Fear

She’s been doing a lot of thinking these days. Drown in her own river of thoughts that sometimes she lost her breath, suffocated. And that’s when she hardly had any sleep.  It has been approaching a year, unbelievably. She has lost her sense of hope since that day. She has promised herself that she would stop expecting too high on people. But being herself, it isn't easy. She trusts people easily, loves people too easily, that’s in her gene. So when she did, she didn't realized that she started to expect more and more. Till it cut right on her eye, and bled in her heart. Then she realized that she hasn't kept her promise all this while. Then she realized that she has been expecting too high. Was it too late now for her to go back on the empty, hopeless path that she has promised herself to walk through till the end? Because now she found the current trail is too appealing, irresistibly attractive. Yet she’s afraid, too afraid that the path would again lead her to same high cliff once she used to fall off..

Sweet September

They say good things take time, but great things happen in a blink of an eye. Alhamdulillah. September is being so nice to me. I always love September. Despite it is the month of my birth day, lots of good things happen too.  I know some people won't believe me if I say that I'm quite a daydreamer. Yes.. I really am. So, on the day that my lab mates bought me a cake, I was actually had an imagination beforehand, that I would be the happiest person on Earth if they bought me a cake when we were having raya dinner at Kak Shal's place. But I thought I could only dream it because there would be a lot of other people too and there would be lots of food. But when the cake came out, it was just like a dream come true. I swear my heartbeat stopped for a few seconds and when I woke up the cake was already in front of me. I had no idea when or how it traveled. Lol!

Then, my friend Anis came way from the North. So when girls meet up, the world is ours. It was great to catch up. We hung out, window shopped, watched movie, went to lots of places and brought up all the memories during our undergrad school. It has been four years unbelievably, yet it feels like yesterday we went to the classes together and took exams.

And guess what, I have found Manja! And omg omg shockingly with her four kittens! I was really really grateful because all this while I have been praying to God to keep Manja save (okay feel free to laugh now, I won't be offended). And I'm totally impressed as she was able to rise her kittens healthily and they are playfully cute! Subhanallah!

And this week I got another surprise. A birthday present flew all the way from Japan! It was a Fossil watch. I love you Fizah! I swear I'm gonna cry when I opened it. I was actually feeling guilty because I have been busy lately. And I have less time chatting with her, then I feel like I'm a bad friend. I wanna buy a plane ticket to Japan right now!!! Huuuu... Actually it came at the right time cause currently all my watches' batteries were dead. Lol. Arigato gozaimas Fizah!!

Well apparently, I was like actually thinking, why all these great things happened at once. I couldn't take it anymore (okay this is tipu.. hee..). Indeed great things happen when you least expect it. Alhamdulillah, I feel so grateful for this great feeling, for having damn good people surround me. I pray that we will always be blessed, and this bond will never be broken. May Allah guide us all to Jannah :)

 

p/s: don't wake me up when September ends. September please don't leave.

The bosom buddies

I feel lucky to have a circle of people who always be so kind and sweet to me. They are the reasons I smile. The reasons for me to get on with life when I'm at the very deep bottom. The reasons for me to keep walking in this difficult path of my life because I know they are always there behind me. The reasons I treasure friendship more than ever.

p/s: They got me a birthday cake! Thanks guys. It did surprise me, I didn't expect it to come really. That was really sweet of you guys and I couldn't stop smiling :)

(credit picture to kimi)

25

What I love about birthday:

1. Mother's prayer is the first thing I love to hear.
2. Waiting for who is gonna be the first person wishing me 'Happy Birthday'.
3. People wishes and prayers really make my day. It shows that lots of people care for you isn't it?
4. When I don't allow Facebook to remind my friends when my birthday is, there are still few friends wish 'Happy Birthday'. That's really sweet. It reminds me that when someone really care for you, they don't need anything to remind them.
5. Birthday never just an ordinary day. Even how much you want to pretend it to be, it will always come to mind that today is a special day for you.
6. Perhaps when lots of people pray for you, you will feel blessed. And you will be going through the day with no difficulties, works seems easier, time seems to move slow and it will be the most productive day in your life.
7. When the sun is about to set, you will finally realized the special day would end soon and if only you could stop the time, you would not let it ends.

