new life I'm living now is more ample, like running on a very wide spring meadow. And I'm kind of like it. The best part is I can stalk anyone I like without feeling guilty which I haven't done it for years. Plus, thinking about him, missing him and checking on him on facebook (which I do everyday) without him knowing is bittersweet too (though sometimes it hurts).

I have done a lot of thinking about myself too. I realized that sometimes I find it's hard for me to give the right response when people talks to me, so I'd rather keep quiet. Plus, I have lack of facial expression and I know it annoys or most of the time it hurts people. I don't blame my friend who would rather not telling me their stories cause I know they will feel like talking with a stone (yes, I'm stone). I want and I am trying to improve that. I will learn how to give response and appreciate them more. I promise to myself!

So I'm enjoying my single life now. Cause I know I'll never ever experience this life again once I get married one day. Indeed everything's happen for reason cause Allah is the All-Knowing, knower of the unseen and the seen. Till then.

 

Faith

It would be no happy ending in my story this year. Back then,everything was so colorful from the beginning until the cold December ruined the entire year. I was having a rough patch. The same patch that I went through four years ago. I guess I will never have a perfect final year where everybody enjoying every single days while thinking that they will be graduated and leave the school soon.

I was so weak, same as before. Those words are so hurtful, same like before. It felt like being in a really bad dream. Damn I want to run and wake up so badly. I was miserable. I was so mad, and I know I have hurt many people around me. Sometimes I can't even understand it until now. Most of the time I console myself, keeping faith that everything will be back to normal again.

I went home, went out of the mess. I saw my parents' eyes, asking their bless. Though they had no idea what I was having through. I knew that I'm not alone. They are always there for me. Being in this circle of family is the best feeling in this world. And I want to make them happy and I promise to myself that I will drag myself out of this agony.

Yes, this is not the end. There will be a silver lining. One day I will know. And I still have faith. Cause I hate to break the promise I made.

p/s: 'When Allah who is Great and Glorious loves people, He afflicts them (with trials)' [Tirmidhi]'

'So verily, with every difficulty, there is relief [94:5]'

A letter

I wrote a letter yesterday
Just trying to explain
Couldn't find the words to say
Cause you are so far away, so far away

I wrote a letter yesterday
It's so hard for me to face
That it had to end this way
But my love will never change, will never change

When I search my soul to find the truth
About the love we shared
I wonder why you're no longer here

You can just walk away
But I don't feel the same
My heart still beats for you, breathes for you, sings for you
And those feelings will never fade
I can hide my pain
I can never hide the way I feel for you

I've been talking in my sleep
About the way it used to be
I pray that you hear me
Then I'll see you in my dreams

Well I can't forget the words you said
to move on with my life
And no matter what I'll carry you inside

Sooner or later your gonna realize
That this type of love happens once in your life
So open your eyes
And see what we could be..

p/s: please wake me up from this bad dream :'(

The story of us

8 years ago, we were probably at the place where we were first met. It was in high school. I can't remember, when or how could we become so close. We did everything together back then. You were so childish when you were actually really mad at me if I was being closed to other girls or if I went to eat without waiting for you. And you won't be speaking to me for days. I was really bad cause I didn't know how to respond but being just quiet until you came back to me. We used to talk about boys a lot. We loved to take a lot of pictures together. And I can still remember when we used to sleep together in one single bed, something funny happened that we only both knew. And I can still remember when we were in our last day at school, you were crying when I left first with my parents. 

Since then, we never met. You was in the north and I was in the south. I thought when we both have chosen our own way, when we both have grown up in our different environment, I thought the time and distance will make us feel like strangers again like the first time we met. But I was totally wrong. Four years after high school, you came to my graduation day and I still saw the same you. However I did not make it to your graduation day. So to make it up, I sent you a teddy bear. But I am actually still feeling guilty because as you said, you are the one that always come to my place. Again, four years after my graduation day, you came to my place although it's not really my place. It's actually 'not my comfort zone' and thank you, you have actually made me feel more comfortable in that zone. And again, you still didn't change. I didn't feel awkward at all

This time we spent more time together like we used to. We did crazy things like bowled in a disco-like bowling alley (we both don't even know how to bowl though), played table ice hockey histerically in the game station till the disc flew over the next table (thank goodness it's not a someone else's head), watching a midnight movie till we couldn't open our eyes and being a suspicious police target on our way back home on the highway at 3am in the morning. As you said, I look too young for my age so it made the police confused. Ughh I can't forgive the police for underestimating me. Then we were drifted away to a very deep sleep on one single bed again like we used to do, and this time I'd definitely make sure that the funny 'thing' would never happen again. haha.

I have a strong feeling that this would be our best memories. And this is probably the last time we could spend time like this together as a singles, cause everyone are now moving towards married phase (but me not yet). And I pray for you, for us that we will be blessed in our journey. And we will be friends forever till the heaven.

Putrajaya, 25th November 2012

iCity Shah Alam, 25th November 2012

Not my comfort zone

It's raining heavily outside. I'm here alone in this lab, far away from my comfort world. At very this moment, I really want to meet the person that created a Malay quote 'hujan emas di negeri orang, hujan batu di negeri sendiri, lebih baik di negeri sendiri' or an English that invent the cliche 'home is where the heart is' because they are so wise.

On the first day, I was optimist. Confident enough that I can be very independent. Except that I was a little bit scared living in a double room in the hostel, that I read pages of Quran. Second day, maybe the room, the road, the lab and the trees have known me, so I felt safe and sound till I could do my routines at home (like wake up at 7.45 in the morning). Then I felt very bored like living in a prison. But, I lost the battle on the third day. I think I was being tested, suddenly the parking lot was full because there was an event in my hostel. The parking space is small so when it's full, there's no way I could make a u-turn. So when I was reversing my car, there was a car that had just came in. So I expected she will reverse too. But she was very selfish and I have to move to the side to let her through and my car was scratched! I pull down the window and said 'can you just reverse, my car has crashed the the drain divider' and I was very shock to hear her response. Arrogantly she said 'oh really?' and she got away! Not even a sorry! I was very mad, I was very sad and I cried looking for other place to park.

When that situation happens, you only need someone to talk to. The only one that I know is my car. I really wanted to sleep with him (I mean in the car) and cry all night if I just could. Yes, I was quite surprised too because I am happy when I drive him. Because I come here with him so he is the only friend that I got. I said  I miss you to him every morning, and I feel so bad for hurting him so I keep apologize. I don't know, this is happening naturally. Am I already mad? Is it a depression symptom? But I think God hears me. He always do indeed. He sent me a room mate actually. So, I'm quite happy that I am not a lonely girl anymore.

But living out of comfort zone can be a good thing. The lab will be the best place in the world. It is a place that I love to spend most of my day. And I want to finish the experiment badly that I never procrastinate in the lab. A two-weeks experiment at home can be done in just a week! So I'm hoping that this big sacrifice will return me a good data for my PhD. Purifier, please be good to me. I don't want to stay any longer.

Protein Instrumentation Lab, UKM. 22nd November 2012.