Faith

It would be no happy ending in my story this year. Back then,everything was so colorful from the beginning until the cold December ruined the entire year. I was having a rough patch. The same patch that I went through four years ago. I guess I will never have a perfect final year where everybody enjoying every single days while thinking that they will be graduated and leave the school soon.

I was so weak, same as before. Those words are so hurtful, same like before. It felt like being in a really bad dream. Damn I want to run and wake up so badly. I was miserable. I was so mad, and I know I have hurt many people around me. Sometimes I can't even understand it until now. Most of the time I console myself, keeping faith that everything will be back to normal again.

I went home, went out of the mess. I saw my parents' eyes, asking their bless. Though they had no idea what I was having through. I knew that I'm not alone. They are always there for me. Being in this circle of family is the best feeling in this world. And I want to make them happy and I promise to myself that I will drag myself out of this agony.

Yes, this is not the end. There will be a silver lining. One day I will know. And I still have faith. Cause I hate to break the promise I made.

p/s: 'When Allah who is Great and Glorious loves people, He afflicts them (with trials)' [Tirmidhi]'

'So verily, with every difficulty, there is relief [94:5]'

A letter

I wrote a letter yesterday
Just trying to explain
Couldn't find the words to say
Cause you are so far away, so far away

I wrote a letter yesterday
It's so hard for me to face
That it had to end this way
But my love will never change, will never change

When I search my soul to find the truth
About the love we shared
I wonder why you're no longer here

You can just walk away
But I don't feel the same
My heart still beats for you, breathes for you, sings for you
And those feelings will never fade
I can hide my pain
I can never hide the way I feel for you

I've been talking in my sleep
About the way it used to be
I pray that you hear me
Then I'll see you in my dreams

Well I can't forget the words you said
to move on with my life
And no matter what I'll carry you inside

Sooner or later your gonna realize
That this type of love happens once in your life
So open your eyes
And see what we could be..

p/s: please wake me up from this bad dream :'(

The story of us

8 years ago, we were probably at the place where we were first met. It was in high school. I can't remember, when or how could we become so close. We did everything together back then. You were so childish when you were actually really mad at me if I was being closed to other girls or if I went to eat without waiting for you. And you won't be speaking to me for days. I was really bad cause I didn't know how to respond but being just quiet until you came back to me. We used to talk about boys a lot. We loved to take a lot of pictures together. And I can still remember when we used to sleep together in one single bed, something funny happened that we only both knew. And I can still remember when we were in our last day at school, you were crying when I left first with my parents. 

Since then, we never met. You was in the north and I was in the south. I thought when we both have chosen our own way, when we both have grown up in our different environment, I thought the time and distance will make us feel like strangers again like the first time we met. But I was totally wrong. Four years after high school, you came to my graduation day and I still saw the same you. However I did not make it to your graduation day. So to make it up, I sent you a teddy bear. But I am actually still feeling guilty because as you said, you are the one that always come to my place. Again, four years after my graduation day, you came to my place although it's not really my place. It's actually 'not my comfort zone' and thank you, you have actually made me feel more comfortable in that zone. And again, you still didn't change. I didn't feel awkward at all

This time we spent more time together like we used to. We did crazy things like bowled in a disco-like bowling alley (we both don't even know how to bowl though), played table ice hockey histerically in the game station till the disc flew over the next table (thank goodness it's not a someone else's head), watching a midnight movie till we couldn't open our eyes and being a suspicious police target on our way back home on the highway at 3am in the morning. As you said, I look too young for my age so it made the police confused. Ughh I can't forgive the police for underestimating me. Then we were drifted away to a very deep sleep on one single bed again like we used to do, and this time I'd definitely make sure that the funny 'thing' would never happen again. haha.

I have a strong feeling that this would be our best memories. And this is probably the last time we could spend time like this together as a singles, cause everyone are now moving towards married phase (but me not yet). And I pray for you, for us that we will be blessed in our journey. And we will be friends forever till the heaven.

Putrajaya, 25th November 2012

iCity Shah Alam, 25th November 2012

Not my comfort zone

It's raining heavily outside. I'm here alone in this lab, far away from my comfort world. At very this moment, I really want to meet the person that created a Malay quote 'hujan emas di negeri orang, hujan batu di negeri sendiri, lebih baik di negeri sendiri' or an English that invent the cliche 'home is where the heart is' because they are so wise.

On the first day, I was optimist. Confident enough that I can be very independent. Except that I was a little bit scared living in a double room in the hostel, that I read pages of Quran. Second day, maybe the room, the road, the lab and the trees have known me, so I felt safe and sound till I could do my routines at home (like wake up at 7.45 in the morning). Then I felt very bored like living in a prison. But, I lost the battle on the third day. I think I was being tested, suddenly the parking lot was full because there was an event in my hostel. The parking space is small so when it's full, there's no way I could make a u-turn. So when I was reversing my car, there was a car that had just came in. So I expected she will reverse too. But she was very selfish and I have to move to the side to let her through and my car was scratched! I pull down the window and said 'can you just reverse, my car has crashed the the drain divider' and I was very shock to hear her response. Arrogantly she said 'oh really?' and she got away! Not even a sorry! I was very mad, I was very sad and I cried looking for other place to park.