Yes, it was a great day. Even without cakes or presents.
Happy 25th birthday to me!

Wish I have this..

..or this! ^^,

My personal brand of heroins

One, that guilty pleasure is now truthful, which once I'm afraid that it will really happen. It is like my personal brand of heroin now. Enough to make me restless if I don't have it for a day, yet painful if I have it too much.

Two, pleasure that kills. Bonding with stray cats. Cats always make my day. I love to give them food. But when they're gone, or I couldn't feed them, I'm so sad that I could cry a river. I had a cat once. The first day I saw her, she was dirty. She was wandering along my lab's corridor. She is so pretty and manja so we called her Manja. I fed her everyday until she hovered and wouldn't go away. She gave birth to two cute and playful kittens, Bulat and Sepet. I started to worry when the kittens started pooping everywhere. I knew then one day they have to be transferred to some other place. And the day came. I took them to the college where I stay so that I could keep feeding them. I could see on their faces that they were really scared, been in the place that was foreign. Manja started to ignore her kittens. On the second day, I couldn't see Sepet anymore. That night I cried pretty hard that I woke up with puffy eyes. I couldn't stop myself from feeling angry to people who made me to, but most of all I couldn't stop blaming myself. I think I was crazy. So I wrote a letter to myself.



Dear Hasmaliana,
Remember that not all people around you are like you. You could love cats like they are your own kids but not others. Don't expect people to be like you. You live in a society, please be considerate. Sepet may left for good. Maybe someone has adopted him. He will live a better life with his new owner, have faith in that. It's ok to cry, you know you always cry for cats. You are not crazy, it is normal for a cat lover. They have a special bonding with cats. Don't blame yourself for throwing them out. They sure can survive. They are predators in nature. It's in their gene. Don't worry too much dear, Allah will keep them safe. He's The Most Gracious to His creatures, He won't let them hungry. They need to learn, explore new place, how to protect themselves. It's good for them. Cry as much as you want. When you feel better, don't stop feeding stray cats. Remember that you want to build a cat shelter one day, it's in your bucket list. Go for it!



The other day, I found Bulat alone, separated from Manja. She was lost and cried with terror. I took her, cleaned her fur, calmed her down and brought her back to her mother. But it didn't last. I didn't see her with Manja anymore because Manja was still in shock. She didn't care about her kittens anymore. Then I never saw Bulat again.

I write this entry because I miss Manja so much. I kept this story to myself before, because I was too sad  to tell people. Last time I saw her was before I went back home for Eid. She was actually pregnant again and already gave birth to kittens that I never saw, being so protective mother she is. I never see her after coming back here. The only thing I could do is just praying that Allah will keep her safe :(

p/s: Please stop throwing away and abandoning your cats. If only they can speak, you will know how hard they are crying.

Treasure

There were a few times that I opened up the new post page, stare at it for a few seconds and then closed it because I decided that the thing I had in mind at that time was too personal to be written in the blog. Because I always forget things and I would like myself to one day remember that moment, so I wrote them in my private diary. It's just like I am getting ready for an Alzheimer. But off course I wouldn't want that. It's just that I'm afraid of not remembering those memories so better lock it in a diary or something. I'm working on a photo album too, just bought one and will fill in photos or movie tickets or receipts or anything that comes up with stories. Yeah, I'm treasuring my present life more than before. That's why the idea came up.

