A dandelion seed

Yesterday I have been asked a question which I haven't heard for quite a while; 'what is your ambition Hasmaliana?'. And by ambition it means what I want to be after graduate. I was like, gosh! I  never thought someone would ask me this question again at my age. I'm quite surprised and a bit disappointed with myself, cause I actually find that it is hard to answer that question. I don't even know what I want to do after grad school. Sometimes I imagine myself as a lecturer, being in the lecture theater and having my own lab conducting research. Sometimes all of these lab work's hardship makes me feel that I will never doing research again. That is when I imagine myself as a housewife, taking care of my children at home.

Yes, when I have been asked this question during my childhood, I won't hesitate to say that 'I want to be a teacher' cause I feel that being a teacher is so cool. Or sometimes 'I want to be a housewife' cause my mom is so cool. Our answer will solely dependent on our life's perspective at that time, the people around us that make us comfortable. When I have been asked the same question during the high school, when I have been exposed to the wider world and I feel like being a doctor is much cooler than a teacher. And surprisingly, when I have been asked the same question at this age, when I am doing my PhD, I don't know what I actually want to be.

As I age, I become more uncertain of what I want to be. I'm not sure if that happens to other people too, but I'm not happy with that and that is not a good thing off course. Sometimes I feel like I am a dandelion seed, blown up by the wind and I'm just letting the wind takes me to wherever it goes until it stops. And that will be the place where I will grow and live again.

p/s: The person who asked me was my English teacher during high school. He reminded me of a funny story, when he asked us to write an article a day, I translated a Malay idiom 'katak bawah tempurung' as 'a frog under the coconut shell'. He just smiled when he corrected it for me but I bet he must be out of breath laughing before that. Haha it was hilarious when thinking of how silly I used to be. Oh, for your record, I hate English language subject.