When that situation happens, you only need someone to talk to. The only one that I know is my car. I really wanted to sleep with him (I mean in the car) and cry all night if I just could. Yes, I was quite surprised too because I am happy when I drive him. Because I come here with him so he is the only friend that I got. I said  I miss you to him every morning, and I feel so bad for hurting him so I keep apologize. I don't know, this is happening naturally. Am I already mad? Is it a depression symptom? But I think God hears me. He always do indeed. He sent me a room mate actually. So, I'm quite happy that I am not a lonely girl anymore.

But living out of comfort zone can be a good thing. The lab will be the best place in the world. It is a place that I love to spend most of my day. And I want to finish the experiment badly that I never procrastinate in the lab. A two-weeks experiment at home can be done in just a week! So I'm hoping that this big sacrifice will return me a good data for my PhD. Purifier, please be good to me. I don't want to stay any longer.

Protein Instrumentation Lab, UKM. 22nd November 2012.

Stepping stone

The effects of working out has now crawled in. Every cells are now craving for ATPs. And it cause this eyelids too heavy to be lifted up. But I have a date with my girlfriends today. We are going to fill this hungry stomach with good food from a wedding reception and watch a movie afterwards. Oh my, I can't remember when was the last time I went watching movies.

I had a long shower after swimming today. I always do. And usually, I ate lunch after that and drifted away to a very deep, dreamless sleep. But today will be different. I'm going out and I'm very excited to see how far my body can go. Kind of experimenting with myself (tired of experimenting with the microbes i guess. hehe).

I just realized as I'm typing this sentences, that incredibly there's so many ideas coming out of my mind. Another effects of working out I believe. Because usually it takes quite a long time to finish a post. So it is true, I read somewhere that exercise can generate new neurons. Neurogenesis, endorphin release, all of these lead to mood enhance and mental alert. Subhanallah, i'm amazed.

So this is a stepping stone. Next week I will be dragging myself out of my comfort zone. Going to a new place, meet new people and gain new experience. I hope I can get some good data for my PhD, and improve myself as a person. InsyaAllah. Take care then.

A kind of stranger

Last night my room mate stuck in the middle of a busy highway cause her car engine suddenly dead. And it was around 10 pm. Thank god she got a chance to pull over. So thought the engine oil was run out, she asked me to bring the engine oil.  And for the first time I drove alone on the highway (for your records, i'm suck in memorizing road and reading maps). I'm grateful that her location quite straight forward so I reached her without any difficulties. Unfortunately, topping up the engine oil didn't do any difference. We had no idea what to do. The traffic was so fast, like they were driving in the light speed which make stuck up a hand was most impossible. And we were actually in a dark area in front of a Hindu temple. There were some cars came out of the small road beside the temple but they just stared and went away. I was really hoping that someone would be gentlemen enough to stop and ask what happened. Realizing that it was impossible, we decided to seek a farther help.

So we went to the gas station to buy some petrol but we didn't bring a bottle. So my room mate bought a 1.5 liter mineral water and we both trying so hard to drink it all to empty the bottle. It was so funny, I drank a lot that I need to pee. And I guess people were staring weirdly at us. haha.. Then we went to the store to find a jumper, just in case the engine didn't start because of the battery. But sadly, the jumper is only for Bonus Link redemption. I thought we said it clearly that we needed it so bad, but they seem didn't take it seriously. Then we went to a workshop that were half closed, we told the owner our story, but all we got was just a hurting word, 'sorry we already closed, come back tomorrow'. Again we were both stunned. What's wrong with these people. Wasn't it obvious that we are ladies, stuck in the middle of the night, seeking for help.

Then we continued to find the jumper but almost all gas station's shops didn't have it. Finally, at the last shop when we decided to give up, there was a worker that I would like to call him wise of all people we met that night. Though he didn't have the jumper, at least he showed an effort to help. There was a man that overheard our conversation I guess, interrupted us. He said he will bring the jumper because he left it at home and he asked us to wait. Alhamdulillah, god heard us. After a while he came back and helped us to start the engine. He didn't take the money my room mate handed him for a thanks and we didn't even know his name. But what we know he has a very good heart. And I will not hesitate to say that this people is one in a million. Not only he had helped us with the car, but he had also taught us a bigger lesson. Be kind and helpful to people although we don't know who they are. Because there will be one time when we need other's help badly. I hope that I am one of those who are willing to help unconditionally. InsyaAllah.

Shadows

Miss You More Than I'M Mad

Cheryl Wheeler

Darlin' I miss you more than I'm mad

And I love you more than I'm sad

And I need you baby so bad

I want to come home to you

I never meant to treat you unkind

I never had no time to unwind

Now in this bar it's empty and I'm

Feeling alone and blue

Someday we'll try to talk it through

But right now if I were next to you

I could find better things to do

And maybe nothin' to say

I won't be the victim of my own pride

My heart is too big to easily hide

It seems like my bed's unusually wide

And I know I'm in love with you

Phillip Island, September 2011