So fasting was great this year. I never feel so peaceful in my previous Ramadhans. Alhamdulillah. Because after it left, I can feel the difference. It's hard actually to focus on your prayer and consistently read the Quran at least a 'Juz' a day in months other than Ramadhan. I wish that was not my last one. And I had a few days to spend Ramadhan with my family too which I haven't had quite a long time that I couldn't remember how it feels like. And off course it feels like a heaven. Then, Eid was great too. I made cookies for the first time and Mak approved that all my cookies taste delicious (happy face!). Oh, and we had our family portrait for the first time I can't believe it. Because one, it's not really our family tradition, two, last year Abah never showed up after the Eid's prayer until afternoon because he went straight visiting his friends and three Abah did not really kind of enjoy or appreciate photography. But He do now. So there you go, family portrait!

And that is our new-born Naura Tihani.

I had quite a long holiday this time and I had a chance to see my childhood friends which I haven't seen for like 13 years. It feels so good catching up with them. Then I attended a few engagement ceremonies of my cousins and friend where people kept asking when's your turn or when will you finish study. I'm sick of those questions but I know I couldn't shut their mouth up. So I'm back now in the lab, and I promise the next time I'm back home I will say a different answer for that question. Miahaha.. 

p/s: I want to finish lab work in December. Pray for me guys please!

p/s2: Lets just keep personal things personal. Yes sometimes it hurts to hide what you feel inside. It is like there's a large beautiful mouth watering cake in front of and you are trying so hard to hold yourself from eating it. But I'm not hundred percent sure of it either. I'm somewhat scared of finding out, yet at the same time I want to know more. Just let the time tell shall we?

Sueño - la secuela

I had found the dress I loved. But I decided not to rush things. Only then the next day I found that it was gone to someone else's hand. The only things left were the old-fashioned dresses. I regretted that. I should have quick and firm in making decision and believe in my own choice.

It was supposed to be a big day. But I was in denial. I didn't want to be at that place, do that thing. It's just that I have to, with no reasons I can remember of. I wanted to cry, but nobody seemed to care about my feeling. It was used to be my biggest hope not so long time ago, but now no more. It has now became the thing I'm most afraid of. Then things were like being fast forwarded and the last thing I knew, I was smiling contentedly. I didn't have to do it anymore. Those feeling was so real, like a bird being released from its cage. And the flock was waiting. Then it flew freely to its flock, to where it should belong.

I know dreams don't stay long. That was when I opened my eyes. It was five past four in the morning. My heart was pounding. I have never woken up from a dream where I could recall every single moments of it. And the feeling remained. I was like stupefied for a minute or less or more. What are all these mean? I don't know why, but I have a strong feeling that it was not just an ordinary dream.

My bucket list

I am 25 this year and I haven't made a bucket list. So, here we go. My bucket list:

1. Learn to play an instrument. I would love piano.
2. Master a new language besides English and Malay, visit the country and talk to the native speaker.
3. Get married and go honeymoon to one of the most beautiful island in the world.
4. Open a shelter for stray cats.
5. Get a PhD.
6. Buy a house with a mini library and huge wardrobe.
7. Perform Hajj and visit the land of the prophets.
8. Take my parents for Hajj.
9. Travel the world.
10. Take dancing lesson.
11. Camp in a jungle.
12. Try a business.
13. Go to a spa like a rich women.
14. Ride a hot air balloon.
15. Make and release a sky lantern.
16. Sleep under the star.
17. Sail on a yacht.
18. Play in the rain, or just enjoy standing in the rain.
19. Go skydiving.
20. Bake a cake.
21. Run a marathon.
22. Go ice-skating.
22. Experience weightlessness.
23. Gardening.
24. Do major renovation on my parents's house.
25. Try a niqab.
26. Design my own house and decoration.
27. Write a book.
28. Scream on top of a mountain.
29. Break a rule.
30. Kick negative habits.
31. Go hiking.

And I think the list will keep growing..

Ignite

I never thought it would be that hard. You, me and that little space. I was trembling yet my body was heating. I tried so hard to act and breath normally despite those feelings, but you are always cool in your way. You know how to neutralize the situation, making me comfortable. Then I woke up, still shaking and a bit lost. I wonder how much my blood was pumped as seconds go. I hope it was just a dream. Obviously something is wrong with me.

