A lost..

There will be a moment in life, when we are unable to spill out words in mind, when we want to say the last word so bad, but we can't talk, like our tongue is being paralyzed. At that moment, all we can do is just staring helplessly at the faces of our beloved, knowing the fact that we are now facing the inevitable death.

Last weekend, I had lost my grandma. She who was once walking with me in this journey of life, was now gone forever. Deep in my heart, I felt a true lost, lost of someone that I love. I had never felt this way before. Until now, I can still clearly see the moment of her soul separated from the body, like it has been captured in my mind. I can still feel the sadness, the quiet space, gloomy and empty.

My grandma was hospitalized 4 days before that, she had a high fever. She begged my mom to bring her home, maybe she knew that she will go soon. But she needed to be examined and treated. Two days later, she can't speak anymore, she became weaker and depended on the oxygen mask. That was the day when I got a call from my sister, I packed immediately and bought a ticket to Kedah. Just after I reached hometown, I went straight to hospital. Pool of tears formed in my eyes, as soon as I looked at her, laying weakly on the bed. She hardly breathed, and sometimes she opened her eyes, and struggled to speak to her daughters and sons but she was too weak to talk. Only the tears dripped from her eye. I could imagined that how badly she wanted to say her very last words to her daughters and sons, to convey her very last mom's advice and to say I love you for the very last time.

On that cloudy Sunday, we decided to bring her home, as the doctor said there's no room of hope anymore. As soon as she was lifted from the ambulance, as soon as the breathing oxygen was cut, she breathed heavily. My aunt whispered syahadah to her ear. And her breath became slower and slower until it was finally disappear. She wasn't breathing anymore, her body went stiff, just like sleeping. I can saw there were faces of hope in everyone, hoping that she just went to sleep. No one seemed to believed that she was gone. And my uncle woke us all up, "Mak dah tak dak dah ni. Mak dah tak dak.." (mom has gone). Sobbing and tears broke the silence.

That was the first time I ever witnessed a death, a death of someone I loved so much, someone I grew with. And it seemed easy, but only she knew the pain. The pain that can never be felt by any lived person. It make me realize, convince me, that everything except the Almighty Allah, will perish. Dear grandma, I prayed that you will be counted amongst the Companions of the Right. Your journey of life had ended and I, still travelling in this world of challenges hoping that one day I will end up this journey with a good ending.


In memory during my convocation day (Tok, Hathiah bt Hamzah, 1941-2010)

p/s: InsyaAllah by Maher Zain, a tribute to my grandma, she once loved this song :'(