Loser like me

'Yeah, you may think that I'm a zero..but hey, everyone you wanna be probably started off like me'

Yesterday I had my PhD evaluation. It was suck. Suck like REALLY suck. I was like being shot and shot again, and finally slaughtered to death. Ok..that's too much. Anyway, ever since in my academic life, I had never been mentally tortured like that. I screwed up everything by not being able to answer the most simplest thing, the backbone of protein! I was totally blanked, like I never heard of it before. Then slowly I started to feel really really down and my self esteem drastically fell to its lowest level. If not because of I'm so good in bottling up my feeling, I would have cried in the presentation room, in front of the examiners. I felt like why I'm so stupid, that is the most fundamental knowledge that I should know. Then, when I was outside waiting for the examiners to discuss and come up with their decision whether to pass or fail me, the only thing in my mind was I'm ready to accept the fact that I don't deserve to study at the PhD level. My fundamental knowledge is too fragile. But then, I was a little bit shocked when the chairman said that I passed the evaluation and I can continue studying PhD. I bet that I didn't give the right facial expression when he said congratulations. I should have smiled, but probably because I was too ready to face the truth if I failed, so I just gave the expressionless face. And I think the chairman was giving quite a weird look to me.

But still I feel like I don't really deserve it. After a day, I still don't feel happy but the opposite. All this while, I just take for granted the chance of skipping the master studies. I don't study much, as much as a PhD student should have. I don't really organize my work and my time as a PhD student should. Now, I realize that I'm too comfort in my zone. What I can do is to go out of the zone and exploring the world. There is one quote that I love very much, and quite reflecting my situation right now, 'Yeah, you may think that I'm a zero..but hey, everyone you wanna be probably started off like me'. It's some part of lyric from Loser Like Me by Glee. At first I heard it, it really knocked me. I kept replaying the song again and again and it really hits me. The song is like consoling me and lifting up my spirit again, like come on, wake up. Everyone started off like you, from zero. So why bother, just wake up and live again and make yourself better. Yeah, I'll surely go for it!

I melt when he sings.

p/s: Grateful for being given another chance. Alhamdulillah.