Morning thought

Yesterday, in our weekly lab talk, one of our friends started her presentation with a verse in the Qur'an which as far as I was in the lab, none of us have ever done that before. It's in Surah Yaasin:

All-Glorified is He (in that He is absolutely exalted above having any peer or partner), Who has created the pairs all together out of what the earth produces, as well as out of themselves, and out of what they do not know. (36: 36).

This is a common verse, I heard about this several times before but what crossed in my mind when I heard/read this was Allah has created a partner (jodoh) for each of us in this world. But I never thought the meaning of the later words which are '...and out of what they do not know'. So, our friend has actually related this verse with the protein that she is working on, which needs a partner to execute its function. Otherwise it is useless.

I'm working in a biology lab, by biology it means I work with the living things, and natural compounds produced by them, nothing's synthetic. Nothing's made by human but Allah. But I can't remember myself, like really think about Him when I'm working. And I rarely think that what I did and discovered has actually been written in the Quran, only I never search for it and relates it to my work.

I'm very grateful that I was born as a Muslim. Because I think Islam keeps me wise. I can feel it because when I had a long 'menstrual leave', I'm happy at the first couple of days when I don't have to pray, so I have more time to do my work and sleep too (haha.. this is so bad attitude). But then, I feel like deviated. Jauh dari Allah, although I never did anything too sinful. So, the first prayer I perform after a 'menstrual leave' will usually be the most high quality (khusyuk) prayer that I have ever performed in my life because somehow I miss doing it. I feel so calm, a kind of feeling like there's a light touching your heart and I feel so contented sometimes I can cry.

And another thing that make me grateful is the Quran. Quran is not an ordinary book because it is Allah's word. Whenever I feel sad or lonely, I love to read the Quran. I can't describe the calming effects. Reading the Quran, sometimes I feel like reading an amazing story book because there's a lot of stories in the Quran. Sometimes my imagination can be so wide when I read about the paradise (although the pictures of paradise can never be reached by human thoughts). Sometimes when I feel like I'm a bad person, I always stumble upon a verse that say Allah is the most forgiven as long as you seek for His forgiveness. And of course there's a lot of science facts inside the Quran I feel like reading a science book.

I felt disturbed yesterday for reasons I can't think of. Maybe, I'm worried about my research work, the more I did and discovered, the more I see the dead end. And I feel my destination is far far way to go. Or maybe because I have been slapped in the face a day before, when a friend helped me to see a point of view which I never think of before, about something that I keep hoping. So, last night I decided to do nothing more than reading a novel, watching TV and sleeping. Then enjoying this lovely morning, blogging and swimming. And finally hoping for great days ahead.

A lonely girl

I’m a person with few friends. It’s not that I hate making friends, but I’m definitely not the one that will start a conversation with strangers. Actually I’d like to but every time I intend to, I can feel my cells expressing adrenaline; I feel nervous, dizzy and that sort of things. I’m not sure if that is normal because if it’s not, I’m definitely an abnormal person. So I would rather forget it and stay quiet. I also don’t like to hang out with a group of people because I don’t know how to interrupt a conversation. So I will be the one who are just sitting in the group, being a great listener and making a lot of smiles and laughes. But I don’t like to be alone either cause it is so awkward to eat alone, shop and walk alone. So, all my life there were always be a person that will stick beside me and I call them ‘best friends’ though we never declared. I never asked them to stick with me though, so I always curious about it too.

So, my best friend has got married, alhamdulillah. I am the happiest person on earth because I know that she had been through a lot all these years. So it’s now the time for her to be happy. But I’m starting to feel so lonely now. I live alone in the hostel, my best friend has gone and I don’t have special someone that will check on me every hours. My phone never rings. I don’t get any texts except the ads from the provider. With no internet in my room, I’m officially an absolute lonely girl. It feels so awkward especially when I went to Jusco and do the shopping alone. You know the feeling when you are walking alone you feel like people are staring although they are actually not. Two routines I can not do alone in this world; shopping and having lunch or dinner. Oh, for your record I’m afraid of making decision alone. I need assistance even as simple as to decide which pair of shoes or piece of shirt I should buy. I shall get use to it though. Care to be my shopping and eating partner? ;)

Unspeakable

This indescribable sense I have been feeling these days..
It is such a nuisance, yet very consoling,
Cozy..
Sometimes it felt so guilty feeling this way,
But there's something about it that makes me feel so contented,
Like a guilty pleasure, can I say that?
It even emerges in my dreams,
Yet I hate this feeling,
I hope it can get away from me..

Sweet escape

It has been a week. But I can still smell the sea, I can still feel the wind breeze against my cheek, I can still hear the harmonious sound of the waves. I miss lying on the spread of fine white sands, looking at the billion of stars above, feeling utterly amazed how wide the world is, and how small is me. Those images are still playing in my head as if it just happened yesterday.

Langkawi. A great place I can say. We had a great 'sweet escape'. It was ten of us, me and my lab mates. As it named, we totally escaped everything related to the lab. No one brought a journal paper, no one brought a lap top, and we never said anything about the lab along the vacation. We totally had our best time together, not as a lab mates this time, but as a best friends. The vacation was packed with activities cause I won't let a second left without something we could all remember. So instead of relaxing, we ended up by getting a super tired body. Sorry guys, I never thought that the schedule was too tight that some of us got sick. Four days were not enough. I wish we could spend more time there.

I love Langkawi's beaches, the sands are perfectly fine and flawless white. The water is so clear that we could see the fishes. We had a boat tour along the mangrove forest and moved towards the ocean. All I can say is, subhanallah. Once I even forgot that I was still in Malaysia. I never thought that our own country has such a breathtaking view of scenery. Then we also rode a cable car to the top of Gunung Machinchang. At the top of the mountain, we could see spectacular scenery of Langkawi, a wide field of mountains, the sea and the small islands views. And I could feel the cool breezes swiped away all the worries and sadness out of my mind, leaving a peaceful and happier me.

If I will be asked one day, ' if you could pick one day of your life and relive it, what would it be?' i'll definitely pick 7 - 10 of March 2013 :)

Spark

From the chocolate recovery guide (Nina Miller), I found these words are undoubted and accurate:

'Unfortunately, men often have trouble expressing their feelings-so don't expect an enlightening explanation  even though you deserve one!'
'Remember, he's a caveman. Sometimes men just need space and time to themselves. The go into their caves when they are troubled and emerge refreshed. After a time out, a man may want back in.'
'The body is made to heal-from broken nails to broken hearts. But keep in mind that it is a process like making the perfect chocolate cream pie, and that will happen with time.'
'Focus more on your work if you find it fulfilling. Sometimes a personal crisis is a catalyst for great professional accomplishments.'
'Remember that you aren't alone. Broken hearts have healed since the beginning of time, and yours will too.'

Lately I have been feeling like fired up. I can finally recognize my passion, not like before when I was like trying to see the outside world through the cloudy window. Despite all the pains, I can finally see the silver lining. It is great when the only reason for me to go on and make decision is for my own satisfaction and to make my parents happy and proud of me. Come to think of the famous cliche 'Women are complicated', wait! Men are even more complicated!

Michael Crichton's Micro

So I just finished reading a novel, Micro by Michael Crichton (completed by Richard Preston because Crichton passed away in 2008). And what I feel recently, I want to live in the micro world once, if I ever have a chance, or if the tensor technology of shrinking things really do exist. Micro tells a story of a group of six PhD students who had been invited by a company, Nanigen that doing research for searching new potential drugs. But then they discovered the dark side of the company, so they have been shrunk to the size of an inch using the tensor field, a electromagnetic-related technology which was able to shrink molecules. In an attempt to escape, they found themselves dropped in a man-made jungle belongs to Nanigen. Living in a micro world was just like living in a wide battle field.

Being an inch in height made all those small little creatures giant to them. I learnt a lot of new thing which mostly wowed me. I learnt that beetles, millipedes, wisps and other small insects produce very powerful chemicals even lethal chemicals for their survival. That would definitely make a micro-human very fragile in their world because human can't produce chemicals, and without armor suit our cells are so fragile, even an ant can tear our body apart. However, on the other side micro world was actually a beautiful and amazing place. We can even see the single cell bacteria. I work with bacteria every day, just imagine how anxious I want to see them, as a single cell alone. By living in a micro world, it will just make a dream come true!

Micro was perfectly written because I can imagine myself in the story, some part has got on my nerves, some part made me feel very nervous, and some part made me want to throw up. And sometimes the author's view of the life of those postgrads students were more or less the same as mine, perhaps that makes me feel very close to the story. Plus the science behind it was so familiar cause that what I was facing each day of my grad school after all. People say reading is like traveling, off course it is :)

Choc bath

Found this in one of my boxes, a free gift from a bookstore in Australia. Back then I didn't bother cause I didn't even need this, so I gave this to my friend. And now here I am, reading this and had a refreshing chocolate bubble bath afterward in a candle-lighted shower. I love the words in that cute recovery guide, they're so wise ;)

Essence of happiness

Today's essence of happiness ;)

Night's vacation

I usually had a dreamless sleep especially at home, and here when the lab works won't allow me to sit even a minute. But sometimes my mind could sail  to many strange places when the rest of my body rests. These are how dreams sometimes seemed to me.

My dreams can be very bizarre. I was at a very peculiar place with my friends. The place was somewhat creepy and the scene would be dark and gloomy like those in a vampire movie. And it would involve a creepy old building or toilets. I actually dreamed like this several nights. This is mysterious dream.

I hate it when I opened my eyes in the morning, I felt such a great feeling. I knew it was because I had a pretty nice dream, but it was so hard to remember what my dream was. This is a provoke dream.

There were several times I dreamed I didn't wear hijab in public, and I will wake up with a feeling of such embarrassment. Then, I was so relieved  that it was just a dream. This is embarrassing dream.

Sometimes I dreamed about my lab, I was rushing writing up my paper because my supervisor was there too. This is scientist  dream.

I love it when I can meet my family in my dream especially mom. It feels like home. This is lovely dream.

Sometimes my dream can be very sad and I felt like crying when I opened my eyes. This is not a good start of my day. Most of time I will keep myself very quiet that day. This is sad dream.

I had a rare dream, long time ago, I was at a place where I can see my book of deeds. I compared it with my friend's, and I was so sad because my good deeds were less than her. I even once dreamed someone (that I think the Angel of Death) wanted to take my life off. And I was so scared and begged him not to. This one is so scary. This is tarbiah dream I think.

I rarely dreamed about someone I want to meet so bad. But when I did, I will wake up so bright and that would make my day the best day ever. And this is my dreamed dream.

Strange or nice, scary or happy, I would love to have a dreamed sleep. Because I can travel to many places that I'd  never go in my real life, like going for a holiday. And I can experience various feelings that I will not feel in my real life. 

Gotta curl myself up in a bed and have a night vacation! Sweet dreams people!

Reverse the clock

I just had a nice catching up session with my high school roommate. But I guess it turned out to be a girl-to-girl talk. It's been years, so my secret was, well broken. I didn't really have an attention to tell her but she led me to that way. I really can't help myself. hehe..

I have really really bad memory. I always forget things like what I used to talk about when I'm with my girlfriends, what I used to do with them and so on. So as I chat with my roommate, she reminded me a lot of stuffs which have never been popped out of my mind all these years after I graduated high school. I can't even recall it after she had reminded me. And the worst part is I can't forgive myself for forgetting something that I used to say to my girlfriends about someone important in my life. I think that is what friends for, reminding us what we have forgotten. And as a person like me, I can't be more grateful to have them as a friend.

But I still hate that part of me of being so forgetful. I would love to go back in time if I have a time machine. Because I really can't remember all those small things in high school. I just remember me, in the classroom, in the prep class and in the graduation hall. That is pathetic! I want to reverse the clock so bad right now. Maybe I don't like to think about all those small things so thoroughly, so they are just easily being swept away and replaced with other more important memories. But those small things actually bring color to my journey. How could I forget them? I'm so regret I didn't write them up in a diary.

Memories, please come back. At least in my dream.

Epiphany

I think yesterday was the most productive day in my entire life. Started after the sunset, I've sort of had an epiphany. My spirit was like being lifted up and ideas were coming like a water flow, I had no idea where those were coming from. This moment is really hard to come, so I would never waste a second. So, I was so motivated to continue writing my first paper. That productive state actually wasn't stopped when I woke up in the morning. I have no idea where's in my body cells those energies were stored. So I have been working like an ant in the lab. And finally, I'm totally collapsed now. Where's those epiphanies? Where have they gone?

As I was rushing through works, how I wish I have more hands, more brains and more me. And the day seemed too short. Was it really 8 hours? I feel like 4. But alhamdulillah, how amazing Allah is, when I was wishing that I have more hands, He lent me some hands to help. They were my friend's. My tons of works were actually run smoothly with the help from them. Kak Iza made the gel for me, Abbas made the loading dye ready for me, Kak Aishah helped me with the new sonicator, Bai bought the ice and Fizah bought me lunch. Oh how really I want to hug them tight! 

So it is true, the time has a magic spell. Everyday I was given 24 hours. However, how I spend the time is actually making it longer or shorter. Because I notice, when I am procrastinating the time seems to move very fast, but the time seems longer when I am reading and doing work. It's not actually a magic spell, the time is blessed when we spend it right. Remember Al-'Asr?

May your hours be blessed!

Nuisance

Human always forget the ocean-wide gifts that Allah has showered upon them. A dust-tiny test can make them surrender. Astaghfirullah. God, please forgive me.

I woke up to a sad dream this morning. It was really disturbing I can still feel the sadness around. Then, as routine I went to the lab to find out that the electricity went off last night. My column!! For your record, I have been running a HPLC since 7 days ago. So when the power suddenly gone, the machine was shut down and it might damage the column. And I don't know what came over me, perhaps the dream, I was feeling so down. And that feeling hits me again, the feeling of how useless I am. I'm in my final semester yet my experiment hasn't brought any great data as PhD deserves. I envy people who started PhD along with me that have stopped their experiment and now writing their thesis. I wonder when will be the time when my supervisor will tell me to stop the experiment and start writing a thesis. I am writing now though, but I need a time when I can focus and don't have to worry about the lab works anymore.

Allah, please show me the way. 

Small dots

So there was one day, me, Fizah and Kak Tim have been wondering about why our supervisor has always wanted us to go early to the lab and indeed he could turn to be a monster if he doesn't see his student by 8.30am. Kak Tim came out with her theory of the early birds, the early birds got to catch more worms. But somehow, whenever we relate it to the real situation, we found a dead end. Like students that arrive at the lab at 10am, they still graduate and get the scroll. Birds that go out at 10am still get the worms.

Then, this sort of 'discussion' was dragged to another curiosity. What is the significance of the people like us (I mean the molecular biologists) to the world. We did feel like we don't contribute anything to the society. Because apparently people like doctors and teachers are very much needed by the society. It's kind of sad when we come to think about this actually. Then Fizah came out with the idea of small dots that make a dot portrait. We are the small dots that constitute the portrait. While doctors are the large dots which if missing will do a big damage to the portrait. No. No. Something was so wrong here. This  doesn't make us feel better at all. Small dots are just like acnes and blackheads on the face, better without it. Again, we found a dead end.

We were so not happy, so we bring this up to the lab on the next day. Hoping that someone could explain it. So Kak Shal's thought was kind of answering everything. She said, people like us are not an inventor that their contributions are something seen, perceived. But without people like us, we would still be driving the steam-engined car, and I won't be typing in this sleek and thin ultrabook. Research will improve the current invention and it will never stop because it is the nature of human, never felt satisfy and always want to make things better. We are actually the indirect contributors for making this world a better place.

Suddenly I just realized I do have a role in this world and I'm not just a nobody. It feels like I have been given a new spirit. Just like the fog has lifted and finally I see the light. I am happy knowing that people need me and I'd just love to keep that in mind because every time I do, I enjoy my work. Thanks mate for lifting that fog out of my sight!

p/s: No one can explain the early birds theory yet. Don't have a gut to ask my supervisor though. So anyone?

Delusion

I dreamed last night.
It was my wedding,
But the groom did not show up.

Off course he won't.

A dandelion seed

Yesterday I have been asked a question which I haven't heard for quite a while; 'what is your ambition Hasmaliana?'. And by ambition it means what I want to be after graduate. I was like, gosh! I  never thought someone would ask me this question again at my age. I'm quite surprised and a bit disappointed with myself, cause I actually find that it is hard to answer that question. I don't even know what I want to do after grad school. Sometimes I imagine myself as a lecturer, being in the lecture theater and having my own lab conducting research. Sometimes all of these lab work's hardship makes me feel that I will never doing research again. That is when I imagine myself as a housewife, taking care of my children at home.

Yes, when I have been asked this question during my childhood, I won't hesitate to say that 'I want to be a teacher' cause I feel that being a teacher is so cool. Or sometimes 'I want to be a housewife' cause my mom is so cool. Our answer will solely dependent on our life's perspective at that time, the people around us that make us comfortable. When I have been asked the same question during the high school, when I have been exposed to the wider world and I feel like being a doctor is much cooler than a teacher. And surprisingly, when I have been asked the same question at this age, when I am doing my PhD, I don't know what I actually want to be.

As I age, I become more uncertain of what I want to be. I'm not sure if that happens to other people too, but I'm not happy with that and that is not a good thing off course. Sometimes I feel like I am a dandelion seed, blown up by the wind and I'm just letting the wind takes me to wherever it goes until it stops. And that will be the place where I will grow and live again.

p/s: The person who asked me was my English teacher during high school. He reminded me of a funny story, when he asked us to write an article a day, I translated a Malay idiom 'katak bawah tempurung' as 'a frog under the coconut shell'. He just smiled when he corrected it for me but I bet he must be out of breath laughing before that. Haha it was hilarious when thinking of how silly I used to be. Oh, for your record, I hate English language subject.

Bittersweet

The sky was clear today. As clear as my mind. I couldn't remember, when was the last time that this feeling struck me. Or maybe I never felt like this before, I'm not sure of it too. But the feeling is very soothing, and I didn't realized that suddenly I smiled for no reason. 

I am a person who is good at recovering from a sudden emotional disturbance. I love that part of me. Even I will become more productive when I'm stress. So I have been thinking a lot recently. I was trying to find the reason of everything that happened. And I feel bittersweet. Somehow I feel like this new life I'm living now is more ample, like running on a very wide spring meadow. And I'm kind of like it. The best part is I can stalk anyone I like without feeling guilty which I haven't done it for years. Plus, thinking about him, missing him and checking on him on facebook (which I do everyday) without him knowing is bittersweet too (though sometimes it hurts).

I have done a lot of thinking about myself too. I realized that sometimes I find it's hard for me to give the right response when people talks to me, so I'd rather keep quiet. Plus, I have lack of facial expression and I know it annoys or most of the time it hurts people. I don't blame my friend who would rather not telling me their stories cause I know they will feel like talking with a stone (yes, I'm stone). I want and I am trying to improve that. I will learn how to give response and appreciate them more. I promise to myself!

So I'm enjoying my single life now. Cause I know I'll never ever experience this life again once I get married one day. Indeed everything's happen for reason cause Allah is the All-Knowing, knower of the unseen and the seen. Till then.